The Date

It was Friday night about ten minutes to eight. I just finished putting on my black eyeliner so I decided to look in the mirror to see how I looked. I was wearing a black and white dress (which I just got at Hot Topic) and black heels that cover my whole feet. If you’re wondering why I’m dress like this it’s because I’m going on a date. His name is Holden, he goes to Pencey Prep and it’s our first date.

I met him when I went to one of their football games. My friends and I were watching the game on the bleachers when I noticed this boy on the other side staring at me and I just smiled back to him. Then he came over and started talking to me.

“Hello there I’m Holden Caulfield” he said while sticking his hand out.

“Hiya I’m Maria Newberry, nice to meet you” I said while shaking his hand.

We talked through the whole game. I didn’t even know who won. So when we were about to leave, we gave each other our numbers. We talked on the phone for about four weeks now. So tonight we’re going out for the very first time. I’m so excited.

I checked my watch on my wrist and it was five minutes to eight. Holden should be here any minute. He told me; he wanted the date to be perfect so he is came to got me. I didn’t even know he could drive. So I went downstairs and grabbed my purse. I made sure I had everything: lip gloss, extra money, and cell phone.

It was 8:10 when there was a knock on my door. When I opened the door Holden was standing there with a smile on his face and he was wearing a white button down shirt with the first three buttons unbuttoned, a black tie, blue jeans and Converse sneakers. All I could do was smile back at him.

“Hello beautiful, ready to go?” he asked

“Yes I’m ready to go, where’s your car?”

He laughed a little and said “I can’t drive Maria, we’re taking a cab”.

So we got in to the cab and Holden told the driver to take us somewhere downtown. While we’re in the cab Holden wraps his arm around my waist and tells me that I look beautiful. I thanked him and smiled. About 16 minutes later, we are downtown in front of some night club I have never seen before. Holden paid the cab driver, got out the car to open my car door and help me out the cab.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been here before” I said while I looked at him.

“Well I guess I picked the right place for our date” he said as he smiled.

He took my hand and led me inside. We sat in the back corner where nobody really bothers us. When the waitress asks what we wanted, I noticed she keep smiling and looking at Holden. I kind of got annoyed about that but the whole time Holden didn’t take his eyes off me. He ordered a scotch and coke and I just ordered a coke. We told her we didn’t want anything to eat yet. When she left, I started questioning him.

“OK one, aren’t you like 17 and second, that waitress was totally checking you out”

He laughed a little and said “yes I’m 16 but I look older because of my gray hair”. When he said that, he was pointing to his gray hair that I never noticed.

“Oh, OK”

“Also, I didn’t see her checking me out because I was looking at your beauty the whole time”.

All I did was just smile and blush. While we were there we just talked about school, our friends and family. When our drinks came, we drank them fast and danced in the middle on the club for a while. When we sat back down and order a medium pizza for us.

“Want any toppings?” asked the waitress still looking at Holden

“Bacon and grilled chicken” we said simultaneous and smiling at each other.

The waitress just rolled her eyes and walked away. When she returned with our pizza, she didn’t say anything. So we just enjoyed our pizza together alone. After we finished our pizza, we paid and left the club. While we stood outside, Holden started smoking a cigarette. I didn’t know he smoked. He offered me one but I just said no thanks, I don’t smoke. Then it started raining a whole lot. We both ran under a part of the roof sticking out. We also got kind of wet. We started laughing at each other but then we looked into each other’s eyes. Next thing I knew Holden was kissing my lips in the rain. His hands where on my sides and I wrapped on arms around his neck.

After we kissed for about 10 minutes, we got a cab and headed back to my place. When we got to my house, Holden walked me up to the door.

“I had a great time with you Maria; I hope we do this again”

“Same here Holden; I think this will happen again” I said while I smiled.

He kissed my lips goodnight. Then he went back to the cab and waved goodbye. I waved back to him and went inside my house.

“Best date ever” I said to myself, smiling.

Hi, winter. KD here to review!

This was cute. I had fun reading this. But, this needs some work.


The Pacing

First I'll go over the speed of this story. The MC's and Holden's relationship seems a little bit rushed...at least from the info you gave us (the reader). So, Maria and Holden just met at a football game. Now they're going on their first date. And they kiss. Does Maria know Holden better than just as some guy from a football game? If she does, make sure the reader knows that. 'Cause if the reader doesn't, than the kiss during the first date may seem a little bit unrealistic.



Word Choice

First:

winterbaby wrote:I was wearing a black and white dress (which I just got at Hot Topic) and black heels that cover my whole feet.

This isn't generally a problem, but, when you use the brand 'Hot Topic', you're basically dating your piece, which is what I just learned. This isn't good, especially if you were to publish something like this; then, your work would appeal to many less generations, for example, generations in the future who won't have Hot Topic.

Second:

winterbaby wrote:After we made out for about 10 minutes,

The word 'made out' is a bad word to generally use when describing a scene. 1. Because it sounds very juvenile. 2. Because it's vague; there's also no real definition for the word, so the reader won't always know what you mean.

(Psst...you might want to change the age rating for this because of this little part and the alcohol and cigarette use(?). I dunno about the last two. Just to be safe, rate this piece at least 12+.)



Nitpicky Stuff



1. Make sure you always put some punctuation at the end of sentences in dialog, and make sure you always capitalize at every beginning of a sentence. Example:

winterbaby wrote:“Oh, OK.”

I inserted a period in the right place for ya. And, I also inserted a comma, since your sentence sounds better with a pause! Haha.


2. Watch your tenses! Yep, they're pretty troublesome, I know.

winterbaby wrote:I makede sure I haved everything: lip gloss, extra money, and cell phone.

3. Make sure you proof-read. You have lots of seemingly sloppy mistakes in here. Here's some.

winterbaby wrote:“Hiya I’m Maria Newberry, nice to meet you” I said while shacking his hand.

'Shacking'? What's that?

winterbaby wrote:I check my watch on my wrist and its five minutes to eight.

Put in an apostrophe in your 'its'!

winterbaby wrote:Then goes back to the cab and waves goodbye.

This is a fragment of a sentence, not a complete sentence.



Hope I helped! Keep on writing-

KD

Hiya! :]
Really nice read! Super cute :]

Reccomendations.....
-I'd say you could describe things a bit more, for example the physical things the main character feels (possibly shaky hands or butterflies?) when she first sees Holden or meets him, also describe the environment she's in, describe the football game, the club (is it a club?), the cab etc.
-Proof read everything. Make sure every sentence is there for a reason and that each one helps in describing/telling the story. Plus the whole tense thing, just watch out for that

But great overall! Keep it up
Pepper60. x

hi! I agree with KD 100%. You do have many errors and your pace is way too fast-sometimes I was completely confused! Some words were spelled wrong and didn’t even belong where they were. You should read over your story and edit. This is nice but it’s a work in progress. You switched tenses a lot which is BAD. This story is GREAT but edit please.

Hello winterbaby!
When I started reading this, when I saw Holden Caulfield, I immediately knew he was from a book. I believe it's Catcher In The Rye? I'm not sure, I've never read the book before, but I know that was his name.
Since I've never read the book, I can't really criticize on how well the character's held up to their personalities. That is, if you were attempting to make this like the book. If you weren't, then I would choose a different name for the MC.

Anyways, it was a good read but the rest of the commenters were right, your pace was too fast. Slow down a little and describe what's happening! It's all about detail, let the reader picture everything! If they can't picture what is going on clearly, some people are turned off by a piece of writing.

I hope I helped!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hey, winterbaby.

Sorry if I'm harsh, but Catcher in the Rye is one of my favorite books, and I had to study it very closely during English last year. I'm not positive that you're trying to base this off of the book, however, and if you're in fact not trying to do so, please feel free to ignore some of the following comments.

That said, I didn't really feel like you captured Holden's voice. You've incorporated several parts of the novel into your story, such as Pencey Prep and Holden's gray hair. But to me, your Holden did not speak like the Holden Caulfield I've grown to love.

Secondly, I'm not sure if you're trying to create a modern Holden, but if you weren't, I'm pretty sure 'Hot Topic' did not exist in 1945, which is when Catcher in the Rye was published.

Finally, you're missing a couple of commas. Be sure to go over your sentences very closely as your editing this.

It has a lot of potential, but your story needs some work.

Feel free to PM me for questions/comments!

~bLu

I edited my story. Hopefully it sounds better. This story was an assignment for school. We read the book the The Catcher in the Rye and i had to write a short about Holden and I going on a fake date. It didn't have to be like that book at all. I am a fan of the book. So I apologize if my short story offended anyone.