The Remedy

Geeeeeeeeez,
you make me whacked up,
so jacked up.
I'm pop rocks,
a sizzling dance for you,
a dizzying exposure.
Can't control myself,
just gonna help myself
on you.

You're like my candy-coated toxin.
And I'm so lost in
everything that you do...
You make me under the influence.
Just need the reassurance,
that I've got the insurance
to cover you.

My sweet and sour stimulant,
no need for ambivalence.
If I got the push,
and you've got the pull.
You're the remedy
that makes me so full.

I just realised but that could make a really awesome song. I was actually singing to a tune when I was saying this aloud (since I'm bad at poetry, I have to read out loud to see a fault). My name is Cirque by the way, Cirque fancyson. Okay no I am not, but you get the point anyway.

Just to warn you, my review may be very very bad because I haven't the faintest idea about poetry. Bad pointers, first. What I didn't like was how it seem to all mimick the last sentence. I cannot really explain it, but when I was reading through it, I couldn't help but think that it was all a cliche version of the last sentence. I don't know how to fix that and it may be my own dumb thoughts, but I am just giving my advice.

eg.

Geeeeeeeeez,
you make me whacked up,
so jacked up.

And then-

I'm pop rocks,
a sizzling dance for you,
a dizzying exposure.

They're like identical sentences, which really makes it boring and plunges the meaning you are trying to get across.

Now for the good parts. I like you vocabulary. That was truly ace. Everything you said was different, through word wise and as I said before could make a killer song. I WANT YOU TO MAKE IT A SONG! The meaning was pretty cool to, and I'm seriously saying, I couldn't help but sway to it. Great job.

Hey there!

I think the ultimate problem with this poem is that you're writing it to someone. You talk about this "you" but as the reader, I have no idea who that is. So I can't relate to any of these emotions; I'm outside of the subject. I don't know what the purpose is. This poem is more for the "you" than it is for the reader. I believe that poems should be for the reader. You want to make the reader feel, think, react to what you're writing. It's more important than anything else.

However, with that said, I agree with the previous reviewer that this could be an amazing song. So perhaps you should consider this as lyrics instead of a poem. It just doesn't have that certain quality that a poem needs. You have great imagery, but unless you rewrite it so you bring the reader into the subject with you and affect them in some way, it's not going to be poem-y enough. I know that sounds silly, lol, but I know what I'm talking about. At least I think so.

I really did love your language though.

I'm pop rocks,
a sizzling dance for you,
a dizzying exposure.

It's so vivid and sweet - like pop rocks! Great metaphor.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me!

Hey Hibiscus,

As Suzanne says, it's often a bad idea to write a poem exclusively at somebody, because the reader finds it more difficult to engage with. Furthermore, these sort of poems are all the same, describing how they make you feel. It's perhaps one of the most unoriginal poetry ideas. "I'm so lost in everything that you do" and "You're the remedy" are things I've heard lots of times before. This kind of work is fine as a poem perhaps to give to somebody, it's nice, it's from the heart: but it's not something I can really critique.

I disagree with the previous posts, but I'm no poetry buff so what do I know?

I'm going to say it anyway. I loved it. It flowed like a song and it made perfect sense to me. Second person was definitely the best choice because it's more personal that way. I wouldn't change anything.

I'm going to like this.