"Unfortunately... I love you" Chapter 1 (Draft #2)

This was the first story I posted on YWS when I joined, I actually joined for this story. After reading my reviews, I realized I wrote a lot of dialog and no descriptions. If you want to see the first draft of this story click here




I was eating a big chocolate ice cream, and feeling the water splashing from the white fountain of one of the most beautiful squares of my country, Puerto Rico. It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's when I knew the summer was about to start.
My mom's job was near that square.That morning she had told me we were going to buy my prom dress after school. I had finished my classes early, so I decided to wait for her. A pigeon sat next to me. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving away from it. Then a bunch of them came, and started flying all over me, I desperately shook my hands at them and jumped, so they would fly away. That made the ice cream fell into the fountain. Oops... I thought to myself.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Will somebody help me?!" I screamed. Then I saw a piece of bread flying over my head and thanks to law of gravity it touch the floor, that made the pigeons fly away.

There was a boy about my age standing behind me.

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being soliloquy is a talent.

"Can you tell me what you're laughing at? I asked, turning around and crossing my arms.

The boy opened his black eyes like an eagle.

"Wow! What a great recital," he said sarcastically, clapping his hands. "Have you ever thought about being a dancer?"

"What? What is your name?" I asked, looking at his “I'm with loser shirt”. The only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" he asked.

"Well, which name do you rather know? My first name or the last one?" I asked with a evil smile.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons," he said, returning that evil smile.

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied quickly.

This time Adam didn't know how to react, he just started at me with an it's not funny expression in his face.

"I would've preferred you to be Aladdin, the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go, because someone is waiting for me," I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said I thought about it.

Then, I turned around with my head up and I started walking away. He just stood there looking my way for a second.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!" he yelled.

I waved my hand showing him "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor guy... he tried so hard, it was the only thing that popped into his head".

Please, review! and if you liked it click ^Like^
Click here to read Chapter 2

Very cute! I enjoyed it. Please write more. I did catch one or two mistakes but they are not too bad

I'm very glad to review for you ^_^

I was eating a big chocolate ice cream, feeling

Since you only have two items her you may want to say "and feeling"

I like you're opening picture, a lot. Good imagery and intriguing enough to keep the reader interested.

Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there

It's a bit unclear as to why she thinks this, I assume because it is an animal but you could say that.

Would somebody help me?!" I screamed

Will not would

The brown hair boy started laughing about my spontaneous personality

How does she know what he is laughing at? I think its better to just say he was laughing or even laughing at her, or even what she was doing, but I don't think she should specifically know what it is about that that is making him laugh.

"Wow! What a great monologue," he said being sarcastic as he was clapping his hands. "Haven't you ever thought about being an actress?"

I like his playful comment however I don't understand what it is that was her monologue. Also you could say "He said sarcastically, clapping his hands" personally, I think that sounds better.

“I'm with loser shirt” the only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

"I'm with loser" shirt. Haha, I love how it's pointing to him.

"Well, which name do you rather know?" I asked with a evil smile.

I don't understand this sentance, what is she trying to say?

he just started at me with an it's not funny expression in his face.

Why does he have that expression?

Rather than having "unfortunatley" in bold, use italics.

I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said after I heard me.

I assume from this that she feels nervous, right? Somewhat.

I turned around with my head up

Contradicts this, it is unclear how she is feeling at this moment or what she thinks about him.

I really hope this helps! I'm happy to review for you. PM me with any questions

Very nicely done, Solv. I'm looking forward to chapter 1.1 .

ladypurple wrote:Very nicely done, Solv. I'm looking forward to chapter 1.1 .

THAAAAAAAAAAANKS!!

i loved it- it was cute and unique. Please keep on writing but do edit some parts that the writers above me mentioned.
Nike

"Could you tell me what you're laughing at? I asked, turning around as I was crossing my arms my arms.

You wrote "my arms" twice.

I really love it!

Here I am ready to review! First of all,I liked the story, and it definitely has potential to be a best-seller romance novel! Now onto the boring stuff (a.k.a. grammar and punctuation corrections and bla bla bla)

I was eating a big chocolate ice cream, and feeling the water splashing from the white fountain of one of the most beautiful squares of my country.

Nice beginning, Descriptive and all, but what country is it?

It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's when I knew the summer was about to start.

I LOVE this sentence! I love to decide when summer is coming with this kind of stuff too

My mom's job was near that square. In the morning she told me we where going to buy my prom dress after school. That day classes finish early, so I just waited for her.

Okay, this sentence is good, but I would write it "That morning she had told me we were going to buy my prom dress after school. I had finished my classes early so I decided to wait for her," That's how I would write it, but it's just a suggestion :)

In the mean time, a pigeon sat next to me. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving some inches away from it. Then a bunch of them came, and started flying all over me, I was desperately shaking my hands and jumping for them to fly away.

I think you can cut out "in the mean time," And then you could write "I desperately shook my hands at them and jumped so they would fly away," Once again, just a suggestion...But I do have a question...why the sudden pigeon rampage? :)

Then a boy about my age, stood behind me and the pigeons flew away. Why did they all of a sudden fly away?
"Thank you, God!" I screamed at the wind.

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality,How is this spontaneous? I suppose being soliloquy is a talent.

Lol

turning around as I was crossing my arms my arms.

How about " turning around and crossing my arms,"

The boy suddenly opened his black eyes like an eagle.

"Wow! What a great monologue," he said sarcastically clapping his hands. "Have you ever thought about being an actress?"

“I'm with loser shirt” the only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

I have to point this out because it kinda confused me, is this part really necessary? Do you have to mention what's on his shirt? If it is I apologize sincerely but I did want to point this out because I have a HUGE problem with just rambling on about stuff that is not really necessary in my stories

"Oh, that's okay. You probably should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons," he said, returning that evil smile.

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied fast. Quickly would be a better word than fast

Adam didn't know what to do at the time,

A better way of saying this would be "This time Adam didn't know how to react,"

"I would've preferred you to be Aladin, the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not.You could add " I said trying to make the situation less awkward,"And I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go, because someone is waiting for me," I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said after I thought about it

Then, I turned around with my head up and I started walking away. He just stood there looking my way for a second.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!" he yelled.

that kinda makes the guy sound like he's in 5th grade or something...I'm positive you can come up with something even better

I waved my hand showing him "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor him guy... he tried so hard, it was the only thing that popped into his head".

Sorry I'm not all that great at editing but I gave my best shot I hope you find this helpful and please keep writing this story! I'm anxious to see what happens next

Hello there

Sorry for the language but this was a "cute" start to a story. Very nicely written because I can already imagine all sorts of events to happen as the story continues, which is a good thing because you did a good job at building the anticipation for me (the reader). There were a few spelling errors in there but they are not very critical and the reviewers before me seem to have outlined them, so.
Good job, nicely done.
PS: don't keep us waiting too long

Hello there, Solva!

Here as requested.

Commmets and suggestions in RED.

I was eating a big chocolate ice cream, and feeling the water splashing from the white fountain of one of the most beautiful squares of my country. It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's when I knew the summer was about to start.

"of one of the most beautiful squares of my country." I'll prefer to use 'in my country' instead of 'of my country'.

I like how you portray your starting paragraphs, makes me imagine half of it. Though I think this is just me because in my opinion, it's not enough. It felt a bit tell-y at the moment, however, you used good imageries. So, I suggest that you describe more, more of her surroundings; the people around her, the scorching heat of the sun against her skin, etc. Okay?

My mom's job was near that square. (Sounds a bit awkward, rephrase it, perhaps?)In the morning, she told me (that) we where going to buy my prom dress after school. That day, classes finish ('finished' for past tense) early, (delete comma) so I just waited for her.

I don't know but it seems that you tend to rush this specific paragraph a bit. And my only nitpick here is your usage of words. It's too simple, add some better descriptions, remember, a thesaurus and a dictionary are your two best friends.

In the mean time, a pigeon sat next to me. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving some inches away from it.

"a pigeon sat next to me."

This line appears to lack of some informations. A pigeon sat next to her on a what? a wooden bench? a ledge?

I thought (of) moving some inches away from it.

I was desperately shaking my hands and jumping for them to fly away.

Confusion here: If she was shaking her hand then obviously, her ice cream that she's holding would spill, right?

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Will somebody help me?!" I screamed.

The red thing denotes that it feels like unrealistic. The girl didn't have to shout or something, you know. But it's just my comment so don't worry about it.


EDIT: So, you've edited some things? It's a good thing you're taking it into account some of your reviewer's suggestion.

The boy opened his black eyes like an eagle.

Show us how he looked like an eagle; the eyes, face, etc.

"Can you tell me what you're laughing at?" I asked, turning around and crossing my arms.

"Wow! What a great recital," he said sarcastically, clapping his hands. "Have you ever thought about being a dancer?"

The word "recital' feels a little bit lost here. try other words that can fit into the sentence.

"Well, which name do you rather know? My first name or the last one?" I asked with a evil smile.

Putting the words 'want to' between rather and know, will help decrease the awkwardness in this sentence.

I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said I thought about it.

This sentence feels like it doesn't make any sense. Though I understand what you're trying to say but still, confusion strikes me again.


First off, thanks for the request and forgive me for the quite delay of this.

So far, this is a good read. I find this piece short and cute. I can see some grammatical errors and and you tend to have some awkward and confusing sentences, but considering English isn't your first language, I think this is well-written.

I'm really happy that your taking the critique's suggestion into an account, so I really know that you want this story to be good. And congratulations for having NINE likes and being featured of this. Plus, I'm honored to be the tenth person to like this.

You sometimes do the tell-y thing, but I can really feel that you're struggling when it comes to that. So I understand because we're not all perfect and I admit too that I've been encountering that dilemma since I joined here in YWS. But I say, practice will really help you out on this. You see, YWS really helps a member to improve on their writing styles and literary skills, Solva.

But one thing when it comes to your characters. You need to introduce your main character very well, okay? Though leaving Adam with a mystery is good, but as with your MC, describe and tell us more about herself.
Hope I helped. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hello Sol!

Here as requested to review
It seems as though Yuri and various other people have gone through the little nit-picky grammar things with you and I'm not going to repeat them so I'll just got through character, plot etc. By the way, I liked this!

Character

As far as this goes you don't give us much information on Adam's character, but I think that adds to the mystery of who he is. Just don't forget to sprinkle this in at a later date You may want to vocalize Adam a bit more, he has just met this girl and she is a bit weird and random, wouldn't he have some reaction to that?
As far as your MC goes, we don't even know her name yet, you may want to add that in because otherwise people will just be calling her 'the girl'. He character though was pretty strong, I thought she was a bit ambiguous because she was so scared of the pigeons but apparently not scared of the stranger in front of her at all. I liked her little random outbursts, they were really well written

Plot

There's not really much to talk about here as this is only part of Chapter 1, but judging by the title this is going to turn into a rather cute relationship.
You may want to re-think your characters ages, the way I see it, they are young now and if they begin to have a relationship they seem to young for it to be serious. (Unless of course you were going to skip ahead a few years and then have them in love) I think they need to be older if you are going to make them fall in love as they are at the moment, or make their actions seem a little older. Just a suggestion. Other than that though I am pretty interested to see where this will lead. I want to know why it's unfortunate that he loves her! PM me when you write 1.1

Yeah, so I think that's all I have to say, except that I am going to *like* this!
I hope I helped, there wasn't much to say really, it was really cute!

Speak to you soon,
~Lydia

Solv, just so you know I loved this. And, like you asked, I am reviewing it for you! I'll just highlight in red what I think shouldn't be there and in blue what I think should.

Solvalery wrote:This was the first story I posted on YWS when I joined, I actually joined for this story. After reading my reviews, I realized I wrote a lot of dialog and no descriptions. If you want to see the first draft of this story click here

Unfortunately... I love you

If you like it click ^like^.
I was eating a big chocolate ice cream, and feeling the water splashing from the white fountain of one of the most beautiful squares of my country. It was so hot outside that the ice cream was melting, running through my fingers, making my hands sticky. That's when I knew the summer was about to start.
My mom's job was near that square. In the morning she told me we where going to buy my prom dress after school. That day classes finish early, so I just waited for her. In the mean time, a pigeon sat next to me. Okay, as long as you're far away, you can stay there. I thought moving some inches [Inching?] away from it. Then a bunch of them came, and started flying all over me; I was desperately shaking my hands and jumping for them to fly away.

"Get out of here! Who do you think you are?! Will somebody help me?!" I screamed.

Then a boy about my age, stood behind me and the pigeons flew away.
"Thank you, God!" I screamed at the wind.

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality. I suppose being soliloquy is a talent.

"Could you tell me what you're laughing at? I asked, turning around as I was crossing my arms my arms.

The boy opened his black eyes like an eagle.

"Wow! What a great monologue," he said sarcastically, clapping his hands. "Haven't you ever thought about being an actress?"

"What? What is your name?" I asked, looking at his “I'm with loser shirt”.The only thing strange about that shirt was the arrow that was pointing to his face.

"My name is Adam Velazquez. What's your name?" he asked.

"Well, which name do you rather know? My first name or the last one?" I asked with a evil smile.

"Oh, that's okay. You should not give so much information to a stranger like me, but remember... I saved you from the pigeons," he said, returning that evil smile.

"No, Adam. You're not a stranger... YOU ARE MY FAIRY GODMOTHER and you're here to save my life!" I replied fast.

Adam didn't know what to do at the time, he just started at me with an it's not funny expression in his face.

"I would've preferred you to be Aladin, the Lamp Wizard, but unfortunately you are not. I'm really sorry for leaving you here all alone, but I have to go, because someone is waiting for me," I felt like my brain was running faster than ever, so fast that I realized what I said after I heard me [You realized what you said after you heard you?].

Then, I turned around with my head up and I started walking away. He just stood there looking my way for a second.

"Well, you know what? My dad is waiting for me too!" he yelled.

I waved my hand showing him "I'm not listening", and then I thought "Poor him... he tried so hard, it was the only thing that popped into his head".

Please, review! and if you liked it click ^Like^
Chapter 1.1 is coming up!

I loved this. Cute! The girl is sorta strange, but I shouldn't talk and frankly, neither should anyone on this site. Most people, anyway. Bye! Luff ya!

Hey, I really like this. It looks like it could turn into an interesting story. The main character is interesting, almost slightly odd, but in a good way because it makes us want to know more.

However I wasn't sure about this:

The brown hair boy started laughing at my spontaneous personality, I suppose being soliloquy is a talent.

It's the being soliloquy that doesn't quite work.

Can't wait for some more!

Txx

That was awesome! It was unique, and cute. My only worry is that it doesn't seem like it will be intense, because the best compnent to a romantic novel is intensity. But overall I loved it. Can't wait for Chapter 1.1.

It was nice. I liked the boy , yet the main character seemed somewhat odd. That could turn out to be a good thing though.
I think its a good scene for the start of a romance novel.