Young Writers Society

It's not that great, but I wrote it while listening to a song. Thought you might be able to help me make it better.

Every day without you,
I feels the darkness drawing in.
You said you loved me.
I believed that you did.
I gave you the world
and you said you would die for me.

Never did I want you to
take away what you were to me.
Never was I able to
live with the thought that you weren't there.
Never was I able to cope when you said
you would die for me.

I would always love you,
but I was too scared to say it.
I would always be there for you,
even if you couldn't see me.
I would think the same when you said,
you would die for me

But will you live for me too?

hey king!
okay so i suppose first to review here. all right i thought the poem was dramatic and good. it had a nice theme with emotional thing between the lovers. i give it 7 out of 10 because i don't really get love stuff but this was meaningful and so its good enough.
any Q PM me
jAMES

Hi kingolions, its CaptianRandom
I loved this poem, how yo described how people say they will die for you but they never say i will live for you, i loved that about your poem. i liked the length and space between writing, if i had to rate this poem out of 10 i would rate it 10, i don't usually come across poems this great. keep up the good work.

-CaptianRandom

Hello there

I kind of disliked this on some occasions. Firstly, the idea is nothing new so for this particular direction I was looking forward to seeing something different from previous poetry.
Certain lines were kind of cliche and it kind of sounded a bit tacky, like

You said you loved me.
I believed that you did.
I gave you the world

And then the second stanza was just off, for me.

I liked the last line of the poem

But will you live for me too?

It kind of saved the day.

Keep writing

Hi kingolions,

It is good to see someone acknowledging that their piece is bad.

The fact that you wrote this after hearing a song itself rings warning bells; songs cannot stand on their own as poetry, for their very nature involves synchronization of words and music - and this poetry can't literally achieve. If you strip away the music, the Song is really a mind-numbingly bad Poem without the devices to enable it to effect the reader using purely words.

Unfortunately, the same can be said for this piece. You talk about every cliche in the cosmos, stringing them along one by one, and... that's it. That's your entire poem. Love, "darkness drawing in", "dying for me", being too scared to say that you love her, etc. I could barely get through the first stanza of this.

kingolions wrote:Every day without you,
I feels the darkness drawing in.
You said you loved me.
I believed that you did.
I gave you the world
and you said you would die for me.

This is so boring. Look, imagine what would happen if I got rid of the line breaks and turned it into a mini-story. Watch:

Every day without you, I feels [sic] the darkness drawing in. You said you loved me. I believed that you did. I gave you the world and you said you would die for me.

Could anybody in his right mind claim that this is an interesting story? I can't name even one person who would be willing to read a book filled with language like this, realistically or theoretically. If you can, then more power to you, but I doubt it.

The only thing that you can do for this piece is to get rid of it; there's no salvation in sight as it stands. Take out a clean piece of paper and start adding descriptions to the words - language that the reader can relate to. Don't just say that you love her. How do you love her? What is the love like? What does it feel like? What doesn't it feel like? The message of this poem can be worked with, the presentation is currently terrible.

Like I said in the beginning, this piece could possibly work with music that's good enough- anything can, really. But right now, it's only a blight upon any portfolio. Start over.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hey King! Here to review as promised on the chat.

Okay, so let me clear this up before that I am not at all good at writing poetry and neither good at reviewing it, so please don't mind if I am unable to say much. Okay?

I feels the darkness drawing in.

As I have told before that I am not a poetic person, even though I manage something to say when talking(silly poems), so I don't know if it's a style to write 'feels' with 'I' or not but it just didn't sound correct to me. Though this has this flaw, I liked the imagery here.

I would always be there for you,
even if you couldn't see me.

I liked this line very much, Here you showed the degree of love this person shares, and how his love would continue even when the other person would leave.

But will you live for me too?

This line was pretty good, but I in the whole poem I got the image that the perosn the narrator loves has left them, so why is he/she asking this? This just didn't get to my head maybe, or else you didn't take a look on that.

I just couldn't find more mistakes, and then later I decided to just stop checking for errors and start enjoying it. The message you had behind it as CaptainRandom said was very unique and it had an interesting end to it. But also I pointed out a thing there that in the whole poem you created an impression that the person t whom it's being addressed has already left the narrator, so the lat line looked kind of weird. Maybe it is me, because my IQ is getting worse every day.

Onto other thing which I noticed. This might be a big problem, if at all it is a one. I am not sure if this would make sense but I found many of your sentences very big(not much though ) and didn't seem to rhyme properly. i know that it isn't necessary for things to always rhyme in a poem, but it happened much more than that, and when once you have a rhyming scheme, and everything looks to be complememting each other, then it gets a bit annoying.
Note: Shubhi doesn't know what she just said

Hope to read more from your kitty.

Until then, goodbye!
~Shubhi