Dreaming By The Window (short story)

Hello! I'll be reviewing you story, just remember that what ever I write you don't have to take too seriously...

Solvalery wrote:That night was really spooky for people who don't like thunder, lightning and pouring rain, but to me that night was a beautiful melody.

Lovely begining, it really sets the scene.

Solvalery wrote:“Aaah!” my little sister yelled, hugging me when she heard the first thunder.
“Why are you screaming, Sam?” I asked, laughing.
“Didn't you hear? The sky is mad,” she said, scared.
“The sky is not mad... I mean, can't you feel it? That's nature singing for us and God is the conductor,” I said.

The whole scene doesn't make much since to me but to establish that "I" has a younger sister named Sam. It would be nice if you were able to could place the main characters name in here.

Solvalery wrote:Then I went to bed and turned the lights off;

This whole sentence would be a lot stronger if you were to remove "Then".

Solvalery wrote:I could hear the rain drops hitting the roof and ground. The lightning illuminated my room, giving it a blue tinge, and after that, the loud thunder. So, I fell asleep with that wild lullaby, a lullaby that kept playing all night

You did a great job of detailing but on the last sentence you should remove "So,".

Solvalery wrote:When I jumped off the bed, it stopped raining.

Remove the (,).

Solvalery wrote:I was all freaked out, but I kept looking.

"watching" would work better then "looking".

Solvalery wrote:“I don't know, where do you live?”

Place a (.) where the (,) is and capitalize "where".

OMG, I laughed myself silly with the ending! I never saw it coming. Loved it immensely!!
keep up the good work!
~SP

Hello! I thought your story was very good, but the thing that really ruined it for me was your choice of wors to describe the "creepy creature". The use of alliteration doesn't work very well in this context. If you changed it to "asked the creature" I feel that it flows a little better! But other than that I thought it was great!

Ok so overall it was a good story. You have a very strong beginning, I like it and the sister is a good touch. But could fix a few things.

I think this setence should go after the sister hugs the narrator.
That night was really spooky for people who don't like thunder, lightning and pouring rain, but to me that night was a beautiful melody.

“Aaah!” my little sister yelled, hugging me when she heard the first thunder.

“Why are you screaming, Sam?” I asked, laughing.

“Didn't you hear? The sky is mad,” she said, scared.

“The sky is not mad... I mean, can't you feel it? That's nature singing for us and God is the conductor,” I said. Really awesome here

This needs a better transition. Like "It was getting late and I had (something like school) tomorrow so I decided to go to bed.Then I went to bed and turned the lights off; I could hear the rain drops hitting the roof and ground. The lightning illuminated my room, giving it a blue tinge, and after that, the loud thunder. So,Get rid of the "So," I fell asleep with that wild lullaby, a lullaby that kept playing all night.A lullaby that played all night.

At 3:00 a.m. I was sleeping like a hibernating bear, and thethunder had finished hours ago. A loud noise, coming from my backyard, woke me up. It sounded like a frying pan crashing to the floor. When I jumped off the bed, it hadstopped raining. I looked outside the window, but everything waspitch black really dark and the only thing that wasThe only thing visible visible was the moon. Seconds later,Suddenly, a green light appeared from the ground; It wasTake our "It was" pointing to the sky. I was allI was freaked out and scared freaked out, but I kept lookingmesmerized. I saw the light coming from a silver vehiclemaybe you could describe the vehicle more (optional). I saw a two foot-long skinny creature with green skin and big black eyes, looking all around my backyard.

“Now, where am I?” He asked himself.You could describe his voice. He is an alien afterall, his voice is probably defferent from a human. Then he looked through the window and saw me.

“Hey, can you tell me the name of this star?” he asked seriously.

“U-uu... w-well, this is Pla-a-net Ea-ea-rth,” I said stuttering.

“Hmm, Pla-a-net Ea-a-rth. Looks really interesting! Now, what is this exactly?” He asked, touching my bicycle.

“That is, ummm... ummm... DYNAMITE! Don't you touch that or you'll be dead alien,” I lied. Why did you lie?

“Okay... Then, do you know my way home?” asked the creepy creature.

“I don't know, where do you live?” I asked.

“Well, do you see that star up there? I live two stars to the right, close to that cloud, on planet Mars,” he said. The truth is, I couldn't see one single star on the sky, but I wanted him to go away, so I told him “Oh, yes. I can tell you your way home. Well, you gotta go directly to that bright star over there, then you gotta jump two stars to the right, but remember to avoid that shooting star...” While I was saying that, the creature turned into a squirrel and it gave me an a toothy smileall teeth smile. I screamed, but then, but when I put my hand over my mouth in terror I was yawning and looking out the window to the morning lightI put my hand on my mouth, I was yawning and for some reason I felt like I was waking up. I was standing on the window and I saw the morning light. No aliens in my backyard and no squirrels smiling at me.

Haha, nice story. I like aliens. And I like the way you wrote the part where the main charakter wakes up.
Also, I really liked the way you described the thunderstorm.
Still it was a little big long at the beginning, and you kind of rushed it in the end.
Also it was a little cliché, but I cannot say I don't enjoy that from time to time (this was such a time).
Well done, but I don't think this is your best work.

You have good ideas, just need work on sentance structure and descriptions more, keep writing, I really liked this story. (:

Hahahaha... yeah, I know. Thanks. But this post is really old...