Young Writers Society

Something I thought about during a 4th of July parade. It's a little over dramatic, though.

Each float,
each vestige in the parade of patriotism,
is powered by a motive of non-altruism.

One by one,
slowly slinking by on their route of creed,
each unknowingly gripped by greed.

They use this day,
under a candy-covered, flag-smothered veil,
to simply advertise the next big sale.

This country,
a place of brotherhood among free men,
is being ruled by those with the gems.

Periablo wrote:Something I thought about during a 4th of July parade. It's a little over dramatic, though.

Each float,
each vestige in the parade of patriotism,
is powered by a motive of non-altruism.

One by one,
slowly slinking by on their route of creed,
each unknowingly gripped by greed.

They use this day,
under a candy-covered, flag-smothered veil,
to simply advertise the next big sale.

This country,
a place of brotherhood among free men,
is being ruled by those with the gems.

Nice poem and really hard words haha
Keep moving ~Huthaifa

Nice poem, and very true! The rhyme scheme is wonderful.

Periablo wrote:One by one,
slowly slinking by on their route of creed,
each unknowingly gripped by greed.

"Unknowingly gripped by greed" is brilliant.

Periablo wrote:They use this day,
under a candy-covered, flag-smothered veil,
to simply advertise the next big sale.

Hmm. For some reason, when I think of "smothered," I think of something you can spread, like peanut butter or cream cheese. I might reconsider "flag-smothered veil." How about "flag-covered veil"?

Periablo wrote:This country,
a place of brotherhood among free men,
is being ruled by those with the gems.

I might just say, "those with gems." There are tons and tons and tons of gems in America. They aren't all divided amongst the rich. Then again, I look at things like that way too closely.

In all, five out of five stars and a *like* from me!

hello my name is James and i'm new,
nice to see such good work. i like the way the rhymes fit and have a very nice specific meaning. A discription of a patriotic person's feelings is hard to express but i think you really grabbed the readers interest. i really liked it.
please PM me for any quaries.

I liked this because it was very true, your wording skills are great and I hope you post more

Periablo wrote:Each float,
each vestige in the parade of patriotism,
is powered by a motive of non-altruism.

Too chunky. "Powered by a motive of non-altruism", really? You're not writing a dissertation on behavioral biology here, you're writing a poem. Even if you were trying to write a dissertation in the form of a poem, it would still be terribly done if it came out like this. Read it to yourself, aloud. I hope that you will then understand how choppily this whole thing flows and how it quickly irritates the reader.

One by one,
slowly slinking by on their route of creed,
each unknowingly gripped by greed.

How exactly should I visualize a route of creed? Can you imagine anything? I would expect not, so use some imagery people can actually relate to, and then link that to the "route of creed".

The problem here is that you're attempting to give us morals without making it sound worth the reader's time. If someone walked up to you and started preaching about how you're doing something wrong, would you appreciate the help or be annoyed at this invasion of privacy? Most would choose the latter, and for good reason. If you're going to tell us something, do so by luring us into the cathartic feel of place and phenomena, and then spring the "morals trap" on the reader. Then only will he retain your message.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Let me translate and see if I actually got the right meaning. Translation in red, of course.

Each float,
each vestige in the parade of patriotism,
is powered by a motive of non-altruism.

Every float in the Independence Day Parade
is powered by selfishness.

One by one,
slowly slinking by on their route of creed,
each unknowingly gripped by greed.

The floats drive by, symbolic of liberty and justice,
but really represent selfishness.

They use this day,
under a candy-covered, flag-smothered veil,
to simply advertise the next big sale.

They pretend to be patriotic in celebrating the nation's special day,
but really, they're just being greedy.

This country,
a place of brotherhood among free men,
is being ruled by those with the gems.

You think this country is a great country for freedom and liberty?
This country is controlled by the selfish.

Hokay, so:

First off, I agree with your point. 174% agreement here. However, the way I read the poem (which may not be the correct way!), it just seems to repeat itself, which may be intentional. Now, the phrasing is nice and I love the use of $5 words, but it limits your audience to either a.) higher-level readers or b.) fans of V for Vendetta.

Why V fans? Because the way this is written, it sounds like the speeches V would give if he were an enemy to America.


All-in-all:

I liked it. No, you didn't give vivid imagery and you didn't touch on something that hasn't been done before. But you caught my attention and I have to give you points for that. But very dramatic...which you forewarned me about. So no complaints!

Oh, and:

each unknowingly gripped by greed.

They use this day,

Last line of stanza two and the first line of stanza 3 butt heads.

Oh my god thank you all so much for the comments. This is the first thing I've really posted in a long time and I was kind of worried about the reception. I really appreciate it everyone .
I suppose that I should explain why I wrote it... This was, I guess, the first year that I actually payed attention during a parade. And I just noticed that every single float wasn't like, just for America. Its all about advertising your store or business. It kind of made me mad, although I realize that it is necessary because honestly, who else could afford a float? Which was basically the whole thought process. I didn't mean for it to sound so anti-American, because I honestly do love this country.
I feel like defending my choices a little bit, and, you know, why the hell not? It didn't seem too choppy when I read it out loud, but I totally was worried that it would be when I wrote it. I guess that my internal rhythm kept it sounding good in my head, but not in other people's. I'll keep that in mind for the future. And route of creed was kind of out there, i agree. I just hoped it would work. My other two choices for those lines were "route of democracy" and "gripped by hippocracy". Which probably would have made more sense, but I thought were waaaay too cliche. I just couldn't do it lol.
Those are the things I wanted to touch on, I guess. Again, thank you all so much for the comments. I'll keep them all in mind for the future when I write!

Harsh. I love it. Its a nice change from the usual main ideas most chose to write on. Its bold to say "This country,a place of brotherhood among free men,is being ruled by those with the gems." because not a lot of people can man up enough to say there is something wrong with their country.

Wow! this poem was VERY nice! You were able to use complicated words but not overdo your gift of words. The rhyme and rhythm you used made the poem easy to read. And lastly, I did not feel that it was over dramatic at all! (you did post it in the "Dramatic" section didn't you?) Anyways. keep writing! I can just tell you have great potential!

Hey I love your title! Whether I read or review something depends on the title and yours really captured me.

Anyway I dont get the whole 4th July thing since im not American but I do get the message behind your poem and I agree with it.

Your use of words are very effective and all-in-all this is an awesome poem

Happy writing
FROMNZ

Really nice poem. Wonderful piece. Just one thing...

...
This country,
a place of brotherhood among free men,
is being ruled by those with the gems.
- Maybe you could try "the rich within them..."- or something else to rhyme with -em. "those with gems" just seems stapled on all for the purpose of rhythm and rhyme and just doesn't seem to work on such a pretty poem.

Other than that, it's good.