A little coin’s message

-deleted-

I'm not good at reviewing poetry, but this is a very good poem.
red=corrections
green=how I would write it

Yuriiko wrote:

Spoiler

I know I'm not good at writing poetry but I hope this is interesting enough that you'll enjoy reading this, people.
Thanks for the time and very much appreciated for comments, violent reactions, etc. I need it.

Lies

More lies…

I just couldn’t bear it anymore.
A barrier trapped and sealed me inside,
Forcing me to live in the darkness.
Still, I wanted the easier way…
Money corrupted my mind,
I took out people’s lives
stole out precious materials,
And harming those innocent creatures.


Voracity, wealth and resentment took
Over my whole body.
Still…
I wanted everything.


All of a sudden,
Darkness turned into something else,
Fuming dark clouds and lightning ,
replaced by birds and cloudy skies.
My feet against the cold misty air
and,I floated like a paper boat in the ocean.
Then emerged a winged person
With his angelic smile,
That appeared to lighten up the mysterious place.
“Who are you?”
I asked him, mystified.
“Do you want to be rich?”
“I am already rich. I don’t need you.”


The angel gazed down on me straight into my eyes
He caught my unsteady right hand,
Placing a rusty penny on it.
I said, “What’s this for? I don’t need this.”
“It’s a change.”
“I don’t need a change.”
“Of course you do.”
Still maintaining his polite smile,
He turned back on me
and flew away gracefully as a ballet dancer.


My head spun like a roller coaster
with uncertainty and regret.


"Do I need this?"


Yes, a change is what I need.

Ovrtall: This is a very good poem. It had nice imagery and a pretty good flow. I like the what the change symbolizes; that was very clever. I look forward to reading more of your poetry. Good luck with your writing~bluewaterlily.

Hi Yuriiko! Here to review as promised.

So, my first impressions: I don't think this was very poetic. I mean, you have the format down and all, but your wording itself threw me off. It's very vague at parts, and I found myself wondering what was going on. For example:

Forcing me to live in the darkness.
Still, I wanted the easier way…
Money corrupted my mind,
I took out people’s lives
stole out precious materials,
And harming those innocent creatures.

Now, I can pretty much understand what this means, but I had to read it three, four times in order to do so. You go from one thing to another to another in a single stanza, and you do it in such a way that I get no emotion or visuals from reading it. It's almost like a list, if you get what I'm saying.

I wanted the easier way.
Money corrupted my mind.
I took away people's lives
Stole precious materials
And harmed innocents.
The end.

Which brings me to my second point. Another thing that contributed to the overall cloudiness of this poem was your flip-flop in tenses.

Forcing me to live [could be past or present] in the darkness.
Still, I wanted [past tense] the easier way…
Money corrupted [past]my mind,
I took [past] out people’s lives
stole out precious materials,
And harming [present] those innocent creatures.

Try and stick to one tense and leave it at that. : )

This all boils down to one thing for me: Clarity. Right now this is, as a whole, pretty muggy and blank. You need to clear away the smoke that surrounds this by using solid grammar, poetic devices such as stanza structure, meter/rhythm (possibly even iambic pentameter, if you can do it!), and alliteration. Conversely, avoid cliches and sob-stories.

Here are a few articles for you to use to your heart's content. They'll certainly help you!

Pray Perpetuate Poetry Punctuation, by Kyllorac.
Emotional Poetry, by Suzanne.
Cliches in Poetry, by OverEasy.
On Highly Structured Poems, by Snoink.

And I think that's really enough to guide you long your way! If you weren't satisfied with this review, please let me know! I'll see what I can do to help!