Fantasy

Okay, wrote this up as a kind of nod to the fact that I have a thing for a fictional character. No, it's not Edward 'The Stalker' Cullen. Anyway, emo-pop-rock style.

{piano/acoustic guitar for Verse 1; as ends, e. guitar riff begins}
Verse 1
If only you were real,
I know it wouldn’t be the same,
But I want you,
Whoah-oh,
Next month is my birthday,
All I want is you,
Wrapped with white ribbon.

Verse 2
I think about all the things,
‘bout you I don’t like,
(Murder, that’s one.)
But it’s hopeless,
I just keep falling,
For your blue eyes,
For that soft smile,
Even for all the lies.

Chorus
I can always give up,
But where would I be then?
I make believe to keep me sane,
So where does that leave me?
You keep doing this kind of thing,
I’m flying on CGI wings,
When I see your face,
Hear your voice,
Wish I could reach out,
Wish I could reach in,
Wish it all were real,
But it’s just my crazy little fantasy.

Verse 3
Last week I wrote a letter to you,
Turned on my computer and typed it through,
Watching you, recording you,
Imprinting you in my brain.
After all, it’s not like I’m ever,
Going to find someone else,
(Who’d go for a girl like me?)
I think I scare the living hell,
Out of everybody,
But you don’t care,
You don’t even know me,
And now I’m choking,
Crying away,
Black thorns piercing my heart,
You did this,
I know that it’s true.

Verse 4
When I can’t get to sleep,
Sometimes I hear your voice,
A kind of baritone, medium-deep,
I can fall down the abyss,
My REM showing me all these things,
Where we’re together,
I take in the smell of sweat, blood, and grease,
My fingers go through your dark hair,
Why, brain, why do you tease,
Why’re you siding with me,
I thought you were smart.

Chorus
I should just give up,
But where would I be then?
I make believe to keep me sane,
So where does that leave me?
You keep doing this kind of thing,
I’m flying on CGI wings,
When I see your face,
Hear your voice,
Wish I could reach out,
Wish I could reach in,
Wish it all were real,
But it’s just my crazy little fantasy.

Verse 5
I’m alive,
I’m alone,
Piecing your life together,
I excuse you,
I wish I were you,
Maybe, maybe,
But it’ll never come to pass,
I dream about you,
All it does,
Is keep me wanting more,
Of something I’ll never have.

[guitar solo]

{e. guitar stops; piano back again, before giving rise to e. guitar at end of Bridge}
Bridge
If only you were real,
I know it wouldn’t be the same,
Next month is my birthday,
All I want is you,
Wrapped with white ribbon.

Chorus
I can always give up,
But where would I be then?
I make-believe to keep me sane,
So where does that leave me?
You keep doing this kind of thing,
I’m flying on CGI wings,
When I see your face,
Hear your voice,
Wish I could reach out,
Wish I could reach in,
Wish it all were real,
I wish I could give up,
But I know I’d let go then.

Chorus 2
I make-believe to keep me sane,
Think I’m not all,
All alone, yeah,
You keep doing this kind of thing,
I’m flying on CGI wings,
When I see your face,
Hear your voice,
Wish I could reach out,
Wish I could reach in,
Wish it were all real,
I know it’s my crazy little fantasy,
(Fantasy, fantasy.)
Whoah-yeah,
Wish you could know me,
Wish you could love me,
But it’s just my crazy little fantasy.

Hola! So I just have a quick things to say. Firstly, I like how you gave the genre of this song and also how you demonstrated how you opened the song with the piano and in the middle with the lead-in to the last choruses. It helped to understand how it sounds and not just read it like one long poem. By the way I can definitely hear this as a emo-rock song with some pop beats. I think the lyrics fit well. Cool job!

Secondly, I think because the line of your verse 4 are so short they might be almost better off as the bridge of the song (where the music changes kind of, building up to the final intense chorus/es). I think it would work as they are pretty heavy lines leading into the piano and then the guitars in the final chorus.

Heya Hero

I know nothing about lyrics, so don't take my review too seriously. This review will be more of a 'in my opinion' kind of thing.

If only you were real .

I know it wouldn’t be the same,

but I want you.

Whoah-oh! Exclamation mark seemed suited here.

Next month is my birthday,

all I want is you, You don't need the comma here.

wrapped with white ribbon.

To be honest, the grammar in lyrics doesn't really matter. The fact that lyrics are for songs means that the grammar isn't really important. I did correct the grammatical errors though, 'cause I'm cool like that. My only issue with this opening stanza is the fact that it seems a bit on the cliché side to me. I'm okay with that though, to be honest.

I think about all the things,

‘bout you I don’t like.

(Murder, that’s one.)

But it’s hopeless,

I just keep falling, You don't need this comma.

for your blue eyes,

for that soft smile.

Even for all the lies.

I can always give up,

but where would I be then?

I make believe to keep me sane,

so where does that leave me?

You keep doing this kind of thing.

I’m flying on CGI wings, Don't need this comma.

when I see your face,

hear your voice.

Wish I could reach out,

wish I could reach in,

wish it all were real.

But it’s just my crazy little fantasy.

Last week I wrote a letter to you,

Turned on my computer and typed it through.

Watching you, recording you,

imprinting you in my brain.

After all, it’s not like I’m ever, No need for this comma.

Going to find someone else,

(Who’d go for a girl like me?)

I think I scare the living hell, Or this comma.

out of everybody.

But you don’t care,

you don’t even know me.

And now I’m choking,

crying away,

Black thorns piercing my heart. I liked this line.

You did this,

I know that it’s true.

I should just give up,

but where would I be then?

I make believe to keep me sane,

so where does that leave me?

You keep doing this kind of thing.

I’m flying on CGI wings, This comma isn't needed.

when I see your face,

hear your voice.

Wish I could reach out,

wish I could reach in,

wish it all were real.

But it’s just my crazy little fantasy.

I’m alive,

I’m alone,

piecing your life together.

I excuse you,

I wish I were you.

Maybe, maybe,

but it’ll never come to pass.

I dream about you.

All it does, You don't need this comma.

is keep me wanting more, Or this comma.

of something I’ll never have.

If only you were real.

I know it wouldn’t be the same.

Next month is my birthday,

all I want is you, Don't need this comma either.

wrapped with white ribbon.

I can always give up,

but where would I be then?

I make-believe to keep me sane,

so where does that leave me?

You keep doing this kind of thing.

I’m flying on CGI wings, No need for this comma.

when I see your face,

hear your voice.

Wish I could reach out,

wish I could reach in,

wish it all were real.

I wish I could give up,

but I know I’d let go then.

I make-believe to keep me sane.

Think I’m not all,

all alone, yeah.

You keep doing this kind of thing.

I’m flying on CGI wings, You don't need this comma.

When I see your face,

hear your voice.

Wish I could reach out,

wish I could reach in,

wish it were all real.

I know it’s my crazy little fantasy,

(Fantasy, fantasy.)

whoah-yeah.

Wish you could know me,

wish you could love me.

But it’s just my crazy little fantasy.

Overall

To be honest, the previous nit-picks were suggestions really. Like I said before, the grammar in lyrics isn't as important as the grammar in something like a story or a poem. If you want people to understand what you're saying without actually hearing the song though, you should make sure that your grammar is correct. Now, overall, I thought that this was pretty good. Like thehobbitgangster said, I can definitely imagine this as a song, a very catchy one too. What I like best about these lyrics is the idea behind the song. Quite often, I wish that some of the characters I read in books were actually real. The idea of these lyrics weren't cliché at all, even though I felt that the beginning of these lyrics were a bit cliché. Mainly because of the whole 'have you for my birthday; kind of thing. When it comes to your spelling, I didn't find one misspelled word. Well done for that.

My critique for this is the fact that you don't really create any imagery in this at all. When it comes to lyrics, imagery isn't as important. Especially when you compare it to a poem or a story. I would, however, like to see a bit more imagery in this. The main reason for this is because throughout these lyrics, you're kind of describing the same thing. I'd like for you to vary the lyrics a bit. I highlighted an area in blue that I especially liked. The reason I highlighted that area was because you included something a bit more descriptive there. By creating imagery, it's easier to keep the reader/listener's attention. It's also good because it simply varies the lyrics a bit and makes them more interesting. When I say that I want you to create some more imagery in this, I don't mean that you have to include ten metaphors in each verse. If you want, you could just include the five senses a bit more often. You're telling us how you're feeling, that's good. You're writing about a fictional character, right? What does he look like? Can you imagine what he smells like? What does his voice sound like? There are loads of things that you could write about.

I don't really have anything else to say... I know nothing about lyrics... All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. After you've done that, you should edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could certainly have some very nice lyrics here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Thanks for the reviews, both of you! However, have added in verse to try and describe subject in question, but I'm not sure about it. The italicized is newly-added, so, if anyone could give their input on the new lyrics, whether it adds or detracts any romantic stuff, and so on.