i see the teachers lips moving, but all i hear is tapping on the table, and short, strong gasps that turn into loud laughs from the loser jocks in the back of the class. i close my eyes— not bothering to look at the clock because the bell just rang for class to start. I slowly rest my head in my left hand as I exhale the annoyances, and attempt to erase my desk with the eraser in my right hand. as the class grows louder, my emotions grow stronger— shaking the ceiling as my body calls for me to “breathe!” but i refuse to take the breath i need. if i do, i’ll scream. i just want to get out of here. away from the morning bell that causes students to slam locker doors— as if it’s a contest to see who can be the loudest. i wouldn’t mind skipping out on the kids who feel the need to walk in large groups in the middle of the hall at snail speed, and then stop right in front of the particular class you get sent to the office for if you’re late. … i hate feeling locked in a cage with rats who couldn’t recognize cheese if the walls were made out of them. every gesture in this place goes misunderstood. every pleasure is crushed under the lover’s foot. home is just a place for my mother to unleash her slurred words, with little passion. my father’s favorite action is to go, causing my brother’s disatisfaction to grow… what i truly hate is that my movie has no script! no lips will ever be kissed, and every man is short fused and only knows itchy fists…
The first thing that struck me when I read this was the format. This doesn't look much like a poem; this might be the wrong place for you to put it. If it is a poem, then you really need to work on the way it's structured, so that it has more visual appeal. For a reader looking for poetry, a block of unbroken text like you have here is going to be a bit off-putting.
Now, since this is in the poetry forum, I'm going to review as if it is one.
The biggest problem is grammar. An I should always be capitalised, whatever form of literature it's in, unless it's been put there deliberately to serve a literary purpose, such as to over-emphasise the insignificance a character might feel about himself. You also need to use apostrophes and so on. Running this passage through a word processor will get rid of most of these problems, and if you don't have a grammar and spelling check on your processor, YWS has a spellcheck option on the top right-hand corner of the text box as you write your post, which will not identify everything but will help. And without grammar, whatever you write, whether it's amateur or professional, loses half its value, because many readers, especially the more intellectually inclined, will not find it easy to read something with so many mistakes. Bad grammar is dangerous for a writer, because it makes you appear less intelligent than you are, and you lose interest which might otherwise have come.
The other thing is the lack of flow. Poetry is the thousand words a picture speaks. What you're doing is describing that picture, rather than just showing it to me. You need this to flow more - it's broken up not only by the grammar, but by your wording. Rephrasing the sentences will really help you here - split them apart, work it out sentence by sentence. You don't even need to use sentences in poetry, just pick a few choice phrases which best express what you want your reader to feel.
Well, I hope I helped, and if there's anything more you need from me, please drop me a PM and I'll be glad to help you out. ~Grin
"Ruth. She's alive because she is not dead, and junk." ~JoJo
I agree, this is a rather scrambled, hard-to-read, and most of all different poem. It looks more like an essay than a poem, which hampers the way a reader looks at it. And come to think of it, this isn't really a poem at all. It's just describing the senses of a classroom, which does not belong in the poetry forums...I suggest you go back and re-edit it a little.
~Sarah~
you are the one the one that lies close to me
whispers "Hello"
I miss you quite terribly.....
--Here in your arms
