Paid To Die

Hey guys! I felt like taking a break on political stuff and instead trying my spin on the whole angels and demons thing I probebly won't continue any further with this but please comment! I hope you enjoy!

Blood dripped from my fingers and the stench of flesh filled the air. I held a knife above my head and plunged it into yet another innocent mortal's body. The man cried out in pain with the plead for his daughter's life lingering in the air. I felt no mercy, I felt no guilt, I was a demon created by the scum that wanted angel's blood. I had no feelings and I had no thoughts, only the intense longing for blood.This was all I knew, all I had ever known. The constant killing and raiding of camps only to find that it was all for nothing. Just the hope of finding an angel was enough to drive our master mad. Another body fell to my blade and I turned to find a girl staring at me with intense green eyes. She held her hands out to me. I wasted no time in clumsily swinging my blade towards her. I didn't even notice that she had already been cut. Blood dripped from her wrists. But her blood was different from the rest, it was glowing and it was less thick then the other's. I stopped, this was the angel I was looking for. I growled out the regular greeting and warning, "We have been looking for you, I am Drake and you will come with me lest more innocent blood is shed at your expense."

The girl calmly stepped forward and spoke gently her words like a calm flowing river, "I will come but you must drink this first." She held out her wrists to me and gestured to her blood.

A strange yet driving crave filled me for her blood, she knew I wanted it. I took a step forward then stopped. I had been told to never drink an angel's blood because of it's untold power. If any male demon were to drink of it's blood horrible things were to happen. I growled low in my throat and drool dripped out of the sides of my mouth. It was very tempting to take her wrist and drink maybe even "accidentally" scooping up some flesh along with it.

Her eyes beckoned me closer. I fought my ravenging hunger and slipped a rope around the girl's hands. She winced as I tightend it around her wounds to make her pay for tempting me. I watched her close her eyes and whisper something. A breeze rustled the leaves on the trees in the forest around us. It was dark but yet the girl was faintly glowing. Her long blond hair danced in the wind. I felt a sharp pain in me as I watched her. I stopped I had never experienced a feeling before and it hurt. It hurt to see the one thing I couldn't have. Desire filled me and it wasn't just for her blood...

Hello, my name is Cirque and I'm going to be your reviewer for today. I guess I'm pretty experienced now with reviewing, but if I muck up in any way don't be afriad to say so.

"I will come but you must drink this first." she held out her wrists to me and gestured to her blood.

Ha,ha! I thought I wasn't going to find any mistakes. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

I can truly say this was one of the best things I have ever read! Short, yes. But great, one hundred percent! I didn't find any probelms with the explanation but what I have already pointed out about the speech...truly a good read. Keep wiritng, I'm definietly going to read more.

Hey, servant4christ!

Blood dripped from my fingers and the stench of flesh filled the air.

This is a really interesting first line. It got me hooked--however, in the following paragraph, you need to sure it doesn't lose any impact through repetition. You use the words "flesh" and "blood" many, many times throughout the piece, and that repetition weakens your first line. It's hard to find syllables for those words, so if you can't, try a little more creative approach.

I felt no mercy, I felt no guilt, I was a demon created by the scum that wanted angel's blood. I had no feelings and I had no thoughts, only the intense longing for blood.

This is a cool idea for a character. Sociopathic! Sounds hard to do. But I think there are a few things you could do to make this more interesting. One, try to explain his condition in a way that we haven't heard before. The way it's written right now, it sounds like a lot of vampire-warrior-dude-movies that I've seen before--that we've all seen before. If you tweak it, it will be a lot more interesting and you'll get props from your readers for describing a familiar situation in a way they're not familiar with.

You could probably fix problem number one by fixing problem number two. If he feels no mercy or guilt, how does he know what those things are? You can't understand how to describe something that you've never experienced (this is obviously different for writers, but this guy isn't a writer, he's a demon). Also, if he has no thoughts, how is he a first-person narrator? How could you have him describe himself without mentioning the emotions he lacks? This could be a very interesting experiment. It'll probably take some thought, but I have no doubt you could come up with something really awesome to get around your first-person conundrum.


Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else.

I'm loving this - really gritty, just the kind of genre I love to read. I'm really excited to read more!

*coco

Thanks to all who have commented! I will take your advice and I REALLY appreciate the compliments! Thanks for making my first attempt at writing a story in two months very encouraging!

Oh my gosh this is cool! I didn't know you had it in you, Steph, to write something this...this evil and gruesome. Why didn't you tell me you had written something else? You usually tell me when you have a new story.

But anyways, to the review. It's very detailed and great. I'm impressed! It's good to see you writing again (now if only I can get back into writing. Maybe your writing will inspired me.)

I really enjoyed reading it and when I finished it, I wanted more! It was exciting and gripping. It left me hungry for more! Write On!

This was seriously cool! I love things that are about supernatural beings but I'm getting tired of Vampires and werewolves. You definitely have something going and the work really makes me want to read more. Besides some problems about the demon being able to say 'I don't feel guilt' when he doesn't know what it is, I'd say that this could be a really great piece of writing. Just fix some tiny things here and there and keep writing!