42 (2/2)

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Spoiler
Part one <3

Hhaha... hope you like it. Again, I'm trying to improve characterisation and dialogue, so I'd love reviews focusing on those. If not, I'll still be grateful for any other comments. thanks!


“Serious? I’m never serious Miss O’Connor. I’m sure the cleaner will let you out on Monday morning. Well then, tarah!” He bowed his head and ducked out of view.

“Noooo!” I banged at the window with a clenched fist. “I swear, you’d better get back here…”

"Okay, lets not panic," Mike chuckled, taking my hand off the handle. Instinctively I gripped his fingers, fuming, but instantly cooling off from his gentle touch.

"I can't believe… That god awful…” I spluttered, slumping my shoulders and stamping a foot against the floor.

“Oh, don’t throw a fit. The cleaner will get us out.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and sauntered across the room, ducking his head to inspect a piece of pottery; a garish looking goblin statue.

I sighed in frustration, throwing myself onto the sofa and sinking a considerable amount into the squishy material. Mike slid down next to me.

"So while we're in here," he said, turning and grinning at me and throwing his arm over the back of the sofa, "Why don't we make use of the place?" He winked. I stared at him, pulled, wondering if that comment was innocent or if he meant something else. I managed to catch myself, his infectious smile creeping onto my features.

“Was that supposed to be some sort of sleazy chat up line?” I teased, my heart spluttering faintly under my school shirt.

“Ahem, no it wasn’t. I meant explore the place,” he replied, grinning innocently. He got up, and began rooting through drawers below the bench were the kettle was.

"Do you want some tea?" I asked, dragging myself to my feet again and flicking the kettle on as it grumbled to a start. Mike looked in the tin, and took out some crusty digestive biscuits.

"Sure," he shrugged, before pausing. "See? This isn't so bad," he said brightly. "Though I'm sure you'd rather be at a party than stuck in here with your crazy friend. Can’t say the same for myself, I’m having a pretty good time.”

"Well, if I had to be stuck anywhere, it would be with my crazy friend."

Brown met blue as he looked at me, his daring, boyish smirk causing me to feel weak at the knees.

"What?" I finally said, breaking the silence.

“It’s nothing… yeah. Just thinking about something.”

Curiosity tingled my spine as I left him to make the tea. I slouched onto the sofa again, kicking my school shoes off and onto the floor. I drew an old fusty blanket around my legs, taking the mug of steaming tea from Mike’s hands gratefully.

"Hey, look at that," I said, looking over to the large window above the paint bench. Outside, flakes of brilliant white snow twirled and danced, thickly covering the window ledge outside in a frozen blanket.

He took a sip of his tea, looking out at the rumbling clouds outside. "Damn, I could be snowballing my neighbour’s house by now. Stupid Bynes.” I laughed, lunging to punch him on the arm. My head accidentally knocked against his with a thud.

“O-ow…” I rubbed my forehead, my eyes snapping suddenly open to find his lips inches from mine. One of his eyes was scrunched shut, as he covered his temple with his hand. The tension lasted seconds before his voice broke it once more, "Damn, O’Connor, you’ve got a mean head butt.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Mike was always the joker… I just wish he could take a moment like that seriously.

He reached over and pried my hands away from my head obliviously, my heart jumping manically in my chest. “You okay?”

“I’m fine, but I’ll probably fail that maths test tomorrow. You’ve killed about a million of my brain cells,” I forced a smile, feeling his hands slowly release mine and slide away.

"You need some cheering up by the looks of it," he said, looking at me, bewildered by my sudden change in mood. He got up, and held out a hand, but I snuggled away from it. "Let's explore," he said, winking.

"No...so... cold." I pretended to shudder violently.

"Don't make me move you."

"Like to see you try," I challenged him back, raising an eyebrow.

One moment, I was upright on the sofa, next, I was upside down, slung over his shoulder.

"Arghh!" I hollered, feeling my thoughts tumble and crash over one another, as he flipped me over his shoulder with ease. "Put me down!" I demanded, squirming on his shoulder. But then I caught his lovely faint scent of his aftershave, and realised I was quite happy where I was.

"Nuh uh," he said, walking around the store. "I warned you! Oh wow, look at these lovely drawings of..." he paused. "Well, I think that one's a dog, or possibly a log with a face..." he moved along the first year wall displays, pretending to take interest. “First year artwork is pitiful.”

As we passed another display, we passed a box full of cameras, used to lend out to pupils for photography assignments. I grabbed one on the way by, my legs flailing in an attempt to clout him on the head. He only grabbed my ankles in his hands. “Damn you,” I laughed. Putting my eye to the eyepiece, clicked it experimentally. The camera enveloped us in strobe light as it flashed.

"What did you take a picture of?"

"Uh... your butt," I said dubiously, now in a fit of mirth as I hung over his shoulder.

"Hah, now you can stick it on your bedroom wall and admire it every night," was his typical smart alec reply.

"Dream on, boy," I shot back, as my world blurred into a palette of colour as he allowed me to be vertical again. "Whoa," I said, feeling my blood being chased back down to my feet again. I wobbled a little, and his hand wrapped around my forearm.

"Maybe that wasn't good for you," he reasoned.

"I was having a great time, actually," I admitted truthfully. He grinned and leaned against the bench, propping his torso up on his elbow and flashing his gorgeous smile. Silently he looked down again, picking at a blob of acrylic paint dried into the bench, his mood suddenly seeming pensive.

“Something wrong?” I hesitated before leaning towards him.

“Eh… I was just thinking about something.” He paused and raised his eyes to meet mine. “I was wondering… ah-a… I don’t know.”

I tried to remain light hearted, my eyes twinkling as I said, “Oh wow… Mike Greenwood lost for words, someone take a picture.” Quickly I snatched up the camera and he grabbed me by the waist.

“No way, you’re not ruining my reputation,” he grinned, his bicep curled around my middle. I burned where our skin touched, a breath catching my throat. His face was inches from mine, confident eyes crackling with a new fire. “Okay, fine. I’ll tell you what I’m thinking of. I was kind of wondering whether I could try something… just to see what it’s like.”

Oh God. What is he up to?

“Right,” I said after a slight pause. He was still holding me close, his hands resting lightly on my lower back. “Uh, go for it.”

“If you insist,” he laughed, and tilted his head towards me.

His lips met mine in a soft, lingering kiss. I was so taken by surprise, my body as rigid as a board against his easy and gentle hold. A thousand feelings rocketed through my head and I had no idea which one to feel first.As soon as it happened, it was over before I could think of how to react. He pulled away, a slight frown creasing his brow. Something clicked in my mind as I remembered to breathe, exhaling a long held breath into the cool air of the store.

“Well… what was it like then?” I blinked, hearing my voice but not even sure the words were coming from my own mouth.

“You were there, you tell me,” he said, his tone light but his expression serious.

“You first,” I spluttered, my heart crashing against my ribs.

He laughed softly, tousling his hair. “I never saw myself wanting to kiss you before… We’ve known each other for so long. Since we were kids. I thought it’d be kinda weird or something.”

Great. He thought it was weird. I flinched, stung. He blanched, seeing my expression and grasping me by the shoulders. “No-o-o… I thought it would be like that. But it wasn’t.” He hesitated for a moment. “I kinda liked it… I think I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

And then he chuckled, leaning in to start really kissing me, his hand cradling the back of my neck as his lips moved against mine. It was better than I’d ever imagined it to be; soft, gentle and just… special. Like him. My fingers knotted in his hair as his free hand held my face to his, returning his kisses with my own. His arms pulled me close, as if wrapping me into his own world, somewhere where I'd always been comfortable. I was lost in the moment, oblivious to my surroundings.

Click.

Suddenly the spell broke and I turned, gazing in horror as the cleaner trundled into the store, her expression dissolving into shock as she spied us, wrapped around each other. Her mop fell to the floor with a clatter. My lungs seemed to fail me as I stared her in the eye, realising how seriously bad this looked. Mike coughed and leaned back against the counter, looking as if he was conjuring up a smart alec comment.

“Ahem,” Mike cleared his throat, wasting not a second in saying, “Tell Bynes I didn’t ask for room service." I almost wanted to laugh, but found myself feeling almost sick with shock. "And tell him thanks,” he continued, looking down to me, his ever-blue eyes twinkling with humour. “But I’m trying to spend some time with my girlfriend, so could you leave?”

Frozen with surprise, the wizened little lady turned without a word, possibly scampering off to fetch the principle. I found myself not caring. The cleaner backed out and closed the door behind her, as he pulled me close to him once more.


--

Hope you enjoyed it. <3
“Poetry is old, ancient, goes back far. It is among the oldest of living things. So old it is that no man knows how and why the first poems came.”

--Carl Sandburg




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Hey Moo!

Ja, pretty good work here. Though I did like your first chapter better. Anyway, onto this.
“Noooo!” I banged at the window with a clenched fist. “I swear, you’d better get back here…”
Now, I liked how you brought them being locked in the room. It was good,l how you executed it, but (yes but!) I don't like the way you've used that as your way of bringing them together, in a closed room. It seems to fairytale-ish to plunge them in like this. I did, however, like how they interacted in the room, before the kiss.
Brown met blue as he looked at me, his daring, boyish smirk causing me to feel weak at the knees.
This line sort of ruins the effect for me. You could skip the eyes. It doesn't quite help with your description.
Frozen with surprise, the wizened little lady turned without a word, possibly scampering off to fetch the principal.
Just a leetle homonym confusion.
Now, the end was good. :) I like how you developed Mike's character.
Also, I did notice a bit more description in the first chapter. Try to up it in this chapter in a few places.

Okay then. Questions/Comments, PM me.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Hey Moo! Haven't read part one, but I probably will later.

Aw, this was cute! I like how you made them get closer naturally, instead of just forcing them into romance.

The main thing about your dialogue was the stretched words. They didn't seem necessary. A well-placed description can replace some, like the "ahh" at the beginning, and others can use a tag. Also, here:

"Maybe that wasn't good for you," he reasoned.

"I was having a great time, actually," I admitted truthfully.


"Reasoned" and "truthfully" are not words to use in tags. Pretty much avoid them at all costs. "Said" can replace "reasoned" and "truthfully" just seems like trying too hard to find an adverb that fits.

You tend to use a lot of tags, actually, and in some places it seems like a bit much. Read this over and see how many places you seem to describe the characters' voices and their actions, on each side of the dialogue. Tags can "choke" dialogue if there are too many. However, I didn't find this detracted from the story too much. Just something to watch out for.

Some of your dialogue also seemed a bit too smart alec, like when they're talking over his shoulder. It's mostly your MC's comments; Mark was a pretty well-developped character in his dialogue. I also like the way you used first person for lines such as "I burned where our skin touched." It's a really good use.

Hope this helped! PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Just a little note, but I haven't read the first part. Even so, this half made sense, which was good.

I laughed near the end, when they finally kissed. It was just too cute, for lack of a better word. The earlier near-kisses struck me as a bit forced and awkward, not in the good way, but the actual kiss scene felt natural.

You had a number of punctuation issues, especially regarding commas. Since I'm quite sensitive to punctuation, this kept jerking me out of the story. I suggest you review comma rules and fix things up; even if your other readers aren't as sensitive to punctuation, having incorrect or improperly used punctuation gives off the impression that you're not a good writer since grammar is one of the most basic aspects of writing.

Overall, this was a cute story. I don't usually enjoy romance stories, but I did enjoy this one. I think you could have used a bit more description, though. Especially with regards to the surroundings. Right now, the setting and items in it seem to appear and disappear out of a formless mass of building, with the characters floating along in said formless mass. It's a bit disorienting, to be truthful, and mentioning here and there the characters interacting with (and not just mentioning) the surroundings would help ground them.
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I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.
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