Beyond Themselves

Asher was never meant to be a teacher
He was far to open and to kind.
He cared to much about his students
Shallow teenagers trying to waste their lives.
He told them they could be whatever they wanted
They told him they just wanted to die.
He told them that they were special.
They told him they could spot a lie.
All they knew is that they were expected to fail
All he wanted was for them to succeed.
They had always been left in the cold.
They wanted to be left in the cold.

Well, most teachers build up a wall against there students
They are the enemy and you are theirs.
Asher had no boundaries
He wanted to connect they wanted to care.
But they were wishing there days away
Throwing them like petals in the wind.

After ten years of trying to give them
Everything he had always wanted.
He gave up and realized they were beyond
Beyond life
Beyond help
Beyond themselves.
And there was nothing he could do
To break them.

Hi!

Okay, this hit hard with a very powerful ending. But it's building up to the ending that breaks the story a little.

1. Grammar. It's not as good as it should be, which kind of pulled me out of the story. Of course, I'm a grammar-obsessed freak who can't stand to see mistakes, and not all of your readers will be like that. However, it's still important to get it right, so you should run it through a word-processor which has a grammar check.

2. Repetitivity. "Told him...told them...told him..." Well, it gets a bit irritating. There are lots of other lovely words you could use, and you haven't, leaving the poem with a sort of bland feeling.

3. Rhyme. It's not as restrictive here as it often is, but it's still holding you back. Let go of the rhyme and use freeform. It will really help you say what you want to say, and the poem will feel much more intense.

Like I said, though, you have a good story and a very powerful ending. This could go places with a little work.

Well, I hope I helped. Please feel free to PM me if there's anything else you need, and I'll be happy to help you out.
~Grin

Hi verawinters,

This is a limited story presented in a poetic structure. There's very little poetic about it, and if you break it away from its construction into prose it seems nothing more than an upsetting anecdote. BCG has picked up on your grammar -- it's pretty poor. You use to instead of too, there instead of their, and so on. This is pretty basic writing stuff and before you even post your work you need to learn to proof-read, otherwise it's a real pain for the reviewer.

I actually thing you have a decent idea here, but it's not being presented in a fresh or original way. Really try and crack out some different words and styles and see what you can do here, because right now it's too stale and immobile to have any sort of impact.

Hi VeraWinters! First of all, I'll go through and edit some things ...

VeraWinters wrote:Asher was never meant to be a teacher
He was far too open and too kind.
He cared too much about his students
Shallow teenagers trying to waste their lives.
He told them they could be whatever they wanted
They told him they just wanted to die.
He told them that they were special.
They told him they could spot a lie.
All they knew was that they were expected to fail
All he wanted was for them to succeed.
They had always been left in the cold.
They wanted to be left in the cold.

Well, most teachers build up a wall against their students
They are the enemy and you are theirs.
Asher had no boundaries
He wanted to connect, they wanted to care.
But they were wishing there days away
Throwing them like petals in the wind.

After ten years of trying to give them
Everything he had always wanted
He gave up and realized they were beyond
Beyond life
Beyond help
Beyond themselves.
And there was nothing he could do
To break them.

I like this! It was sweet and true. One comment: try to break away from the passive tense. Other than that, the repetition and flow were great. Nice work!

Hey.

This poem is, okay.

I don't particularly like it, but it is not my style of poem.

I think all you context is good, and it has a nice flow.

It kinda breaks up towards the end but I think that was summed up in an earlier review.

It was good, well done.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666