I once knew a girl

I once knew a girl
she was full of life,
and nothing could bring her down,
nothing at all.

She laughed,
she smiled,
she was happy,
and she was home.

I once knew a girl,
who fell in love,
but nothing could fix her broken heart,
nothing at all.

She cried,
She never smiled,
she was miserable,
and felt alone.

I once knew a girl,
who had all the friends in the world,
but no one could ever fill the hole in her heart,
no one at all.

They tried everything,
just to see her smile,
see her laugh,
but she never did.

I once knew a girl,
who had it all,
and fell from grace in one instant,
and that instant alone.

She drank,
she cut,
she was miserable,
and was never home.

That girl I once knew,
found peace with a gun,
and it only took one bullet to end it,
only one.

She grabbed it,
cocked it,
and fired,
she never came home again.

Hello I'm Spy0h,
I like it so much but you have to be careful because there are few mistakes in writing but still nice one.
I once knew a girl,
who had all the friends in the world,
but no oe could ever fill the hole in her heart,<<<<<<<<<<<<<one
no one at all.
______________________
The tried everything,<<<<<<<<<<<<<They
just to see her smile,
see her laugh,
but she never did.
____________________________
And by the way i almost cried at her end

I have to agree. I really liked the idea you have across here, and just hope it doesn't happen to me! Yes, there were spelling mistakes, but it looks like spy0h took care of that. I love it!

Hey there, Uo, June here,

I don't really feel as if you delivered the story to us in the best manner you could have. I feel like it's a series of fragments of a story stacked upon one another, dear, without much substantial additional information that impresses any feeling upon us. I think that it's very important for you to add supporting details, details that bring images to mind, because this poem feels very pallid and straight, almost boring, because it's almost as if the eventide that you're talking about is meaning less.

See, I feel that the some of the beauty of writing lies in the fact that we have the ability to describe in vivid detail and metaphor things that we would usually pass by word of mouth in a boring way. In writing, you can make it sounds like so much more than just passively telling someone about what happened, dear, and I think you should!

Kudos on keeping your lines short. The length of the lines kept me reading, but aside from that, I didn't feel captivated or willing to sympathize with this character, so, my suggestion to you would be to strengthen this piece of work with supporting details.

Hope that helps at least a little,
June

Hi Uo!
I have to say that this text was very interesting.
A happy begining and a very sad ending.
Your text transform into a film in my head.
I liked it alot!


Milo

I have to say that this may possibly be my favorite poem of all time on YWS like honestly, I personally loved the way you delivered the story and the story itself. Someone once told me that high school (and all the others for that matter) cliches are only cliches because they're true and they happen and that's what I like about your poem, it's happened time and time again to countless girls (and guys). Someone might have have called the cutting and drinking part cliche for example, but how many girls do I know that do that? I don't want to count them all. Any who, loved this, thought it was great, keep on writing and good luck!

I agree with Juniper in that this poem does not move the reader very much. I have had this said to me before and it really helped, you have a skeleton for a great poem. It is a good start, but here we see know reason to sympathize with her except this vague stanza.

I once knew a girl,
who fell in love,
but nothing could fix her broken heart,
nothing at all.

That is the only reasoning here for her to kill herself, but there is no other explanation, no more emotion, nor is there anything that stands out about this right now. As I have said before you do have a good start, but take the poem into more detail, create a better story with more reasons why she would kill herself. Make us feel her anguish, her crushed soul by putting in more elements we can relate to. For instance, I am sure everyone has lost a family member they were close to or something of that nature, and tapping into that sort of helplessness will make this poem shine. I would suggest creating a scenario where whoever she was with was her only support, the only person left who made her happy because of some fatal reason. I do not know what you want to do with, but make it seem as though she is absolutely nothing without that person, and that every fiber of her happiness disappeared after they broke up, and her heart was shattered. Again good start, and keep working on this poem. It will be great when you add the rest of the body to this piece of work.

I liked this except for a few of the things mentioned before, about spelling and also the delivery. I liked how you had it formatted, like every other stanza was similar in some sort of way. Keep up on the writing because I would be interested to read some more of your work