Leave out all the rest

Okay now I am taking a break from fantasy all together and I will write the beginning of a romance book. (Man I am all over the place these days!) Please comment and I hope you enjoy!


I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car I had been crammed in for the last four hours.It was actually pretty nice for it being the end of July This was my first step into something I had never experienced. I was nervous, excited and curious all at the same time. My mind was cleared and opened to any possibilities that might be thrown at me. I had done a lot of thinking lately ( four hours worth of Tom and Jerry will do that to you) and I decided that this was a once in a life time experience and that I should make the most of it. My friend Natalie jumped out of the car next to me and gave me a smile.

"Isn't this exciting?"

I nodded trying to swallow down the nausea that had worked it's way up my throat. Natalie's mom and our coach stepped out from the driver's side. She took a deep breath and looked into the sun,

" Now this will be an interesting week," She announced excitedly. "Alright everyone let's get checked in and then we'll unload the car." She was making it sound like a new adventure. But then again Mrs. Cossin could make anything sound exciting.

Natalie gave me a quick squeeze which was rare for her because she wasn't much of a hugger. "Thank you so much for coming with me, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come to this camp with me." Now I know you're thinking Camp? No biggie! why are you freaking out? Before you decide that I'm a wuss and stop reading this, hear me out. This was a running camp and you would be placed in groups based on how well you ran. That and I was never all that great at being social and in this camp I was supposed to be making "bonds" with new and old friends. Judging by the looks on most of the other kids faces they all felt that this was just as a great idea as I did. I scooted closer to natalie as we passed a group of kids setting up thier tents. They stared at us as we walked by like we were from an alien planet. I suppose our neon colored shirts didn't help that idea much either. I scooped my long dirty blond hair up into a pony tail in an attempt to look somewhat like a runner.

Mrs. Cossin didn't seem to notice the looks at all as she paraded on past the different groups shouting out things like " Good afternoon!" and "Oooo nice tent!" We finally reached the main building at the camp after what seemed like ages and Mrs. Cossin wasted no time in getting in line.A steady hum filled the room from all of the conversations floating around. My group's conversations were quickly added to the buzz. When we got to the front desk we were all given name tags and pamphlets. I stuffed mine in my back pocket deciding that I would have plenty of time to read it later. When I looked up I noticed a boy staring at me. I quickly looked away in effort to make the situation less awkward. I was about to look bask at him when a young man with a pimple covered face stood on chair in the middle of the room with a blow horn and shouted with a very nasally voice,
"Welcome to South West Missouri Running camp." he paused for the cheer that rose up from the campers. "If you look to our right we have the shower facilities..." I stopped listening because his voice was annoying and instead decided to look for the boy I had caught staring before. He wasn't hard to find because he was right in front of the announcer guy all sprawled out on a chair looking like he owned the world. I guessed he was about sixteen or so, maybe older. He had long dark brown curly hair and very expressive blue eyes. He had an easy smile and a very laid back look to him. Most of the runners I knew were very laid back people which was why I loved running so much. A group of girls from behind us giggled and pointed at the guy. I was sure he noticed but he paid no heed. Then he turned his head and his gaze met mine. He smiled at me and winked. For a moment I forgot how to breathe. I gathered myself quickly and smiled back. Pimple face chose that time to look at me and say

"Now if we're all finished making googly eyes at our friends," He paused for the snickers " Then let's head outside!" The boy who I had smiled at laughed at me and followed Pimple face out the door. Did I mention the guy's voice was annoying?

.....to be continued....maybe

I thought this was a very interesting story> I really enjoyed reading it. I liked how you didn't have your main character fall for the boy she thought was cute as soon as she met him like so many writers do. It felt real,like something actual teenagers can relate to. Good job! Keep up the good work!

Hey, I'm Jet. I clicked on this primarily because it has the same name as a Linkin Park song, which seems odd. Was that intentional? Anyway, I'm not really sure where you're going with this, other than the obvious (falling in love with the boy with blue eyes). There are two issues I'm going to discuss here, so bear with me.

Punctuation

There are a lot of punctuation errors. I can't tell if that's because you haven't proof-read or because you're not sure of the rules, but I'll pick them out as I go through and correct them. There are just some general grammar problems that I included as well, to make my job a bit easier. My corrections are in bold.

It was actually pretty nice for it being the end of Julyfull stop. This was my first step into something I had never experienced.

once in a lifeno space heretime experience

I noddedcomma trying to swallow down the nausea that had worked it's its way up my throat.

She took a deep breath and looked into the sunfull stop.

"no space hereNow this will be an interesting week," She she announced excitedly. "Alright everyonecomma let's get checked in and then we'll unload the car."

Judging by the looks on most of the other kidsapostrophe faces

I scooted closer to natalie Natalie

my long dirty blonde hair

getting in line.spaceA steady hum

I stuffed mine in my back pocketcomma deciding

I was about to look bask back at him

"Welcome to South West Missouri Running camp." he He paused for the cheer

"Nowcomma if we're all finished making googly eyes at our friendsfull stop." He paused for the snickersfull stop. "no space hereThen let's head outside!"

There are also several occasions where you should use a comma in the sentence, and you neglect it. To catch those moments, read your piece aloud and note where you take a natural pause.

Show, don't tell

You tend to rely on short, simplistic sentences, and we have very little sense of character or emotion. To be honest, it's only through your context that I can determine your character's gender, because she doesn't have very individual thoughts. It's not a lack of description that's the problem; you describe the setting and the boy she locks eyes with, but in a very bland manner. The problem with romance is that it can just be the same story over and over again, because essentially, it tends to boil down to boy meets girl. You need to make your piece more than that if you want to capture readers.

To do so, I suggest working in some more unique descriptive phrases and using imagery rather than relying on telling us what's going on. To do this, you'll need to ensure that you fully understand your characters and their relationships. As yet, there's no real conflict in this piece, nor does your MC really feel any negativity at all. It's quite basic. If Natalie is to be a long-standing character, establish her in this chapter so we get a feel for her character too. Don't let your characters become mere reflections of yourself or your friends, because that's all they will ever be: reflections, without feelings. I'd recommend a character sheet.

Love at first sight is a tricky way to go. It has to be very emotional and very powerful if you want to make it work. I'd suggest reading around your topic, i.e. find a well known romantic novel and read it. To be honest, reading Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet wouldn't be a bad road to go down. It's not modern and it's not prose, but the sheer emotion and passion in Romeo's early speeches (even more so in the later ones, but I doubt suicide's applicable) is tangible, and it is the traditional love story, I suppose. You need to let the reader feel some of the emotional intensity. Don't just blindly tell us what happened, sentence by sentence. How does she feel?

Anyway, I understand it's your first time writing romance, and I remember being in that position and realising suddenly that it's a lot harder than I'd anticipated. I wish you lots of luck as you move forward with this and hope that my advice was at least a little useful!

- Jet.

Thorough corrections:

Spoiler

Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
Red Strikethrough = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.
I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car I had been crammed in for the last four hours. It was actually pretty nice considering it was the end of July. This was my first step into something I had never experienced. [How exactly? Isn’t life full of first steps into something we’ve never experienced? Walking. Talking. Eating. Swimming. School. …And we haven’t even gone past the first 5 years of life.] I was nervous, excited and curious all at the same time. My mind was cleared and opened [Was it cleared and opened just then or was it already clear and open?] to any possibilities that might be thrown at me. I had done a lot of thinking lately (four hours worth of Tom and Jerry will do that to you) and I decided that this was a once in a life time experience and that I should make the most of it. [Kind of a run on here.] My friend Natalie jumped out of the car next to me and gave me a smile.

"Isn't this exciting?"

I nodded trying to swallow down the nausea that had worked its way up my throat. Natalie's mom and our coach stepped out from the driver's side. She [Who?] took a deep breath and looked into the sun,

"Now this will be an interesting week," She announced excitedly. "Alright, everyone, let's get checked in, and then we'll unload the car." She was making it sound like a new adventure. But, then again, Mrs. Cossin could make anything sound exciting.

Natalie gave me a quick squeeze, which was rare for her because she wasn't much of a hugger. "Thank you so much for coming with me, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come to this camp with me." Now I know you're thinking – Camp? No biggie! Why are you freaking out? Before you decide that I'm a wuss and stop reading this, hear me out. This was a running camp, and you would be placed in groups based on how well you ran. That and I was never all that great at being social and in this camp I was supposed to be making "bonds" with new and old friends. [Again run-on-ish… kind of confusing.] Judging by the looks on most of the other kids faces, they all felt that this was just as a great an idea as I did. I scooted closer to Natalie as we passed a group of kids setting up their tents. They stared at us as we walked by like we were from an alien planet. I suppose our neon colored shirts didn't help that idea much, either. I scooped my long, dirty blond hair up into a pony tail in an attempt to look somewhat like a runner.

Mrs. Cossin didn't seem to notice the looks at all as she paraded on past the different groups shouting out things like, "Good afternoon!" and "Oooo nice tent!"
We finally reached the main building at the camp after what seemed like ages, and Mrs. Cossin wasted no time in getting in line. A steady hum filled the room from all of the conversations floating around. My group's conversations were quickly added to the buzz. [Anything in particular they discussed?] When we got to the front desk, we were all given name tags and pamphlets. I stuffed mine in my back pocket deciding that I would have plenty of time to read it later. When I looked up, I noticed a boy staring at me. I quickly looked away in effort to make the situation less awkward. I was about to look back at him when a young man with a pimple covered face stood on a chair in the middle of the room with a blow horn and shouted with a very nasally voice,
"Welcome to South West Missouri Running camp." he paused for the cheer that rose up from the campers. "If you look to our right we have the shower facilities..." I stopped listening because his voice was annoying, and instead decided to look for the boy I had caught staring before. He wasn't hard to find because he was right in front of the announcer guy all sprawled out on a chair looking like he owned the world. I guessed he was about sixteen or so, maybe older. He had long dark brown curly hair and very expressive blue eyes. [Expressive how? What do they express?] He had an easy smile and a very laid back look to him. Most of the runners I knew were very laid back people, which was why I loved running so much. A group of girls from behind us giggled and pointed at the guy. I was sure he noticed, but he paid no heed. Then he turned his head and his gaze met mine. He smiled at me and winked. For a moment I forgot how to breathe. I gathered myself quickly and smiled back. Pimple face chose that time to look at me and say,

"Now, if we're all finished making googly eyes at our friends," He paused for the snickers. “Then let's head outside!" The boy who I had smiled at laughed at me and followed Pimple face out the door. Did I mention the guy's voice was annoying?

As a proofreader, I'll admit that Ideally I'd love to able to just read through something and ignore all the grammatical mistakes. But I also decidedly happen to be a perfectionist, so I can't. Personal suggestion would be to read through your own work first to try and find all the grammatical mistakes (Granted, there are times when one as a writer has no idea, and that's where proofreaders come in. But basic commas, periods, typos, etc. shouldn't really be our task.)

I think Jet pretty much pointed out anything I'd say as far as generalized comments go. We still have no real idea of who your character is. I admit that I struggle with this, but I'll repeat something that a proofreader of mine once told me - the whole point of having a story in first person POV is getting a look into the secret, inner workings of their mind. Have you ever gone around in a single day to check how many thoughts go through your head based on the stupidest of little details? I mean, think of the comparsion of women's brains to spaghettis. A simple observation can trigger an entire trail of thought that winds up having nothing to do with what whatever set it off. So keep that in mind. In a first person story sometimes it's not so much what happens outside, but what's going on in the character's mind. What they're feeling.
Of course, don't go overboard. I will say that if I wrote down every single thought and observation that went through my head, aside from the events that occurr, in a single day, it would probably make a pretty lenghty novel. But would anyone really be interested in reading it?

The plot sounds interesting. I like how your summary doesn't give much away. (Although the grammar and word confusion mistakes therein threw me off a little.) I would like to read more, so keep going!

»Sam.

Loved it!
The suspense kills me!

Ok, so I finally reviewed your story. This story is pretty good so I don't have very many nitpicks.

servant4christ wrote: I had done a lot of thinking lately ( four hours worth of Tom and Jerry will do that to you) and I decided that this was a once in a life time experience and that I should make the most of it.

Lol

servant4christ wrote: Natalie's mom and our coach stepped out from the driver's side.

It sounds like you're talking about two people here. A mom and a coach.

servant4christ wrote:Natalie gave me a quick squeeze which was rare for her because she wasn't much of a hugger.

I've heard you tell writers that you don't like it when they write random information that doesn't add much to the plot. So she isn't much of a hugger. So what? It's ok for you to describe natilie, but... I don't know it just doesn't seem like it goes with your story. Maybe you need to add something to this? like it's just an unfinished statement?

servant4christ wrote:"Thank you so much for coming with me, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come to this camp with me." Now I know you're thinking Camp? No biggie! why are you freaking out? Before you decide that I'm a wuss and stop reading this, hear me out. This was a running camp and you would be placed in groups based on how well you ran. That and I was never all that great at being social and in this camp I was supposed to be making "bonds" with new and old friends.

This is good. You added yourself into your story, and whenever you do that you'll most likely get a good story.

Over all
I really like it. And thanx for writing, it actually got me inspired for a story, so I owe it to you.

Hi there.

So everyone already pointed pretty much everything that I saw or bothered me.

I quickly looked away in an effort to make the situation less awkward.

This is the only mistake that I saw that wasn't already mentioned by the others.

Also, I like your story. You just have to get into it more, because, honestly it's not enough to make us addicted and want to read more. You have to make your readers attached to your characters in order to make them like your story and want to read more. For that I would recommend to make it more emotional. We need to hear her thoughts, feel her worry, her excitement like it was our own. Make yourself see it, write it as if it was you. What you would think, what you would do... Normally that does the trick.

Other than that, this was short. Real short. I want to know the rest, and know what happens. I think your not even past your introduction, am I right? Please post some more, well that is if you have more. If not, well then you might want to consider to do so, because your plot is good and it has lots of potential.

Hope it helped!

-Other One

Good suspense! Made me want to read more! Keep working on it!

Hello Servant! How are you today?

It was actually pretty nice for it being the end of July

Say what was pretty nice, the weather? temperature? and you can take out the "it being" because it is given. And then you could give us some description, what's the setting? What's so nice about it?

Personally, I don't like the big block paragraphs. I suggest splitting them up and perhaps making it a little less rushed by adding more details. Also, the dialogue should be on a new line when it's a new person speaking.

When I looked up I noticed a boy staring at me. I quickly looked away in effort to make the situation less awkward.

I'm not a fan of this moment because it is too blatant. Make it a little subtler, perhaps by adding some more room detail and working it in there - if that makes any sense. You don't really say what about the situation was awkward. Did the MC meet the boys eyes and then feel uncomfortable, thus causing her to feel the need to look away?

Other than those few nit-picks I liked this, you have a unique and real voice and it certainly sounds like a teenager. Watch out because this story could easily become cliche but I like what you have and I am interested to see where you go with this. PM me if you have any questions, comments, concerns