Fake Date (2) part 2

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 230
Reviews 268
***
I’m on the phone with July. She just won’t shut up about David.

“So-I ask for the one-hundredth time, do you wanna go to Josh’s party?” I cut her sentence.
“On my birthday? You want to take me to a senior’s… okay,” I can only guess what she was thinking.

A senior’s party on her birthday-that’s her dream come true. Since my brother is part of the soccer team he is friends with the whole entire school. I really don’t know how that works but it does. July has always wanted to be a part of the popular-older crowd.
I can smell Sophie’s shampoo that’s coming from the bathroom. She must be getting washed.

“When are we going?” She finally finishes the David marathon.
“Uh, at 5-I think,”
I sit down on my bed and sink into the comforter.
“Okay, gotta get prepped bye,” She hangs up.

For this whole hour she was talking about her breakfast date with David. All this does for me is, piss me off. She went on and on about how sweet he was and that he was a total rebel- she listened to his stories about shoplifting and when he ran away from home to go to a party in Florida. (shock still fills me at that point) - all she actually says is that he’s a rebel. July doesn't say any word about him just "Rebel,". Her parents hate those kinds of guys and so does she. The thing is, why is she dating David is she doesn’t find those types appealing? Maybe something went wrong between her and her parents so now she’s trying to get back at them this way. So that would mean she’s using him. I think too much.

I hop off my bed and take a peek at my hamster cage. My hamsters name is Kelly. Sophie really likes her and loves to sniff her cage and watch her. We never had a hamster when Sophie was around, we just didn’t think of it so no wonder Kelly is shocking to Sophie. We had three hamsters before this one. She’s white with gray spots and stripes, my other hamsters were brown. This one is a miniature hamster our past ones were normal sized.
Kelly is in her little house sleeping.

My phone rings and I answer it.
“Hello,” I say.
“Yo, Yo. What’s up in your hiz house?” my friend Toby says in his New York accent.
“Uh, nothin’, yous?”

Toby is my lab partner in science since the 9th grade. We’ve been hanging out since then. He is that kind of laid back type of person that loves to play sports and watch some TV. I thought at first that he was some kind of wannabe gangster by the way he dressed in 9th. Once we became partners I noticed that he was the funniest guy that I’ve ever met! He comes from the Bronx in New York. That’s mostly the reason why he dresses and talks the way he does and to look cool.
“I’m headin’ to Josh Fillmore’s party, hbu?”
I forgot to mention that he does talk in text sometimes…
“Yup- of course I am that’s my bro’s pal,” I look through my closet pulling out my outfit for the party.
“Cool, see ya.” He hangs up.
“Bye,” I throw my phone onto the couch.

Found the right outfit. Some knee length dark jeans, a “ripped” white T-shirt, black heels and some peace sign necklaces- Perfect for the occasion.
***
I’ve got July’s present in my purse. She isn’t at the party. Why would she miss an opportunity like this?

“Hey Liley,” some random guy says my name wrong.
“Leave me alone,”
I’m sitting outside on the patio with my Coke in my hand. It’s dark and the time is about 8pm.
“Oh, scared little Sophomore,” he mocks me.

All I can see in this dim light is his huge stomach and 80’s outfit.

“Fuck off,”
“Lookie here, a girl with bad manners.” He sits right next to me and I move away.
“I like those kinds,” he gets closer again.

“Leave me alone,” I start to feel uncomfortable. Nobody really notices because pretty much more than half of this crowd is drunk and they don’t mind the whole wanting-to-have-sex-with-everyone act.

“Feisty,” I can smell his breath now which is filled with vodka.
There is no more patio left and all I can do is fall on the grass and blame him for it or just run inside the house since no one’s there.
“Fuck off ass,” I try to push him away with words.
He starts trying to touch me and I slap his hand.
“Aw, I really like you know,” he now grabs hold of me and I can’t get out of his grip.
“Let go off me!” I yell.
I hear someone walk near us then I see a familiar shadow.
“Let her go,” David says.

The deush that’s holding me looks up at him. “Lookie here, your boyfriend is here to do your battles,” he laughs hoarsely.

David kneels down to us and punches the guy in the face. You can see the blood fly through the air as I pull my face away so I won’t get splattered.
“Nice boyfriend,” the guy lets go of me and leaves. I smile once he says that and my stomach turns when I look at David.
His smile just blows me away.

Now people notice that something has happened because they stare at the situation. They couldn’t have noticed that I was in trouble no, just the part where I get saved by David. No one would have helped me because they really only notice fights.
The crowd goes back to what they were doing.

“Thanks,” I say to David.
“No problem,” he smiles as he holds his right arm in his left.
“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,”
We both stand up and I leave my Coke on the ground. My heart thumps faster as I think of what he did. He saved me. David, out of everyone in the world, saved me.

“You shouldn’t be messin’ with those types of guys,” he recommends.
“I wasn’t, he just came up to me,”
“Then call me,”
I start to feel my heart thumping even faster that I’m afraid it will pop out of me.
“Okay,”

The air smells like alcohol and sweaty teenagers. But that doesn’t bother me anymore since David’s here.

“I gotta go to July- she just called me to go to her. I don’t know how to get there from here; can you help me get there?” David asks me.
“Yeah, totally- let’s go,” we both go through the dark house and out onto the street. My heart sinks once I remember that he’s July’s boyfriend- not mine.
Last edited by Nike on Mon Jul 12, 2010 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 31764
Reviews 84
Hello Nike! It's me again! :D

As always, I'll nitpick for a bit first --- amendments are in blue.

She went on and on about how sweet he was and that he was a total rebel (shock still fills me at that point) - all she actually says is that he’s a rebel.


I find this to be really paradoxical --- I was under the impression that David was a gentleman, not a rebel. :O

So that would mean she’s using him. I think too much.


I know what you're trying to convey here, but don't you think it's a bit...abrupt to say, "I think too much" immediately after finding out that July might possibly be using David as a tool to get back at her parents?

This one is a miniature hamster while our past ones were normal sized.


He is that kind of laid back type of person that loves to play sports and watch some ordinary TV.


What did you exactly mean by "ordinary TV"? What is your definition of "ordinary"?

“Lookie here, your boyfriend is here to do your battles,” he laughs a horse laugh.

Hoarse, not horse. Also, "laughs a horse laugh" seems a tad too repetitive! If I were you, I would write something like, "he laughed hoarsely".

Now about the story! I quite like how the plot is unfolding, and I look forward to your next installment! :D

Keep writing!

-Rosie =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.






User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Hello.

One thing I picked up on was your punctuation, both dialogue and prose. You have a few missing apostrophes, misplaced commas in the prose and some of the dialogue, such as here:

“On my birthday? You want to take me to a senior’s… okay,” I can only guess what she was thinking.


Has a comma instead of a period (or vice versa). Here is an article about dialogue punctuation, and here is an article on general punctuation.

At the very start you did a pretty good job of only giving us details that were somehow relevant to the story or character, but when you started to describe the hamster and her hamster history I got lost. It could be because I haven't read the other parts so I don't know who Sophie is, but she seems to be a dog? But past the description being mildly confusing, it stopped the story dead. The hamster bit is a total aside, not related to much of anything going on. When faced with details like that, only give the bare minimum needed to have readers understand the thing exists before moving on with the plot. Here is an article that goes into more depth about unneeded information.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 22451
Reviews 498
Hi there.

Okay, first off, the others seem to have noticed everything that was wrong, except maybe a little thing.

“Feisty,” I can smell his breath now which is filled with vodka.

Vodka is actually the only alcoholic drinks that doesn't smell in our breaths. Beer, rum, gin, sourpuss- and so on- on the other end are more noticeable. Or you can just say alcohol.

The other thing that bothered me is the unnecessary details you seem to be giving us at random. Yes, details about the characters and things that goes into the story are good, but too much of them are overwhelming.

Toby is my lab partner in science since the 9th grade. We’ve been hanging out since then. He is that kind of laid back type of person that loves to play sports and watch some TV. I thought at first that he was some kind of wannabe gangster by the way he dressed in 9th. Once we became partners I noticed that he was the funniest guy that I’ve ever met! He comes from the Bronx in New York. That’s mostly the reason why he dresses and talks the way he does and to look cool.

Like this is pertinent, because she's talking to the person she's describing. But the text in bold is not necessary. Yes it's extra information, but we don't need to know that. We can figure it out on our own just by the way he talks, or if you're describing what he wears...

Okay, I'm done with the bashing. :) I like the plot. And keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466



Quotegenworthy is a adjective which should be used on YWS way more.
— NovemberCrow