August's New Hope. Part 1.

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OK, so this is my first. Also, I'm not sure how many parts there are going to be, I'm just going to keep writing until I finish the story. I might not finish it first on here, but I will finish it. lol OK! That's it! lol xD Oh and I have a habit of naming my parts on here so it looks like chapters. lol xD Hope you enjoy!

Part 1, The big surprise.

Was it that possible...? Really...? It was, I have to be dreaming or something. But why now? It happen over ten or nine years back.
"I can explain. Please let me talk." He said looking at me. But still, if you saw a person die, if you where at his funeral, then how was it possible for him to be here, in front of you, talking, hugging and looking at you. My eyes where about to break into tears. If this really was a dream, then why was this so realistic?
August, 1994. I remember like it was yesterday. We ran through the fields of Crook, Wyoming. I laughed as we held the kite together, me and Kaper. Well his real name was Dale. But he hated it even though he was only about a year older then me, which he was seven. I was six. But anyways, we where having fun. The prairie went through a small set of woods and on one side of the woods, there was a small neighborhood. The street cut into it and rode around the small woods and out in the middle of the fields. There was only about 4 houses in that neighborhood. Only big trucks would ride in those streets but only a few times a week. I stopped as he yelled out to me.
"Wanna play hide and go seek tag?" He said smiling. I smiled back at him and gave him my kite.
"Yep. And the person who has the kite is it!" I said smiling. He and I laughed a bit before I ran off. I heard him counting and then yelling, "Ready! Here I come!". I laughed and ran into the bushes. I saw the red kite fly as he runs. I giggle quietly as he comes closer.
"I found you!" He said reaching his hand into the bush. I laugh and ran out of it before. I headed towards the street and looked back at him in the middle of the street.
"Coming!?" I said smiling and laughing. I looked forward and froze like a deer as two headlights rested on my face. "Watch out you idiot!" He said pushing me out of the way. I screamed and fell into the grass. I hit a tree pretty hard where tears streamed down my face.
"Kaper!" I gasped. I looked up and saw the kite. I was crushed. I came a little closer and stopped. The driver ran out and looked at him. I was balling my eyes out, just now realizing it. My face was soaking wet and my nose is runny.
"Is he OK?" I cried running near them. He held me back and asked me where I lived. I kept crying, not realizing that my arm was swollen and black and blue. I had cuts on my and my back was bleeding pretty badly. He held out his phone and that is when a solid pain came to my head and I fell to the ground.
My arm was broken in three separate pieces, my back needed about hundred stitches and the cuts where bandaged. The funeral was about a month afterwards. I was young so I got over it about a year or two later. But the memory still haunted me. Years past and it just became a bad dream that haunted and lingered through the back of my mind. For each of my birthdays, I wished that the accident never happened. But it still lingered in my head, but as the time went on, and it just got deeper into the back of my mind. Soon, I was enrolled into Berch Highschool Acadamy. Well not necessarily enrolled but I won a free degree there and to it's college as well. The school was separated into 4 parts, one part for each year of high school. So now I'm a sophomore and ready to get this year started. Nothing standing in my way to make me stop.. or so I thought.
September 3, Present day, First day of Sophomore. I walked into that place feeling new, even though I have been here before, I always was in the freshman part of it, so really I didn't know this part of the school before. It was huge and made up of 3 floors. The two top floors where class rooms only and the bottom floor was the gym, the door to the outside gym and the cafeteria. I stepped to the stairs that took me up to where I was supposed to go. I kept walking when a cute guy stepped in front of me. His glasses sat low on the arch of his nose.
"Hi Miss. Remember me? From last year!" He said flinging out his hands and arms to me. I stopped to think for a second before pausing and jump-hugging him.
"Joey! You got glasses! And you are cuter than last year!" I giggled. He was the water boy on the football team and I saw him get beat up. He didn't have glasses but he was adorable, so I helped him and we became friends. He smiled and petted me. Of coarse, I am always the shortest girl that he ever met raising in at only about 5"3 or 5"4 or whatever. I smiled and then started up walking.
"So how is your days now?" I said looking at the school map, trying to find my locker.
"Pretty good. I'm glad you grew an inch of at least about a half of one." He joked. I smiled and stuck out my tongue at him.
"Ya, watch it mister." I said laughing. I go back to the the map. "Damn this school is huge..." I whispered under my breathe. I usually don't cuss, but on some occasions I will. Well anyways, we kept walking until the bell rang and me and him separated into our different classes.
It was at night when I got visit. I held my books, taking the short cut through the fields and woods. He was tall and muscular and very, very, very handsome. He had brown hair and his eyes glow silver, witch was creepy but amazing at the same time.
"Um... Hello...?" I said walking near him. He stood by the street as if he was waiting for me. He looked at me and smiled.
"Hi. Remember me Soul..?" his voice nice and smooth. Many times people say my name is weird, but I like it. Like it very much. My real name was Soulienea Nervade. But people just called me Soul, witch, I had no problem with. I looked at him.
"Do... do I know you?" I said taking a small step closer. He looked like a much older, handsomer version of Kaper.
"You don't remember? You would call me by Kaper, but my real name is Dale Allen. I know this is a shock.. but if you would let me explain this all." He commented. I looked at him and almost fell back.
"Ya right, your probably playing a joke on me like the stupid immature kids in this neighborhood." I sarcastically commented back, starting up walking again towards my house. I felt a cold grip on my should and screamed. Bu his hand was over my mouth and he pulled me back with a force that lunged me to the ground.
"OW!" I sighed under my breath as I looked up at him.
"Why don't you believe me? Why is it so hard to believe this? Shouldn't you be happy that I'm here, with you, alive?" He said. He reached his hand out to me. I pushed it away and got up.
"I'm sorry, but if he was really alive, I mean, I saw him die, I went to his funeral and I... This is just a joke. I got to get home to fix dinner and clean up. Now, please excuse me." I said starting off again to walk away. The same hand gripped around my shoulder again. "Just leave me alone before I call the police!" I warned him jerking away. He grabbed me tighter and then pulled me back, this time, landing on my stomach. I looked up at him as he started to walk near me. I grabbed my pepper spray from my bag and started to spray him. It seemed to have no affect... but why? I hopped up and started to head to the street again, where I had came from. He went after me. I paused in the middle of the rode as a truck was coming right at me.
"Watch out you freaking idiot!" He yelled angrily pushing me out of the way. I landed into a mud puddle that collected over the saved rain water. He stood up as the truck pulled to a stop. I looked up at him. He looked like he had gotten ran over. He was covered with blood and his stomach was torn open to the point where you can see the insides. In just a matter of seconds, after he stood, he went back to normal, the blood sucking back in and the only proof that he was hit was his torn clothes. My eyes widen and I got up and backed up while I looked at him.
"We where playing hide and go seek tag. You gave me the red kite and I saved you. Now a second time. When will you learn to move when you need to instead of just standing there, like the idiot you are." He sounded mad. I looked at him.
"No... but... I saw you die... I went to your funeral.. I..." I stuttered as he came closer and I backed up.
"So what? Your not happy that I'm here..?" He said holding out his hand and looking at me with angry eyes. "Come on. Take it and we will go back and you can take a shower or what ever." He said. I shook my head. This had to be a dream. That was it. It was. I bit my lip until blood filled my mouth. The cut I made hurts like hell.. if it wasn't a dream.. then what was it..? I am so confused. I looked at him.
"Ghost... I'm seeing ghost. That's it. I am. they will leave me alone once I go through the forest. Ya." I was talking to myself. I started to walk. He grabbed both of my shoulders and held me into place.
"Listen, please. I can explain. Please let me talk." He said holding me so tight that it started to hurt. I started to jerk around.
"Let me go! PERVERT!" I screamed. He whipped me around and pulled me to his chest with his hand over my mouth. He started to drag me across the field. I bit into his skin, tasting that awful blood taste. He wasn't a ghost... what the hell?
"I told you to let me talk. And I am going to tell you. You bite me any more, I will leave you here in a part of the forest where you can't escape." He sounded kinda scary but in a stern. I nodded as we kept walking through the forest. His hand released off of my mouth but we kept walking, his hand still gripped around my shoulder.
We arrived to a beautiful mansion that was indeed in the woods that I had never went to before. He stopped and then pushed me inside. It kinda felt good to be in the AC for once. A fuzzy soft thing hit my back. When I turned around it was a towel. I looked at him. "Take a shower. You look like a freaking pig. Once you do, I will explain everything to you." I got a little offended when he told me that. I gave him a dirty look and crossed my arms.
"Take a shower huh? Why? So you can peek at me and then get away with something perverted and then kill me or something?" I protested snarling right back at him. He started to walk near me and then cornered me, his hands resting on the sides of the wall. He was very close to me, he had an evil smirk on his face.
"If I wanted to, I would. I would do something to you right now. If I wanted to kill you, I would do it right now. Take a knife and slice your throat, or better yet, strangle you after I'm done with you." He snarled with the meanest, scariest voice I had ever heard before. I kept backing up into the corner even though I couldn't go anywhere.
"But as you can see, I'm not that type of guy." He smirked with a snarl. My heart pounded as he grabbed my wrist and gently threw me onto the towel.
"Now, get over yourself and get washed up." I kinda felt sorry for what I had said. I got up and grabbed the towel. I looked at him. "So if you really are Kaper, then why are you so mad all of the time? The Kaper I knew was a happy person." I commented quietly heading upstairs which directly lead head on to the bathroom, which it's door was wide open so I could see it.
"Being killed changes you... now" He said before I cut him off.
"Ya...I know, shower. What ever." I really didn't liked to be bossed around. I started to head upstairs. When I got into the bathroom, I closed the door behind me and looked at the bathroom. The toilet was in a closet type thing so all you could see was the bathtub and shower... separated. I looked around and found some jeans and a tank top, the same colors and styles I wore on the day Kaper died. I undressed and got into the shower. The hot water helped me relax somewhat. I got out and got dressed.
I went downstairs and stopped as he plopped onto the couch. I growled a little bit and crossed my arms. "OK, now explain.". He got up and started to walk near me.
"I am a fallen angel. Heaven was too boring and perfect so I decided to steal a harp from one of the upper angels. I got kicked out or I fell. So now I thought I should look for my long lost friend." He grabbed the remote. I also realized that he said that last part sarcastically.
I growled. "So your trying to tell me that you are a fallen angel..? That's not hard to believe." I sarcastically mumbled under my breath. He growled and then grabbed my wrist. He dragged me to the kitchen as I screamed and struggle. He didn't let go of me. He grabbed a knife and I screamed my loudest. He pulled me up and rapped his hand around my mouth.
"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled angrily. He let go of me after he handed me the knife. His arm was stretched out to me. "Cut me with it." I looked at him.
"What...?! Are you crazy!" I growled. He grabbed my hand and placed it into his wrist. He jerked my hand back, slicing his wrist, almost to the bone. I looked at him and then at his wrist as he moved his fingers barely and the blood traced back onto his wrist and dissolved and the cut healed. The knife dropped and I held my breath.
"Now do you see you freaking idiot. Do you believe me now?" He had gotten shrewed over the years. I nodded and my heart kept pounding. I had no idea what to do or say. Well the holding breath thing caught up to me and I fainted.
When I woke up it was night. I was in a huge pink canopy bed. I looked at him as he slept by my bed side. I really had no idea what to think. Was this real? I sighed and sat myself up. I looked around and saw a small bowl with warm water and a soaked towel in it. I looked back at him and realized that his head was on the very end of the mattress, sitting criss-crossed. I got up and started to silently crawl to him and sat in front of his head. I looked at him and silently and gently rubbed my hand across his forehead, moving his hair out of the way. My hair was a dirty blonde always pulled back. But it was down right now. I looked at him and studied him. There was only one way to find out if it was him. Kaper had a dark birth mark on his lower back. It was shaped like a four leaf clover or what ever. I traced my hand to the front of his shirt. I felt his buttons and when my hand clutched on one, he grabbed my arm and flipped me over onto the hard wooden floor and got on top of me. "Who's the pervert now..?" He almost cracked a joke.
"I was just trying to see if you had the birthmark! Im no pervert!" I growled. I pushed him off and got on top of him. "Now take off your shirt!"
He grabbed my hand and flipped me onto my belly and twisted my hand back. "Aren't you a little young for that..?" He snarled.
I growled. "I'm not trying to do that you sicko! Just show me your back!". He laughed his devious laugh before getting up. He took off his shirt and man, he was very, very, muscular and even more handsome with his shirt off... not that I want to be with him or anything. He turned around and then, there, the same exact birthmark. I fell back and hit my head onto the bed. He laughed as I looked at him. He grabbed the small towel and started near me.
"For someone like you, you sure do hurt yourself alot." He said whipping the back of my head.
"That's not funny.. and how.. erhh.." I stuttered like an idiot.
"A fallen angel can't die. They go to neither heaven or hell. They are more emotional than humans and there feelings are very sensitive. They stay on this earth forever on end." He spoke very calmly as he pressed a little harder onto the back of my head. I can feel it compact in my head.
"I'm fine. Thanks. And sorry... I guess it was unexpected. I'm still a little... ya know, thinking this is a dream. But I guess I can enjoy it." I had a some what smile on my face. I hugged him and for the first time, he felt like a normal person instead like a freaking dead man.
"OK. Great to have you back. Now, if you don't mind, it is about 3 in the morning, I would like to go to bed." He said smiling.
"Do you have to be such an ass?" I crossed my arms.
"I'm just tired. Sorry. Now get to bed." He yawned, walking out. I rolled my eyes and then crawled into bed. It was pretty hard for me to fall asleep but eventually I did.
When I woke up, it was about 11 or 12 in the morning. My hair was a wreck as a stumbled down the steps. "I called your house phone but no one picked up. What happen to your parents..?" He said making eggs in the kitchen. I remember he loved to cook.
"Ya.. uhm.. they died about a month back or so." I sat down, remembering the good times. He looked at me and and then handed me a plate of eggs and bacon.
"Oh. Sorry. I made you your favorite." He kinda sounded sad as he was walking back. That made me smile a bit, smile about how he remembered my favorite breakfast. I started to eat. "I'm enrolling in your school." He went back to the stove and started to clean.
I spit out the food and got up. "School!? Oh my God! I totally forgot about school!" I whimpered almost yelling. He laughed.
"Stop it. I called in as your dad to tell them that you won't be there for a day or two." He walked to the sink. I was actually surprised about that.
The school doesn't know right now that my parents died. I just forge their signature or say that they couldn't make to the conferences it or act like my mom over the phone. If I didn't do this, I would be sent to an orphanage till I was the legal age to get out. I hated orphanages after seeing so many scary movies about them and hearing very sad stories. I sighed and got up. "Why try so hard? Why do you even wanted to meet me?". I have to hand it, It was a hard question to ask but I wanted to know.
"Because, we where best friends and I wanted to see if I could be able to re-live it. It wasn't the starting point I wanted though... but I guess it is alright." He smirked. I smiled and then finished my breakfast. "You are going to live here. If you don't want to... then leave now." He was stern and serious about this. Well.. I had no other choice and I was alone. Besides, what could go wrong to live with a fallen angel.. thing.
"Sure. I will live with you." I said cleaning off my dish.
"Good." He smiled before walking out.

End Of Part one. Preview of part 2.

School is different for him. For some reason.. he was put into special ed.. OK.. also he went into the girl's changing room and the bathroom... he needs help... wait a second... I need help with him!
Last edited by jesseyleebrady on Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:50 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hi! I'm octo!

I don't have quite a lot of time at the moment, but I wanted to stop by quickly and give you a review! The title kind of reminded me of Star Wars, so I was interested. The piece you've posted is really long, so I won't get too nitpicky as there are some clear errors you keep repeating and it'd be better to address them as a whole.

Before I begin, I apologize in advance if I say anything that you find callous or insensitive. I really do want to give you a thoughtful, well-rounded review rather than hurt your feelings. So please let me know if you have any problems with what I say!

We'll start with spelling and grammar. First of all, this piece is flanked with mistakes, from all sides. In terms of punctuation, you have this superfluous amount of ellipses! Sometimes it's okay to mark a pause with other forms of punctuation, like commas, periods, semicolons, etc. Other times it's just not necessary. Here's an example:
"Do you have to be such an ass..?"

Is the ellipsis really necessary? If you only had "Do you really have to be an ass?", would that diminish the impact of the dialogue? To be honest, it wouldn't. In fact, the ellipsis really only serves to draw my attention away from what the characters are saying, doing, or thinking and more towards how many little dots are scattered throughout this story. I recommend that you go through your story, take a good, hard look at every trio of periods and see if they're really vital to your story. Oh, and ellipsis are always three dots. Not two, not four, not twenty-six. Three. This is proper grammar.

I'm also not a fan of the grouping of different punctuation marks. I know that three (or four, or six) exclamation points are meant to show how loud or emphatic the statement is, but this is simply too easy. Build a situation around the dialogue! For instance--
"KAPER!!!!!!" I screamed.

This could just as easily be "'Kaper!' I screamed." If you want to be more emphatic, try another dialogue tag. 'I shrieked' or 'I screeched' certainly lend a different mood. Even something like, "'Kaper!' I gasped" gives a different mood. With gasp, this character is so surprised that she is speechless.

On that same note, different persons speaking means that a new paragraph begins. The entire story needs to be broken apart by speakers. Here's a section that you have written, and below is the way it should be done.

"Wanna play hide and go seek tag..?" He said smiling. I smiled back at him and gave him my kite. "Yep. And the person who has the kite is it!" I said smiling. He and I laughed a bit before I ran off. I heard him counting and then yelling, "Ready! Here I come!!" He yelled. I laughed and ran into the bushes. I saw the red kite fly as he runs. I giggle quietly as he comes closer. "I found you!!!" He said reaching his hand into the bush. I laugh and ran out of it before. I headed towards the street and looked back at him in the middle of the street. "Coming..?!?" I said smiling and laughing.

------------

"Wanna play hide and go seek tag?" he said, smiling.
I smiled back at him and gave him my kite. "Yep. And the person who has the kite is it!" I said, smiling.
He and I laughed a bit before I ran off. I heard him counting and then yelling, "Ready! Here I come!" he yelled. [By the way, you just said that he yelled. Twice.] I laughed and ran into the bushes. I saw the red kite fly as he ran. I giggled quietly as he came closer.
"I found you!" he said, reaching his hand into the bush.
I laughed and ran out of it before [before what, exactly? You have a sentence fragment here.] I headed towards the street and looked back at him in the middle of the street. "Coming?" I said, smiling and laughing.


This one section alone has a lot of stylistic problems. Dialogue tags should usually not be capitalized if they appear after the dialogue. Your tags themselves are very unvarying, a lot of "I said", "He said. The words smiling, laughing, and their variants are used too often in such a short part. Also, you change tense all of a sudden. (I marked these in red, in case you were wondering.) Why? It's best to keep to one tense, unless you're signaling a time change.

On the other hand, the dialogue itself sounds very natural. Like two young children having a grand time with each other. You certainly pinned down your characters, which is really hard to do, even harder than grammar rules. So nice work there, really. The characterization gets sketchier as the story goes on, however, and begins to read like haphazard fanfiction.

Numbers should typically be written out at least up to ten. My personal preference is up to a hundred, but the minimum is ten.

There is a great deal of homonym mix-up here as well. Where and were, which and witch, it's and its, course and coarse, you're and your, there and their. Those are some of the ones I noticed. I suggest looking up common homonyms and learning the difference between them.

And the spelling just falls apart at the end. Really. I can't comment much more on that, but it's really grating and distracting.

If grammar and spelling are not your emphasis, forgive me. But proper grammar and spelling are vital to a story, because they help your story flow. Readers don't want to stop and think, "Wait, did she confuse this word with a homonym?" They want to read your story and be invested in its content! So if you can, I recommend a writing program with a spelling and grammar-check, so you can at least get the basics ironed out. Sometimes there are tricky rules of grammar, and it's okay to miss those. Confusing 'where' with 'were', however, is not as easy to forgive.

If you'd like me to give specific feedback on the content, I certainly will! For the most part I thought it was intriguing, but hard to get into due to all the grammar/spelling/style issues.

So, right now, I think your biggest and most immediate issue would be your comprehension of English grammar and spelling. Again, I urge you to find a program with grammar/spell-check (there are some good ones online) and acquaint yourself with the basics. By overcoming a hurtle like this, it'll give you the opportunity to post around YWS and have other reviewers comment more on style, plot, and characterization than the slew of misspellings and unintentional sentence fragments, and we all know that those first points are what make a great story, and that's what we really want to share and improve upon. From what I read, I know that you can be a great storyteller, so don't let this discourage you from writing. Just persevere and work through your problems. I know I've got my own mountain of issues when it comes to writing, so you're not alone in this! We're all fighting to improve our work, right?

Best of luck with the story! Please contact me with any concerns or questions!
octocoffee
...if you are going to step on a live mine, make it your own. Be blown up, as it were, by your own delights and despairs. ~ Ray Bradbury
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Hello.

Octo was very thorough, so if I repeat anything forgive me.

First thing I noticed upon reading this was how many blocks of detail you have in here, info dumps of description, basically. These info dumps can be pretty hard to read through because people want to know what happened moving forward instead of a bunch of details. When you look at this story again, look at every bit of information you have in here and ask "is it important?" If it's not, then cut it. Be merciless in doing this, because too many details make the reader bored. Here is an article on the topic.

Also, the repetition of some words, such as "smiled" got grating after a bit. Try not to have the same word to describe something within a paragraph, spacing the same verbs, nouns, adverbs and adjectives out as far as possible. Look in a thesaurus for alternate words (being careful not to take words that are too obscure), or find another way to describe things completely.

The dialogue punctuation stuck out to me. You use periods when commas are really needed, in order to be proper. This article goes into more detail on the topic.

Overall, the concept really caught my attention, but the execution could be polished up a bit. Mostly in how you space out your description.

Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



If you are tired remember it's a sign that you haven't expired
— fatherfig