Making Sandwiches

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This is for the great response I got for my Making Tea which you can read here. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic66606.html

I hope you enjoy is as much as the last one :)

Charlie! Charlie where are you? Come here this instant!
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Ah, there you are. Now, you’re 16 and I think it is high time you learn to make your own Sandwiches for college. You are going tommorow and I expect you to make your own food for lunch or to go hungry. Do you understand?
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You don’t know how to make a sandwich? You’re kidding right?
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No? No! Oh, fine, I’ll teach you. Right, first, you’ll need some bread. Get some from the bread bin.
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Great ok, here’s the bread knife. Cut yourself two slices.
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Can you have them thick? Yes, yes of course. As thick as you like. I’ll just go to the loo, you should have that done by the time I get back.
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Are you done?
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What have you done? I told you to cut two slices!
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I said as thick as you like? Yes I know that but I didn’t mean that you could just cut the whole loaf in half!
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You’re hungry? You might be hungry young man but no-one can eat that much bread in one sitting. Give me the knife. There, that’s better. Two reasonable slices. Now then, you will need to butter the bread. The butter is in the fridge. I’ll be back in a minute.
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Are you done?
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Why not?
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You couldn't be bothered?
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The fridge was too far away? Its 3 steps away from you! Fine, let me butter it. You go and get some things to put in your sandwich.
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You have the things? Show me.
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Smarties?! You can’t put smarties in a sandwich!
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Yes you can? No, no you can’t and that’s final! What else are you hiding behind your back?
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Dried spagetti and ice-cream! For goodness sake. Give them to me. Right, we are going to put cheese in your sandwich. Cheese ok. A nice ordinary sandwich filling. I’ll get it for you. Right, here we are. Could you grate it please?
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Where's the grater? In the cupboard.
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Oh, Liz is calling I'll be right back.
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What have you done?! My neat cupboards!
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You couldn't find the grater? I told you it was in the cupboard!
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But I didn't say which one? Yes, well. Uh. It was in that one. The only one you didn't completely empty.
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Sorry? Oh, alright I forgive you. Just grate some cheese for your sandwich.
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Good. I can't believe you finally did something right! Now then get some clingfilm to wrap up this sandwich like you would if you were taking it to college.
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Wrap it up then!
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The sandwich not your hand! That's a waste of clingfilm!
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You'll use the same clingfilm to wrap up the sandwich? No! No don't do that, that's un-hygenic. Give the cling flim to me. I'll wrap it up.
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Will you stop making that popping noise please it's very distracting.
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You like popping clingfilm?
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Well, just stop.
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Stop it now.
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How many times do I have to tell you to stop?
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Give that piece of clingfilm to me right now! It's going in the bin. Now then, where was I. Oh yes. Wrapping your sandwich.
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There all done!
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What do you do with it now? For goodness sake! It’s a sandwich for crying out loud!
Last edited by Lydia1995 on Sun Jul 11, 2010 7:28 am, edited 2 times in total.
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?




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This is primarily a humorous piece again, all monologue, so I can hardly give it a proper review. Actually, I found this rather creepy - not at all funny like I can see you'd intended. In your effort to be 'strange' and 'funny,' I think you leaned to far on the 'strange' side and some of the things the boy does come across as downright bizarre, and almost cheaply unbelievable, put for the sake of make someone laugh. Of course, it is that very fact that stops me from laughing - that I know why such details are there. These details serve no other purpose than that, hence whatever characterisation you wanted to achieve comes across as shallow. And some of it is just...ugh: rubbing butter in hair, wrapping sandwiches in condoms. I cannot imagine anyone except perhaps the mentally disabled ever doing something like that, and even then, I would think it highly improbable. So, just be careful how much ridiculous stuff you inject into your work all for the sake of humour. It often has the opposite effect.

Other than that, I rather enjoy the style - the one-sided chatter. It leaves the other half up to our imagination and I am rather fond of the lack of quotation marks myself. You may perhaps like to try something cleaner, however, in the future.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 23443
Reviews 193
Navita- Thanks for your comments. I found myself sort of running out of ideas and pushing to extremes and I think that maybe why it was like that for you. I'm going to make edits to it now :)
Thanks again for your feedback.
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?



We're just all nosy little busybodies.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi