Darker Times

Ailis sighed as she walked down the dark alleyway. Although shadows seemed to leap out at her and tall shabby buildings loomed overhead on either side, she ignored it all; lost in a world far scarier than the one she was walking in, her head.

As she walked drunken man called out from doorways, inviting her to stay the night. Unconsciously she gripped her staff harder, her hands covered in a thin, transparent layer of cold sweat. She had seen the victims of these savage brutal men. Jumping at even the slightest sound or touch, their eyes wide and fearful, but, probably worst of all was their skin, flecked with bruises of all colours. Shaking her head to banish those thoughts from her mind she groaned as her short black hair fell in front of her eyes, obscuring her vision. Her tall slender body stiffened and she cocked her head to one side, as if listening for something. Hearing the heavy footsteps of an obviously drunk man she turned around just in time to block the big, heavy paw that had been about to grab her and drag her into the deep shadows of the alley.

The man swore as his wrist hit the hard wooden staff. Grimly Ailis adjusted her grip on the staff and quickly brought one end of the staff up, slamming it into the mans jaw. Cursing in the street slang she knew so well he stumbled back, nursing his jaw with one hand the other held out in front of him protectively. Ailis took the opportunity to wipe her sweaty palms on her shabby, black jeans. Looking up to see the man barreling towards with a wild look in his eyes, she jumped out of the way to avoid getting bowled over. Swearing in All Speak (the language that immortals use and the language used to cast certain spells) Ailis realised that her staff was gone, probably flung over to the other side of the alleyway in her attempt to flee. Rolling to her left to avoid another blow her shoulder hit an old trashcan. For a few moments the world around her swam as she tried to blink away tears of pain. When she opened her eyes again she saw a stick in front of her. She leapt forward as she realised that the stick was her staff. Scooping it up from the filth ridden, cobble stoned street she cradled it in her arms before a roar of fury tore her mind back to the present. Shaking her head at the mans foolishness she smashed on end of the staff into the foot before swinging it into his stomach. The man dropped to his knees, gasping for air. That was the reason he didn’t see the staff swinging in an arc moving towards his head until it was to late to duck.

Ailis looked down at the man in disgust. Cocking her head to one side again she remarked softly“I think that no matter what angle I look at you from you’ll still look like a rabid bear” she sighed and turned around to go, only to see that during their fight a crowd had gathered. She looked at all the faces slowly, observing them with her merciless black eyes. One man stepped forward. “Why’d ya kill ‘im?” the man questioned, an anxious look in his eyes. Ailis sighed impatiently “I didn’t kill him” she answered gesturing towards the man “he’s just been knocked out” she tried not to squirm under the intense stares of the crowd. Sighing, she tried to ignore them, she could understand their curiosity. She herself hadn’t met anyone with flames running down their skin like tattoos. The flames seemed to be under her skin and moved constantly in an almost hypnotic way. Ailis was used to these stares, ever since she stuck in that bushfire and had almost died; the flames had been with her. Slightly annoyed, Ailis whispered three words in All Speak and did her best to ignore the whispers at the back of the crowd as the flames slowly dimmed until they were almost invisible. Unnerved by this display all the people surrounding her took a step back. “Can I go now?” Ailis asked as politely as she could “He’ll be fine so long as he stays away from alcohol for a while” the man looked up and Ailis tried to ignore the pang of sadness at the obvious relief in his eyes “Yes ma’am, o’course ma’am” he answered. She turned to go. “Just one question” another man called out, his deep voice carrying clearly across to Ailis. “Yes” she answered, slightly irritated. “Why are your eyes so black?” the man rushed the question as if he was afraid of her. Ailis shrugged her shoulders, wincing as a wound from a couple of days ago reopened. “I've been told they represent my heart.” Smiling coldly she pulled her skateboard out of its case on her back. Still smiling she dropped it on the ground and rode of into the velvety black of the night.

As soon as she was out of the sight of the crowd her smile dropped. The adrenaline rush of the fight slowly subsided and her thoughts clouded with misery again. After a few minutes she got off her skateboard and began to walk slowly. It crossed her mind that if anyone saw her walking they would probably wonder what a seventeen year old girl was doing walking down the darkest parts of the city so close to midnight. She lifted her head, hoping that some guards would spot her and come over to arrest for being out after curfew. She was angry at the king and wanted to fight someone. Unwanted memories began to flood her mind and images that she had fought so hard to keep out of her head flashed in front of her eyes. Images of Terna (her best friend who had never doubted her like so many others had), his broken body lying lifeless on the shining marble floor, of the king, his cold, ice blue eyes flashing before he killed Terna, and of the jail keeper, with orders to keep her just alive enough to be questioned. She remembered the drug they’d given her to prevent her using magic to escape, and how the jail had seemed to come alive, the walls dripping with blood of past victims, their screams drumming against her ears. She smiled slightly as she remembered Sinra breaking the door down to rescue her. No doubt he was out drowning his sorrows liquor, (yes he is over eighteen) he had been Ternas older brother after all.

She sighed as she got back on her skateboard and started towards home. The only reason this had all happened was because the king couldn’t bear the thought of anyone being more powerful than him and the fact that her race (dragons, who are more commonly know as shifters because……they can shapeshift) were. Lifting her head to the sky she said, “Well at least this year can’t be any worse than last year.” All around her fireworks went off, signifying the New Year. “Yes” she thought, “Nothing could be worse than last year”
How wrong she was.

Could you please review it...please???
...This is my first post so please dont kill me if Ive done something wrong
*Cowers in corner* Hehe not really Im Ebil so you couldnt kill me anyway

Just a couple suggestions:
~remember to make a new paragraph when someone new starts talking. This makes it clearer to the reader who the speaker is.
~try breaking your paragraphs into smaller ones. I found myself getting a little lost in your paragraphs.

shurtugal wrote:Ailis sighed as she walked down the dark alleyway. Although shadows seemed to leap out at her and tall shabby buildings loomed overhead on either side, she ignored it all; lost in a world far scarier than the one she was walking in, her head. Did you mean to put 'she' before lost?

As she walked drunken man called out from doorways, inviting her to stay the night. Unconsciously she gripped her staff harder, her hands covered in a thin, transparent layer of cold sweat. She had seen the victims of these savage brutal men. Jumping at even the slightest sound or touch, their eyes wide and fearful, but, probably worst of all was their skin, flecked with bruises of all colours. Shaking her head to banish those thoughts from her mind she groaned as her short black hair fell in front of her eyes, obscuring her vision. Her tall slender body stiffened and she cocked her head to one side, as if listening for something. Hearing the heavy footsteps of an obviously drunk man she turned around just in time to block the big, heavy paw that had been about to grab her and drag her into the deep shadows of the alley.

The man swore as his wrist hit the hard wooden staff. Grimly Ailis adjusted her grip on the staff and quickly brought one end of the staff up, slamming it into the mans jaw. Cursing in the street slang she knew so well he stumbled back, nursing his jaw with one hand the other held out in front of him protectively. Ailis took the opportunity to wipe her sweaty palms on her shabby, black jeans. Looking up to see the man barreling towards with a wild look in his eyes, she jumped out of the way to avoid getting bowled over. Swearing in All Speak (the language that immortals use and the language used to cast certain spells) Ailis realised that her staff was gone, probably flung over to the other side of the alleyway in her attempt to flee. Rolling to her left to avoid another blow her shoulder hit an old trashcan. For a few moments the world around her swam as she tried to blink away tears of pain. When she opened her eyes again she saw a stick in front of her. She leapt forward as she realised that the stick was her staff. Scooping it up from the filth ridden, cobble stoned street she cradled it in her arms before a roar of fury tore her mind back to the present. Shaking her head at the mans foolishness she smashed on end of the staff into the foot before swinging it into his stomach. The man dropped to his knees, gasping for air. That was the reason he didn’t see the staff swinging in an arc moving towards his head until it was to late to duck. You probably don't need to describe All Speak in parentheses. You can leave that as a mystery to the reader. Don't forget the apostrophe in 'man's'

Ailis looked down at the man in disgust. Cocking her head to one side again she remarked softly“I think that no matter what angle I look at you from you’ll still look like a rabid bear” she sighed and turned around to go, only to see that during their fight a crowd had gathered. She looked at all the faces slowly, observing them with her merciless black eyes. One man stepped forward. “Why’d ya kill ‘im?” the man questioned, an anxious look in his eyes. Ailis sighed impatiently “I didn’t kill him” she answered gesturing towards the man “he’s just been knocked out” she tried not to squirm under the intense stares of the crowd. Sighing, she tried to ignore them, she could understand their curiosity. She herself hadn’t met anyone with flames running down their skin like tattoos. The flames seemed to be under her skin and moved constantly in an almost hypnotic way. Ailis was used to these stares, ever since she stuck in that bushfire and had almost died; the flames had been with her. Slightly annoyed, Ailis whispered three words in All Speak and did her best to ignore the whispers at the back of the crowd as the flames slowly dimmed until they were almost invisible. Unnerved by this display all the people surrounding her took a step back. “Can I go now?” Ailis asked as politely as she could “He’ll be fine so long as he stays away from alcohol for a while” the man looked up and Ailis tried to ignore the pang of sadness at the obvious relief in his eyes “Yes ma’am, o’course ma’am” he answered. She turned to go. “Just one question” another man called out, his deep voice carrying clearly across to Ailis. “Yes” she answered, slightly irritated. “Why are your eyes so black?” the man rushed the question as if he was afraid of her. Ailis shrugged her shoulders, wincing as a wound from a couple of days ago reopened. “I've been told they represent my heart.” Smiling coldly she pulled her skateboard out of its case on her back. Still smiling she dropped it on the ground and rode of into the velvety black of the night. I like how the other characters speak.

As soon as she was out of the sight of the crowd her smile dropped. The adrenaline rush of the fight slowly subsided and her thoughts clouded with misery again. After a few minutes she got off her skateboard and began to walk slowly. It crossed her mind that if anyone saw her walking they would probably wonder what a seventeen year old girl was doing walking down the darkest parts of the city so close to midnight. She lifted her head, hoping that some guards would spot her and come over to arrest for being out after curfew. She was angry at the king and wanted to fight someone. Unwanted memories began to flood her mind and images that she had fought so hard to keep out of her head flashed in front of her eyes. Images of Terna (her best friend who had never doubted her like so many others had), his broken body lying lifeless on the shining marble floor, of the king, his cold, ice blue eyes flashing before he killed Terna, and of the jail keeper, with orders to keep her just alive enough to be questioned. She remembered the drug they’d given her to prevent her using magic to escape, and how the jail had seemed to come alive, the walls dripping with blood of past victims, their screams drumming against her ears. She smiled slightly as she remembered Sinra breaking the door down to rescue her. No doubt he was out drowning his sorrows liquor, (yes he is over eighteen) he had been Ternas older brother after all.

She sighed as she got back on her skateboard and started towards home. The only reason this had all happened was because the king couldn’t bear the thought of anyone being more powerful than him and the fact that her race (dragons, who are more commonly know as shifters because……they can shapeshift) were. Lifting her head to the sky she said, “Well at least this year can’t be any worse than last year.” All around her fireworks went off, signifying the New Year. “Yes” she thought, “Nothing could be worse than last year”
How wrong she was.

Could you please review it...please???
...This is my first post so please dont kill me if Ive done something wrong
*Cowers in corner* Hehe not really Im Ebil so you couldnt kill me anyway

You had beautiful, really vivid description. I could see everything so clearly. You have an awesome character, too. Your plot unfolded nicely, and great fight scene (who doesn't love fight scenes?)! Write on.

I didn't read the other review, so pardon any repeating on my part.

Although shadows seemed to leap out at her and tall shabby buildings loomed overhead on either side, she ignored it all; lost in a world far scarier than the one she was walking in, her head.

You need a comma, not a semi colon. Also, a colon instead of a comma before 'her head' would be beneficial.

As she walked drunken man called out from doorways

"men" not "man". Also put a comma after "walked'.

Unconsciously she gripped her staff harder, her hands covered in a thin, transparent layer of cold sweat.

Get rid of "transparent". It's excessive, and transparency is implied with sweat.

Jumping at even the slightest sound or touch, their eyes wide and fearful, but, probably worst of all was their skin, flecked with bruises of all colours.

This sentence is rather clumsy and needs revising. The main problem is that the first two parts don't fit with the parts after "but". You need to tweak it some. I'd also suggest getting rid of "probably" as well as its proceeding comma.

Shaking her head to banish those thoughts from her mind she groaned as her short black hair fell in front of her eyes, obscuring her vision.

Comma after "mind".

Hearing the heavy footsteps of an obviously drunk man she turned around just in time to block the big, heavy paw that had been about to grab her and drag her into the deep shadows of the alley.

Comma after "man". Also, the last part of this sentence would be more effective if you got rid of "grab her and". It's good with what's left.

Cursing in the street slang she knew so well he stumbled back

Comma after "well". If you've noticed, nearly every comma I've mentioned so far is in relation to sentences like these. I won't mention the others in your work because I think you'll be able to pick them out yourself now.

Looking up to see the man barreling towards with a wild look in his eyes, she jumped out of the way

Hey, you got the comma right this time! Do the others just like this. But one more thing. Throw in "her" after "towards".

Swearing in All Speak (the language that immortals use and the language used to cast certain spells) Ailis realized that her staff was gone,

Don't use parenthesis like this. You're info dumping and it disrupts the story. Explain to us what All Speak is later.

Cocking her head to one side again she remarked softly“I think that no matter what angle I look at you from you’ll still look like a rabid bear” she sighed

Put a comma then a space after "softly. Also put a period after "bear" but before the quotation mark and capitalize the "s" in "she". I have a feeling these things will show up in the rest of your dialogue, so I won't mention any more. I suggest you grab a book and study how dialogue is grammatically executed.

Ailis was used to these stares, ever since she stuck in that bushfire and had almost died; the flames had been with her.

Period, not a comma, after "stares". Put "got" after "she". Lastly, you need a comma, not a semicolon, after "died". On a personal note, it may have been more interesting if you kept how she got the flame marks a secret. It would be mysterious, and you could reveal it through dialogue later when a friend asks.

“Why are your eyes so black?”

I think the more important question is why her skin is flaming... Also, a more appropriate reaction to her appearance would be intense fear, not curiosity or someone asking why she killed him.

Okay, overall this story is great in one way, but not so great in another way. I'll start with the bad since I'm like that.
You need to get a better understanding of how dialogue works, such as the use of commas and periods and starting new paragraphs whenever someone new speaks. Also look into proper comma usage, because it's really distracting when you have so many missing. You also need to try to refine your overall prose, because it feels a little excessive sometimes, as if you're drifting away from the important aspects of the scene and story. I'm not sure how to describe it much better than that. Just keep writing and you'll get the hang of it.
Now the good.
Although your style doesn't quite yet express your story as well as it could, I can still see through it to the actual story, concept, and the feeling you're trying to convey. Its pretty dang cool. Pretty original too. You've got the story in there, you've just got to bring it out. Good luck. This could end up really good.

Thanks, you're so much more helpful than my friends, who just say "yeah that's good" and never really give me any feedback..
I'll work on it so thanks for helping me..Hehe