Talking to God

Hey guys!!
I wrote this poem randomly after school, as we were studying God in R.E/R.S

If we could speak to God,
What would we say?

Would we complain about the starving children
Who die everyday?

Would we thank him
For all the love that he's shared?

Or simply say look;
I don't think you've cared

Maybe we'd say,
Cause' of you, the stars shine so bright

Even though
You've lead us to fight

All these fights, these conflicts
You're to blame

So it's you who should burn in hell
With fiery flame





This is my first poem in a really long time, so comments would be helpful!!

Wow! This was a great poem! I really liked the expression and feeling in it. It's short and quick, but it's amazing how much you squeezed in! I can't wait to read more!




~Star

I really liked this. It makes you think; which is always a good thing. Sorry, I don't write poetry, so I can't give you very helpful tips on how to write, but I thought you should know that I enjoyed reading it and I think you definitely should keep writing and practicing! :]

-Kate

Hai.

Spoiler

If we could speak to God,
What would we say?

It's a vaguely intriguing opening. I'm interested, at least. I would try to make it a little more captivating, though. You could make it really draw readers in.

Would we complain about the starving children
Who die everyday?

The flow here goes off a little bit, and I think it's because of the verb "complain". Try a one syllable synonym, maybe. That might not fix it; I can't really tell. Maybe nix "starving", because children die daily of other causes besides starvation, so it would work. Basically, fix the flow here, as it falters a bit.

Would we thank him
For all the love that he's shared?

I feel like this contradicts the last couplet. I get what you were saying, but it feels weird to me to say "We're going to complain to him, then thank him." Just a thought.

Or simply say look;
I don't think you've cared

This feels odd to me, because of the pattern of one longer line and one shorter so far. Also, saying "you've cared" feels odd to me. Maybe stick to a simple "I don't think you care". Last note, there's some weirdness I'm seeing with punctuation. Reformatted the way that looks right to me (though you're at liberty to do whatever you want):

Or simply say, "Look,
I don't think you care."

Maybe we'd say,
Cause' of you, the stars shine so bright

You go back and forth from hating on God to thanking him. It feels like you're copping out on picking a side (God is good for society or God is bad for society). Also, the flow falters here again, in the second line. Maybe nix "the", or shorten "shine so bright". Experiment with it.

Even though
You've lead us to fight

All these fights, these conflicts
You're to blame

Try not to repeat "fight" in two lines right next to each other. You also finally pick how the person speaking feels about God, which was nice.

So it's you who should burn in hell
With fiery flame

This was an interesting stanza, but it feels like an abrupt ending, like you got tired of writing it and ended it wherever.

This was an interesting take on God's effect on our world. I didn't hate it, but it could be vastly improved. Keep working. Let me know if you have any questions.

Yea, i really loved this! It covered a lot of points people have about God without getting too long or extensive about it, which i really liked . This subject always makes people think, and you did a really good job on it. Keep it up and keep writing!

Heya Tam

I'm here to review as requested. Just to warn you, I'm not the best when it comes to poetry critiques.

If we could speak to God,
what would we say?

Would we complain about the starving children
who die everyday?

Would we thank him
for all the love that he's shared?

Or simply say look;
I don't think you've cared.

Maybe we'd say,
'cause' of you, the stars shine so bright.
You don't need the apostrophe after 'cause.

Even though
you've lead us to fight.

All these fights, these conflicts;
you're to blame

So it's you who should burn in hell
with fiery flame
This last line sounded a bit off to me. It fel like there was a word missing, if you get what I mean.

Overall

I'm not actually going to have much to say about this poem, mainly because it's rather short. I will try my best to help you improve on it though and tell you what I think. What I liked best about this poem is actually the idea behind it. It kind of reminded me of one of my favourite songs; Him, by Lilly Allen. I like the message that you were portraying here. It's as if you were saying that God isn't all that he's cracked up to be. What you were saying actually had a good point behind it, I really liked it. When it comes to your grammar, it was pretty good. Any errors that you did make, I fixed for you. When it comes to your spelling, like usual, I didn't find a single mistake. Back to your grammar though, I noticed that you capitalized the beginning of every line. Remember, you only need a capital letter at the beginning of a line if the line before it ended with a period. Not many poets know that actually. I suppose you can capitalize the beginning of every line if you want, it's just more technically correct if you don't. The grammar in the poem is exactly the same as the grammar in a story or any other piece of writing for that matter.

My main critique for this is imagery. I have to say, there isn't really much imagery in this. I personally love a lot of imagery in a poem, it makes it more interesting to read. I also think that it brings out the true creativity in a writer when they include lots of imagery and descriptions in a poem. What I mean by this is that you don't have any real metaphors, simile's, personifications or anything like that in this poem. Don't get me wrong, there was some imagery in this, just not enough. I know that you have great potential, tam, I just want to see that potential shine through! Considering this poem, at the moment, is only made up of couplets, you could easily make it a bit longer and add in some nice descriptions. Don't be afraid to be descriptive. If you can think of a nice descriptive line, or an effective simile, write it down. There are lots of ways you could create good imagery in a poem like this. Describe how war and hatred is taking over society, how children are smoking, drinking e.t.c. Don't just say it though, describe it and show it to us. Do you understand what I mean?

I don't really have much else to say now... I'm really not too good at poetry critiques. To be honest, I'm finding this poem quite hard to critique. That's a good thing though, I think. After reading this, I can tell that you definitely have potential when it comes to writing poetry. All that we need to do is to squeeze it out of you, no matter what it takes. This may annoy you, it tends to annoy people when I mention their age, but for an eleven year old, I'm pretty impressed with this. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what us reviewers have said. After you've done that, you should think about editing this up a bit. If you do that, you could certainly have a great poem here.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

This poem is simple enough and the words used are, well, very elementary. But it makes you silent; makes you think after reading it. It has a certain impact and appeal. And I like how you started with such innocent and guileless questions, making the last lines more shocking than they really are. Kudos. And


Keep Writing!

Like the others before me who commented on your poem, I found it quick, and straight to the point. The beginning was sweet, yet predictable the questions that someone may ask. The rhythum was good in the beginning and middle, but stumbled a bit near the end. "Burn in fiery ___" I'd have added a little "a" in there, but still- nontheless, it was great! And honestly, I enjoyed it, wonderfully done