The Gate

At the beginning of the concrete,
we meet
an oak-wood fence
with many scars
The paint-chipped reminisce,
with honeyed stars
And buried through the bitter green,
beneath the found and the unseen...
Sparkling amber, growing vine
with sweetened scent like cherry wine
It locks around the gate between
where you stand,
and where I’ll be.

HI! I liked the imagery in this poem, although there may be a bit too much. It took me a couple of times to see what it was saying, but it is very vivid. I like the last part, too. It gives it a sort of sad, longing for what you cannot have sort of feeling. Keep up the good work, says my favorite cliche.

ashlyn

The paint-chipped reminisce,

This line made no sense. Did you mean "paint chips" instead?

The rhyme in this came suddenly with scars/stars. This is because rhyme before it of concrete/meet didn't register as a rhyme because the "meet" line was so short compared to the "concrete" one. Rhymes rely upon rhythms and patterns to work, and having an inconsistent pattern, in this case with regards to line lengths, makes the rhyme fail.

Your punctuation was also inconsistent, and this muddled the meaning of the poem. Everything ran on into one massive sentence, and it's really unclear what ideas you have going on in here. Poetry generally follows the same rules of punctuation as regular prose, and I suggest that you punctuate this properly so that it is easier to understand.

As far as your imagery goes, I enjoyed it, especially the "sweetened scent like cherry vine". However, while it was lovely, your imagery struck me as a touch hollow. What does it mean? How can stars be "honeyed"? Imagery in poetry should be concrete and easy to grasp; it's what grounds your reader in your poem, and helps them relate to it. If your imagery floats off due to a lack of substance, your readers float off too. I suggest expanding upon your imagery and showing your readers how exactly things like "honeyed stars" look or feel so that they can easily relate to your poem. You have a talent for imagery; it's just a matter of refining it.

Good day, Chap,

Here to give you an unneeded review, as always. Maybe you'll laugh some more by the end.

Hibiscus wrote:At the beginning of the concrete,
we meet <--here and the line after should go together on one line because it sounds awkward, the break is too sudden. The choppiness is bad here, fix.
an oak-wood fence
with many scars
The paint-chipped reminisce, Does this line continue to explain what the heck you mean...? Or do you mean "paint chips"? I'm not quite sure, but it doesn't fit.
with honeyed stars
And buried through the bitter green, Another incomplete sounding line. What's buried? I don't understand, your phrases are frayed and varied, the imagery too fluttery and...hollow? Sounds like something you'd say to me, but in this case it works. Ground your pretty words--make me understand.
beneath the found and the unseen...
Sparkling amber, growing vine
with sweetened scent like cherry wine This line is my favorite, absolutely gorgeous.
It locks around the gate between
where you stand,
and where I’ll be.

Okay, so not as many changes as usual (but that's probably because it's short) and I liked it. I think you've shown it to me before, but I can't really recall at the moment. It was for that...pathways thing, wasn't it? Or, probably not. Doesn't matter. I thought that as a whole it was lovely but skewed--the images are, as I mentioned before, thin and over head, not really saying anything meaningful. But it was a beautiful idea, and with work, I'm sure it will be a freakin' masterpiece.

~Horseradish