The Wise Words Of Johnny C

I thought it was your sense of humour, you made me laugh.
I thought it was your body, it wasn't that.
Maybe it was your voice? Johnny C said it irritated him.
I assumed it was your dumbness as you are quite stupid.
It gave me a sense of power to know I was better at English.

I dreamed of screwing you, except in my dream you had no face,
just some black emptiness where your eyes would have been.
Was it really you? I felt humiliated to feel so much for someone so stupid.
You wore PT's, you liked Deadmaus, you were friends with HIM, the guy who bullied me or five years.
The list could go on.

In the end it came down to this.
Johnny C of all people, who has never kissed a girl (or a boy) in his life, I found him quite annoying.

It was a hot day and we were walking home from school. I looked across the street at the park and saw couples there, laying on the grass, a lazy day in June.
I watched envious, slightly irritated at Johnny C's babbling about his Miley Cyrus obsession.

I was talking on and on about you (obviously)
about how I didn't get why you never liked me.

Then Johnny C spoke some wise words.

Which made me come to the shocking conclusion!
I am not or ever was, in love with you.
The idea!

I was in love with the possibility.
Obbsessed with the idea.

You were attractive, but what you stood for meant so so much more!

The couples in the park lay chatting.
About shit that never even mattered.

I thought this was real,it felt very realistic like something that would happen in real life. though you did make one mistake when you mean to write for you wrote or. Also how would Johnny C know that the person was just in love with the idea of the guy instead of in love if he had no personal experience with it himself. Good start! Keep writing!

Hello Bulletproof. I will be reviewing you today, so if blunt and brutal honesty is not your cup of tea, or if you're attached to this poem, I suggest you not read my review because I will be quite blunt and brutal in my honesty.

This sucked.

First off, you have punctuation mistakes all throughout this -- in the first line, even. Poetry follows the same rules of grammar as regular writing, and not following the rules without good and obvious reason makes you look incompetent as a writer. Having a grammatical mistake in the first line in particular gives off a very bad impression to your reader as well, and first impressions are extremely important in writing. It's what determines whether or not your reader will continue reading, after all.

There are a number of good articles about punctuation that you can find in the Knowledge Base, located under the Resources tab of the menu.

Secondly, your language was not at all poetic. In fact, it wasn't even good for prose. "I assumed it was your dumbness as you are quite stupid." Really? This line is just so bad, I was torn between laughing and crying from the headache. It is redundant and just badly worded. Everything in this poem is too literal or simplistic. There is no description to ground the readers, nor is there a clear focus to the poem. Instead, there is rambling and redundancy, and I was left wondering what the significance and relevance of it all was. Not good.

So, what can you do to make this better?

Firstly, proofread. Make sure your grammar is perfect or as near perfect as you can make it. Weed out all those spelling mistakes, and, if in doubt, refer to a dictionary. Dictionaries are such useful things when writing and contain a lot of information on words beyond just the definition and pronunciation.

Secondly, incorporate more imagery. Imagery is essentially the description of the poem. It is what gives your readers a clear picture of what is going on and allows them to relate more easily to your poem. It also makes your poem more memorable. The advice "show; don't tell" applies to poetry just as much as, or even more than, prose. Give us a clear picture of what is going on. Get creative with your descriptions, and make sure they are specific and easily visualized. At the least, it will make your poem more interesting to read. At best, it will make your poem unforgettable in the good way.

Thirdly, focus. What is the main point of the poem? How do all the details tie into it? Make these connections clear. I find that outlining the main ideas in my own poems and drawing connections between them helps keep all the ideas focused. Remember that your readers aren't telepathic, and so you need to lead them on through your writing. Connecting your ideas and showing the relationships between them in a logical fashion is a good way to do so.

Lastly, don't give up. If writing is something you love, then pursue it. After all, you can only get better with more practice. :D

If you have any questions/comments/disagreements, feel free to PM me.