The Conscience: Epilog


Under progress.

I'm not trying to be harsh or anything but for the love of all that is righteous space your story into paragraphs. Its incredibly hard to read it and its in a muddled pile. I can make anything out to review and it will confuse your readers. When its spaced out, you can PM me to review it for you.

Anger.

Hi there! Here's Esther Sylvester for a review.

I'm just going to get into the meat of things and review your butt off, okay?


Charlie Smith continued to run through the dark forest. He was very startled by now.

You'd be surprised how many books start off with a guy running. There isn't anything interesting about that. The main issue I have with this opener is that you start off in the middle of the action. We don't know who Charlie is, we don't know what he looks like, we don't know why he was in a car or anything. Epilogues are SUPPOSED to inform the reader what is going on, so you fail to accomplish this. Here is a rule for you: Develop the characters before you jump into the action.

Mr. Bing was shocked when he saw that the man had went out of the car and in his hand, he had held a intimidating object.

Who is Mr. Bing? Lack of description makes the reader stop reading. Also, this sentence is confusing. Revise.

The quiet, peaceful water glittered from the shine of the moonlight. Charlie (who did not take note of the uneven roadpits) suddenly tripped over what he thought was a large artificial soft log on the ground.

Parenthesis not needed. Just make it a sentence. Also, what would an aritifial soft log be doing in a forest? Make it more believable.

"No wonder, they have been in the cold mud" he thought. Suddenly he felt an icy pain between the shoulder blades.

Thoughts look better in italics. The icy pain part is good.

OVERALL:

I like it, but it needs work. First off, whenever a new idea pops up or a new person speaks, make a new paragraph. This block of text is not pretty looking or professional. Second, run this through a spell check. Microsoft Word has a great one so maybe you should invest in it. Your tenses have a tendency to switch, so make sure to stay with one. Read your sentences aloud to make sure they make sense. If it doesn't sound good to your ears, it won't sound good to the reader's.

Your ending was good, so I want to read more. Just make sure to revise this. Hope I helped,

Esther Sylvester