Because I'm Drawn (RE-EDITED)

You slip right through crinkled fingers...of paper.
Paper holds the weight,
but how can I trust something torn so easily?
Because I'm drawn to let my world
revolve around you.
My heart spinning,
my stomach embracing gravity,
my head telling me, "Don't stop this time."
Because I'm drawn to draw you,
to memorize you as many times as you'll keep me.
We are planets;
meant to pattern around one another
so that we're never alone.
And I'm always missing you even when you're there.
Because I'm drawn to love you.

Hey Hibiscus,

I liked your poem. You had good uses of imagery.

I noticed a few things though that you could improve on:

1)

You slip right through crinkled fingers...of paper.

You could try saying "crinkled paper fingers" instead. It makes the sentence easier to read.

2)

Because I'm drawn to draw you.

This was confusing. I'd replace "draw" with something else.

Overall:

Your poem was good. Improving your word-choice would make the poem flow better. Other than that, good work!

- RedRaven

Hey there, Hibiscus!

Overall, this is a nice poem with a great idea. It could have been pulled off a little better with better language use, though! So here's my nitpicks:

1.) I think you should change the first line into "crinkled paper fingers" instead of "crinkled fingers...of paper". It sounds better.
2.) You say "I'm drawn to let my world" and then two lines later you say "I'm drawn to you". I noticed the repetition, and it just doesn't sound good.
3.) I would have actually ended this poem on the line "to memorize you as many times as you'll keep me". The ending wouldn't be as cliched, then. And I don't get how we go from paper...to planets...XD

So, nice work. If you have any questions, just PM me.
xx Mizz

Hey there!

I have to say, the start of this sounded quite lyrical, which is good! It shows that your words (and structure) have a natural pace! The fact that you compare it to paper sets the bar for originality in this poem and it doesn't particularly let me down, a part from maybe the reference to "gravity", which I think is a bit over-used. I would also agree with Mizzle, above, that rearranging the first line to remove the ellipses (...) would improve the fluency of it. At the current point, I think it's too early to have that 'hesitant' effect and it might put off your readers.

And I'm always missing you even when you're there.
Because I'm drawn to love you.

These lines are truly great, but not as an ending. I feel I want to more, explain your love, your feelings. Ignore any threat of what you say to be cliche, because that doesn't matter. A love poem should be a spill of how you feel. Though you've used the impact of explicitly informing the reader of your love, I think for us to empaphise further, you need to carry it on for a few more lines where you practically spill out your heart. You know? It might just be my opinion though.

Hope this helped! Keep writing,
Ben

First: Thank you to all for reading the poem and commenting on it.

Second: I wrote this on a whim this morning. I actually was on my itouch when I wrote it and half asleep, but I'm glad it turned out semi-good.

Third: I've been getting a lot of comments on changing the first sentence, so I suppose I'll work on fixing that.

RedRaven: The "drawn to draw you" line I actually had to stop and go look up the definition of drawn, hehe. I had to make sure it was an actual words. I'm using the word "draw" as in, drawing or creating a picture. Like, drawing a picture. I suppose I could have used a synonym, but I liked the drawn to draw kind of phrasing. Maybe I'll try and find another word to replace it with to have it make more sense.
So like I said, usually I go for different words, so I don't sound like I'm repeating everything. But this morning I didn't really try and think of anything.

Fourth: Still gonna work on that first line, hehe.

Mizzle: In the poems I write... I absolutely love repetition. I think it ties a poem back to a main focus, especially if words are repeated. The beginning can be a section, the middle, and then the end, but they all have something in common. I do see now that the first one isn't like the other with does throw off my repetition, so maybe I can work on that.
The planets was a main theme throughout it, because I was trying to use key words like revolving, gravity, spinning, planets are in patterns, routines from planet to planet like person to person.
I didn't intend the poem to be about paper... really... But I guess it did turn out that way, and then planets are thrown in is probably just too random.

BenFranks: I was going to add more to my poem actually. I really just cut it off. I was typing this on an itouch like I said, and it was kind of hard to look at it as a whole. I accidentally navigated away from the page, and things happen, and I was tired, so I decided to just end it.
I plan of revising this now, so I'll probably really will develop it more and create a fuller effect. I just also worried about making it too large, too detailed, that it would be overgushing with too much. So I wanted a shorter poem, but a fuller effect.

Fifth: Thank you everyone for your advice.

Hey Hib, as request it is I LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer. Okay, not often that something impresses but when it does, I point it out. You were doing a fantastic job and I wowed and totally in captivated. And just as I sensed a Like on the horizon you gone and done to throw this bit in:

We are planets;
meant to pattern around one another
so that we're never alone.
And I'm always missing you even when you're there.
Because I'm drawn to love you.

You were focusing on paper and it was beyond gorgeous, it really was stuff of beauty, but this bit, it's a pull down from the heaven you were emoting and taken down to Earth again. It was too big a leap and wasn't necessary it's lovely imagery but should have left it for another poem, hope this helped.

Good luck.

Hi Hib!

Well, finally someone has incorporated some sort of substantial imagery. I'm bordering on having my brain explode from the lack of it. So thank you for that.

You slip right through crinkled fingers...of paper.

The ellipsis and the statement after it is unneeded. It's like you don't know what to say and you're coming up with this on the spot. You mention paper in the next line as well. So you probably want to use a different term and incorporate it into your previous image. Don't give your poem too many limbs, or state things because you feel that the reader won't understand. Incorporating the concept of fingers is easier to understand. You don't want to draw out a single image too much either.

And I'm always missing you even when you're there.
Because I'm drawn to love you.

You bring in a cliche and disregard any previous imagery. To end off a poem nicely, have to tie it back to the beginning. So paper, but your talking about love, so paper heart? All in all, you have to make sure your consistent with how your writing and don't turn to cliches at the last minute. It seems lazy.

Also, in the context of that line. You're making a very straightforward statement, it means what it means, no other way around that. Those don't work in poetry, as it's an individual idea. For ideas to flow they have to be linked with each other. If you make a statement it's like floating on your back that running headfirst into a wall.

Good luck,

Kamas

'Sup, buddy, lookin' for a review? Probably not, but you've reviewed a couple of mine so I'll return the favour.

Hibiscus wrote:You slip right through crinkled fingers...of paper. Yeah, probably everyone said this before, but lose the elipsis. I absolutely adore this line because the imagery just lights up that happy bulb inside me that glows when I see something awesome. Keep 'fingers of paper' and switch up the next line. Oh! You know what you could use instead of paper? Pulp, as in: "Pulp holds the weight", or you could use something else. Pulp sounds sweet, though, in my opinion. Think of somethinig good, my friend.
Paper holds the weight,
but how can I trust something torn so easily? LOVE this line. Totally works.
Because I'm drawn to let my world Never start a sentence with "because", also the break makes this line and the next choppy. Too choppy for comfort.
revolve around you.
My heart spinning,
my stomach embracing gravity, This line doesn't quite make sense because the imagery is a little skewed. What are you? Sick to your stomach? Gravity's a bit cliched at times, I'd suggest switchin' it up.
my head telling me, "Don't stop this time." Now that I've just read over this line and the last two, they're a bit weak all together. I assume you're trying to use these three as a transition but they seem flat. These phrases are overused, I'd suggest beefing it up with more images, metaphors, similes maybe, and the like.
Because I'm drawn to draw you, Ick. I dislike this line completely. "Drawn" and "draw" should never be used in the same sentence because they are the same thing! Yes, I get that they are being used for different meanings but it comes off dull and uninspired. Maybe you could say "Because I'm drawn to complete you", I don't know. And you used "because" at the beginning of a sentence again. Shame on you.
to memorize you as many times as you'll keep me. This line saves the last two, good job.
We are planets; What? Why the heck are you planets? Where'd that come from?
meant to pattern around one another "Pattern around"? Sounds strange. Didn't know pattern was a verb. It comes off as odd.
so that we're never alone. Cliche--but I like it.
And I'm always missing you even when you're there. You should replace that period with a comma because this line and next go together. Really, even you should see that, unless you were going for something completely random.
Because I'm drawn to love you. Don't use "drawn" again. It was just used a bit before. Use some sort of variation of it.

Okay, so all in all, I liked it. It's very plain and lovely. I like that the reader could think that you might just be in love with drawing itself or drawing someone. Great work on that, actually. I think I nitpicked that too much but when I get started, I can't stop. Love to see more, as always, buddy.

~Horseradish (a.k.a Joel/Kai)

So I'm going to try and take all of your criticism and critique and re-edit my poem to make it... better-er. I don't know how this will go along, but I'm going to try.

You slip right through my crinkled, paper fingers.
Paper bears the weight,
but why do I trust something torn so easily?
Still I'm drawn to encompass you.
Like the surface my touch is smooth.
My heart is spinning,
my head is telling me, "Don't stop this time."
Always, I'm drawn to depict you,
to memorize you as many times as you'll keep me.
Yet I miss you even when you're there.
My hand suspended, then relinquishing.
This devoted ink peppering out onto the page,
so that you understand...
It's because I'm drawn to love you.

That... was probably a fail, but please tell me what you think. I might have done better, or just made it completely worse! ><

I...don't like the word "encompass" in this, and what does "like the surface of my touch is smooth"? The rest of it is better than before, but the ending ruins it, especially the second to last line because it doesn't fit with the last line. It comes off as out of place...

So, slightly better and slightly worse. Have any questions, PM me or comment on my profile.

~Horseradish

So I'm going for a third-times-the-charm try.

You slip right through my crinkled, paper fingers.
Paper bears the weight,
but why do I trust something torn so easily?
Still I'm drawn to be alongside you.
Like the surface, my touch is smooth.
My heart is spinning,
my head is telling me, "Don't stop this time."
Always, I'm drawn to depict you,
to memorize you as many times as you'll keep me.
It's because I'm drawn to love you
that I miss you even when you're there.