Tabby

“I really don’t see the point in this,” I sighed. I never really saw the point half the things Luna wanted to do.
“Just shut up and stir” Luna barked. Luna’s my best friend, even if she gets a little impatient when she’s mixing potions. Yeah I know, already sounds really weird, two best friends, Tabby and Luna mixing potions. But that’s the best thing about us, our oddities.
“Tabby, Tabby your meant to be stirring clockwise,” Luna sniffed. Being in her auntie's sun room triggers her allergies but her Grandparents are against the whole magic thing and my parents don’t cook so theirs hardly anything that could be used to puree cow liver with, ok, so we only used a cow liver once, but you get the picture.
“Honestly is it going to make a difference? I’ve been stirring for fourty five minutes!, what ever magic this concoction possessed has well and truly vamoosed!” I complained.
“I swear, you're magically retarded Tabby Salts, and that ,my dear, is why you have me.” Luna giggled waving her wooden spoon around in the air.
“oh, I thought I had you to eat my lunch for me,” I laughed as Luna screwed up her face.
“This isn’t really working is it?” she asked as I shock my head.
“Alright, alright, I give up!” she snarled dropping her spoon on the floor and skipping out of the room. I let out a giggle and followed her out the room.

***

“Tabby, come on honey, it’s time to go!” My mother smiled as she rested her hand on my head. I looked up and smiled weakly at my mother.
“Bye Luna,” I sniffed, kissing my hand and running it along the headstone.
“Happy birthday.” I whispered as I stood up. Mum wrapped me in a bear hug.
“I know, honey,” she whispered into my hair. She didn’t, really, but it was nice to hear. Mum wrapped her arm around my waist and we walked to the car.
“What were you daydreaming about?” Mum asked as she slid into the drivers seat. “Making potions in Mrs Tate’s Sunroom” I laughed.
I pulled the belt across me and relaxed back into my seat. Today was Luna’s sweet sixteenth, we were going to have the biggest party for it. We had everything planned.

This is pretty good, it's just kind of hard to read since it's, quite frankly, grammatically screwed. Let's make it un-screwed, shall we?

“I really don’t see the point in this, ” I sighed. I never really saw the point half the things Luna wanted to do.
“Just shut up and stir!” Luna barked. Luna’s my best friend, [although]she gets a little impatient when she’s mixing potions. Yeah I know, already sounds really weird, two best friends, Tabby and Luna mixing potions. But that’s the best thing about us, our oddities. “Tabby, Tabby you're meant to be stirring clockwise,” Luna sniffed. Being in her auntie's sun room triggers her allergies but her Grandparents are against the whole magic thing and my parents don’t cook so there's hardly anything that could be used to purèe cow liver with, ok, so we only used a cow liver once, but you get the picture.
“Honestly is it going to make a difference? I’ve been stirring for [forty-five minutes]! What ever magic this concoction possessed has well and truly vamoosed!” I complained.
“I swear, you're magically retarded Tabby Salts, [and] that, my dear, is why you have me.” Luna giggled [whilst] waving her wooden spoon around.
“Oh, I thought I had you to eat my lunch for me,” I laughed as Luna screwed up her face.
“This isn’t really working is it?” she asked as I shook my head.
“All right, all right, I give up!” she snarled as she dropped her spoon on the floor and skipped out of the room. I let out a giggle and followed her out the room.

“Tabby, come on honey, it’s time to go!” My mother smiled as she rested her hand on my head. I looked up and smiled weakly and my mother.
“Bye, Luna,” I sniffed, kissing my hand and running it along the headstone. “Happy birthday.” I whispered as I stood up. Mum gave me a hug. “I know, honey,” she whispered into my hair. She didn’t, really, but it was nice to hear. Mum wrapped her arm around my waist and we walked to the car. “What were you daydreaming about?” Mum asked as she slid into the drivers seat.
“Making potions in Mrs Tate’s Sunroom,” I laughed.
I pulled the belt across me and relaxed back into my seat. Today was Luna’s sweet sixteenth and we were going to have the biggest party for it. We had everything planned.

Basic dialogue punctuation rules to remember:

1. You've always got to have some form of punctuation at the end of a quote, be it '.' ',' '-' '!' or '?'.
2. Need a model?

"That movie sucked," said Joe.
"That movie sucked!" said Joe.
"That movie sucked?" said Joe.
"That movie sucked." Joe ate a cracker.

3. When a new person's talking, you skip a line and then do whatever.

That was the only major icky spot...definitely want to know what happened to Luna.

Thanks for being so honest Sam! Yeah i know im grammatically challenged and this peice is pretty old, just something that was kicking around somewhere and i found it so i thought "hey ill post this and see what happens"

I'll fix it up later

-squeaks loudly and runs around pointing at the horrible grammer!-
I'm sure its a very nice story... just fix the grammer please and thank you, then I'll crack down on it till it suffers the wrath of me! o.O but seriously, fix the grammer... please... if you want I could help you with that...

*sighs* Ok ok, fixing it right now!

ok, im really sorry but my computers playing silly games and i cant fix anything right now! you'll have to wait like um...er...um three days maybe because then ill be at my mums and on a good computer, instead of this crud bucket!

I don't really get the story... What's it about?

Okay, I went back to read it again. You really should fix the grammar/spelling/spacing. It's extremely difficult to read and so I missed the 'headstone' part the first time through. If you fixed it, it would be better to read and more effective. As it is, it seems just like words and nothing more. Not trying to put you down, but after you fix everything it will probably be a better read.

Hehe, aren't we all?

Well, you're welcome! Tell me if you get stuck on anything else.

Everybody happy now?

Thanks for all the help Sam and thats for offering ladydark!

I'll post more soon

Ok heres some more i just wrote. I'm not very good with conversation so it's not that good.

“Alright, what about a keg? We have to have one” Luna laughed excitedly. I rolled over and looked her straight in the eyes. Luna had the most amazing eyes, big and green. I don’t mean mild, eye green I mean bright lime green. They were absolutely captivating, that’s what brought the boys, that and her killer personality.
“Tab, stop day dreaming and help me work out how the hell were going to get a keg, then get it past my parents!” she laughed. We both knew it would be easier to highjack a Russian submarine than to get anything remotely alcoholic past her olds.

“So who are you telling?” I asked. I was really concerned about Luna’s guest list. She knew a few more people than me, ok, a lot more people than me and I get a little shy in crowds. Especially when my best friend was the centre of attention. Luna was meant to be mine!

“I don’t know, I was thinking our entire year. Nobody younger, maybe the seniors I know.” Luna smiled; she sure was looking forward to the party. I didn’t, and still don’t understand why. Maybe Luna and I were more different than I ever realised.

“Anybody from outside school?” I laughed. There was one person in particular I was talking about, Luna’s boyfriend. I always thought Michael was too old for Luna but since she liked him, and was happy I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

“Tabby, why do you have to make such a big deal out of his age?” Luna snapped. I wasn’t trying to make a big deal, I was trying to get used to the idea that she was dating somebody twice her age! And I’m not exaggerating when I say that, Michael was 32 years old.

“I wasn’t making a big deal Lu, I was just asking for gods sake!” I screamed, matching and probably beating Luna’s volume.

“You were! You never drop it” She coughed. I didn’t know then but the reason Luna was hacking up her lungs was because Michael had forced her to start smoking. There were lots of things that at that point I didn’t know about Michael.

“Lets just forget it, ok?” I whispered. I knew Luna’s parents started to worry when we had fights and the last thing Luna wanted now was them getting all weird right before her big party.

“Sure, lets forget it. Lets forget everything,” She snarled back. The second Luna said that her face flooded with regret. I knew what she meant, lets forget the laughter, lets forget the inside jokes, lets forget each other!

“Fine, you know what Luna? I will forget it, and I will forget you!” With that I turned on my heels and raced from her room.

I didn’t stop the tears as I stumbled past her Mother and Aunty sucking pack spirits in the kitchen. I didn’t hesitate when Luna started screaming my name, the effort making her cough. Great hacking coughs, thinking about it now they reminded me of my Nana who had been smoking for years, what ever Michael had been making her smoke sure was potent.

When I got home the phone was already ringing. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realise who was calling and it didn’t take one to find the solution. I pulled the phone out of the wall at about 8.30 and turned my cell off. When I wanted to talk to Luna again I would do it.

Mum plugged the phone back in at about 11, if she hadn’t maybe I would have been able to sleep that night.

Well, the second part was much better than the first, grammatically speaking. So congratulations on your improvement.
However, you need to work on placing commas, periods, etc. If the reader has difficulty reading a piece, chances are they won't give it a second glance. If you want to draw in (and keep!) your readers, you need to open your english text book and figure out how the heck to structure a sentence.

Good luck, and if you need any help, don't hesitate to pm me. : )

Lol, i know, i know terrible grammar! so ive been told many, many times! I am however slowly getting better. But now im going to keep my text book on hand at all times to help me along