Young Writers Society

In the memory of Deryn jones
There were a girl
I called her a bitch
Now i need years
To heal that stitch
I know right
Its a big hitch
It doesn't mater
If i was rich
Or if i live in a ditch
I cant sleep
Because of that itch
What the hell i was thinking
When i called her a bitch
....................
I tried everything
To resolve that thing
I even tried to sing
But i never succeeded in anything
What else can i do
Do u want me to fling
My head through a ring
Or should i bring
Some scorpion to give me a sting
Hell no am done of this thing
-----------------------
A "stalker" she called me
A "tracker" that hurts me
A "x-hacker" that was me
Yes i know that sounds creepy
But she got not right to call me drippy
She doesn't know that am like chippy
And am just always peppy
Not as she said a "soppy"
---------------------------
I gave an apology
She gave me a "bye"
Am so fie
Iwish i die
I want to cry
I just want to say that was my last try
Its my turn to say good bye





Regards Huthaifa

Hey. This isn't a type of poem that is seen very often. (Or maybe that's just me) But I liked the idea of it. There are a few things I have to say though. The first thing, is that in your second line, you said, 'There were a girl'. I think you may have wanted to say 'there was a girl'. (Small thing) The other thing I have to say, is that I think you focused too much on the rhyming. It seems like most of the rhyming is forced, which made the rest of the poem seem slightly choppy, and that it didn't flow well. Poems don't need to rhyme, and they can be better without rhyming.

But if you want me to explain what I mean, or just want me to have a look at something else, feel free to PM me.

HAPPY REVIEWING DAY

Hello!

My name is Cirque and I'm going to be your reviewer for today. As you have noticed above, it is reviewing day and hopefully I am going to get somewhere!

An unusual poem, though I must say, I absoluetly love it. I like the way you used context of emotions to really paInt a
picture that made me (the reader) feel as If I was actually watching this event. Your description was really strong, and I cannot help but think that you've been doing this for a very long time.

What I do reccomend though is that you limit your use of adjectives and use similies or metaphors to bring out your meaning. Otherwise, you just clump the reader with the smae old thing it gets tiresome over awhile.

Hi spy0h! I'm RepublicOfCoter but you can call me ROC. I'll be your reviewer today and HAPPY REVIEWING DAY!

I'm sorry to say, but I really didn't no which way this poem was going to go. I got really confused. I need to say that I got quite annoyed at all the grammatical errors even if it was intentional. I do have to agree with kingolions that the rhyming was kind of forced and that you focused on it too much which, in turn, caused you to have bad grammar and spelling. Please check over your work before you submit your work. Don't be afraid to use the Check Spelling button.
Good try but, try again.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter

Interesting poem at the very lest.
A bit dark in its own light however. Should this run parallel to your life I raise my glass to ya!
Though its not all glitter and gold I would advise some revising and editing. And watch your punctuation!
Good work and keep writing!
Welcome to YWS by the way!
-Dawn

This poem hurt my head

The thing is the rhyme is to much, like others have said before.
I only found out today what forced rhyme was as it was apparent in one of my pieces and this is another piece.

I think the piece would work better if it has NO rhyme what so ever, however that may just be me.

Hope this helped.

~Retro Disco666

Hello Spy!

It's reviewing day so I'm here to review!

Firstly I have to say that I agree with ROC, I got a little confused. I'll discuss this in a minute, first let me pick through the grammer with you. My edits and comments are in red. Thing's I liked in blue.

In the memory of Deryn jones
This should be seperate from the rest of the poem as it is the title.

There was a girl -
I called her a bitch,
now I need years
to heal that stitch Stitch sounds so awkward here. Try using a rhyming dictionary to find the right word to use if you really want to use rhyme. You also need a period (full stop) here.
I know right,
It's a big hitch and
It wouldn't matter
if I was rich,
or if I lived in a ditch.The section in bold didn't really make sense before with the rest of the poem so I edited it a bit.
I cant sleep I like the imagery of that, I get a really clear picture.
because of that itch Itch is again, really awkward, don't be afraid to use a rhyming dictionary. I do
What the hell I was thinking
When I called her a bitch?
....................
I tried everything
To resolve that thing Thing is a bit vague, and it seems that the rhyme is forced. You don't have to make every line rhyme. Why not use an alternate line rhyming scheme.
I even tried to sing
But I never succeeded in anything
What else can I do
Do you want me to fling
My head through a ring This seems like you were trying to find ideas that fit the rhyme again and here I'm afraid it doesn't really work.
Or should I bring
Some scorpion to give me a sting I like this idea I just don't like the wording. Try changing it to: Should I break my skin,
With a scorpion sting?
Hell no! I'm done with this thing Thing seems forced.
-----------------------
A "stalker" she called me
A "tracker" that hurts me
A "x-hacker" that was me
Yes i know that sounds creepy
But she got not right to call me drippy
She doesn't know that am like chippy
And am just always peppy
Not as she said a "soppy" This is where I get confused. Is the narrator trying to make excuses for why she called the character a bitch?
---------------------------
I gave an apology
She gave me a "bye" This bit also confuses me. I don't understand what you are trying to say in the third line.
Am so fie
I wish to die
I want to cry
I just want to say that was my last try
Its my turn to say good bye I love this last bit!

I'm sorry that I pulled it apart so much but I think it will help you to improve your grammer in the future. Just check through your work before you post it, as ROC said, don't be afriad to use the Check Spelling button.

My biggest issue with this was the rhyme scheme. You seemed to force most of your rhymes and that made the rhythm awkward. Try using a rhyming dictionary or maybe don't even rhyme at all. Poems without rhyme can be very effective.

Just watch out for these things, if you get them right you can write really great poetry.

I thought that the structure of this was interesting, and I liked some of the ideas you had. The raw emotion you put in to some of this with the simple phrases you used was really effective and overall I did enjoy it. I hope to see more of your poetry in the future.

I hope I helped,
~Lydia

Hi Spy! I'm here to review on Reviewing Sunday! Woot!

So. Your poem. I honestly disliked it. Not only was the lack of grammatical correctness a horrifying experience to read, but the rhyme was also nonsense. Harsh, very, but also honest.

Here's what I think:

I hear that English is not your first language; that's cool, and makes all of these grammatical typos and whatnot permissible, for now. You just need practice is all!

The rhyme, however, is not permissible, and needs to be dropped completely. When you start to use random words like, "scorpion" and, "chippy" just to make something rhyme, it's absolutely imperative that you stop it. There's nothing wrong with a non-rhyming poem! In fact, there often more rounded and just plain better.

So my advice for next time: Don't rhyme. Think of what you truly want to say, and say it! Let each line flow instead of trying to make it sound like the one before it. : )

kingolions ,Cirque ,RepublicOfCoter ,Way2Dawn ,retrodisco666 ,Lydia1995 and Mr.Knightley
Thank you guys for reviewing it but i have to say that English is not my mother tongue or even close to be haha.
So excuse me for Grammatical mistakes and i will try harder next time .
And be sure that i will try everything you said yo make it better.
Again thank you guys

Ok, I understand that grammar isn't your strong point, but, I'll correct some little things for you, if thats alright?

The "I" is always a capital if refering to yourself

Words such as "can't" have an apostraphe, so "can not" becomes "can't"

I hope thats cleared it up a little. Overall, a good poem, but Mr.Knightley is right, there is nothing wrong with a non-rhyming poem. All you have to do is think of a good way to let the words flow easily, say the poem out loud to yourself if you want to test this.

On a lighter note, this was a nice poem and I hope to see more of your work in future. Another thing, don't get disheartend because of the nitpicks, alright? It is a good one, after all...

skutter11 wrote:Ok, I understand that grammar isn't your strong point, but, I'll correct some little things for you, if thats alright?

The "I" is always a capital if refering to yourself

Words such as "can't" have an apostraphe, so "can not" becomes "can't"

I hope thats cleared it up a little. Overall, a good poem, but Mr.Knightley is right, there is nothing wrong with a non-rhyming poem. All you have to do is think of a good way to let the words flow easily, say the poem out loud to yourself if you want to test this.

On a lighter note, this was a nice poem and I hope to see more of your work in future. Another thing, don't get disheartend because of the nitpicks, alright? It is a good one, after all...

Thank you,
And i will try to do better next time

Don't worry about it!

Ok spy, I hope I helped.
It's cool that you're learning a new language I'm doing french but I'm definately not good enough to write a poem in it yet so well done on that respect.
I look forward to reading some more of your work