Romance scene.

Alright, so I'm writing this book, and I have to write a kissing scene because... well, I do. But I have never, ever written one before now. Never. So, this probably needs a lotof work. And so, I turn to you, good people of YWS. Please help me with my kissing scene. What is wrong with it? Is it too nasty? I need some good critiques Also, it's only kissing, but I rated it 16+ just to be safe.

Please, do not hesitate to tell me this is the worst scene you've ever read in your life. I'll re-write it as many times as I need to.

*Awkward intake of air* Gah. I feel icky.

Okay... well... here it is, in the spoiler. The stuff in italics is just what you need to know to understand it, it's not actually part of the scene.

Spoiler

Okay, so, Sara is the main character.Nothing special about her, although she does have a taste for anything that's bad for her. She's in the house of Eosphoros, or Oros for short.He's quite attractive. Both Oros and his sister, Nerezza, have super powers, so the stuff about invisible forces- well, yeah. Earlier in the story, Oros attempted to kiss Sara, but never followed through. Sara isn't even sure if he meant to.Oros is crazy. He has huge mood swings that change him from the nice guy he usually is to... well, the guy he is here. His eyes change from gold to red.Sara's ex-boyfriend's name is Mike, he gets a mention here. Oros rarely ever sees humans, so when he sees Sara, he kinda goes after her.He's not supposed to,because Nerezza needs Sara for something. It's not relevant here. Also, it's just kind of not right, cuz Sara's 14 and Oros is in his twenties.That's all you need to know for this. We'll pick up at the end of the paragraph before. Oros just found Sara, and he's in the middle of one of his mood swings

Sara tried to run, but an invisible force cemented her in place. She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work. Oros grabbed her shoulders.

"I've made a decision. What my sister doesn't know won't hurt her." He whispered, his eyes open maniacally wide. He leaned towards her face, and this time, his intentions were clear.

His lips touched hers, and her heart skipped a beat. Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong. But with each second, her heart seemed to melt a little more. Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this. The invisible bonds on her loosened, but she didn't pull away. She let herself be drawn into his arms, and she kissed him back. She would have continued, but a new force threw her backwards, and she fell to the floor a few feet away.

Yeah, that's it. The end there is just Nerezza intercepting.

Phew. Well, when it's all typed up and not written, it doesn't look so bad. Thanks in advance for your reviews. I'll give points out for really helpful ones. Be as harsh as you need to be, I can handle it .

This scene seems a little bit like rape because she is so young and he is so old and he is also forcing her to kiss him. So I might change the age of that male character to like fifteen or sixteen.

His lips parted hers, and her heart skipped a beat. Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She gave in; let his tongue snake across her teeth. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong

Get rid of this. This is grotesque. you could say something like She let him caress her tracing the curves of her body culminating in a passionate kiss. then you could continue with

Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this.

Then you could say something like she felt safe in his arms. The void that she had felt a all those years had disappeared.She Kissed him once more but she was interrupted by a new force. Hopefully my review helped you. If you would like more help or to share your ideas you can always Pm me. Fiction.

Hehehe thanks. Yeah... well, it's sort of supposed to sound a bit like rape... my whole story's creepy like that.

Thanks so much. I'm off to make some changes now!

EDIT: so, I changed some stuff, but this scene's supposed to be creepy. I got rid of the nastiness, though.

Hello, Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the evening.

Sara tried to run, but an invisible force cemented her in place. She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work. Oros grabbed her shoulders. A force is keeping her in place, so does he really need to grab her shoulders? Even if he does grab her shoulders you should make more out of the sentence. Describe how it feels, show me what is happening. Something like, Just then she felt a new force keeping her in place, she looked down and saw two big worn hands gripping her shoulder.

"I've made a decision. What my sister doesn't know won't hurt her." He whispered, his eyes open maniacally wide. He leaned towards her face, and this time, his intentions were clear.

His lips touched hers, and her heart skipped a beat. Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong. Using wrong so many times right here takes away from the effect. It seems very exagerated and annoying.



Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. And practiced.

Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this. I would suggest flashing a memory of her and Mike, but it's up to you.


The invisible bonds on her loosened, but she didn't pull away. She let herself be drawn into his arms, and she kissed him back. She would have continued, but a new force threw her backwards, and she fell to the floor a few feet away. I would be more descriptive on this. She has been thrown back, but you still need to describe. Something like, "She freed the bonds holding her back, and let his long tender arms wrap around her. She could feel his tongue tracing the edge of her lips,and all she wanted was more, but she was interupted by a shot of pain to the gut. She felt the air whipping around her, and then her body hit the floor. Something like that.

Well this was an ok romantic scene, but it remind me to much of the phantom of the opera. I think some things could easily be fixed with more description. Other than that it just takes practice.

If you need anything just pm me.

-Flower-

Hehe, I love Phantom.

Thanks a bunch! I'll work on it.

Comments in red.

Dreamy115 wrote:Alright, so I'm writing this book, and I have to write a kissing scene because... well, I do. But I have never, ever written one before now. Never. So, this probably needs a lotof work. And so, I turn to you, good people of YWS. Please help me with my kissing scene. What is wrong with it? Is it too nasty? I need some good critiques Also, it's only kissing, but I rated it 16+ just to be safe.

Please, do not hesitate to tell me this is the worst scene you've ever read in your life. I'll re-write it as many times as I need to.

*Awkward intake of air* Gah. I feel icky.

Okay... well... here it is, in the spoiler. The stuff in italics is just what you need to know to understand it, it's not actually part of the scene.

Spoiler

Okay, so, Sara is the main character.Nothing special about her, although she does have a taste for anything that's bad for her. She's in the house of Eosphoros, or Oros for short.He's quite attractive. Both Oros and his sister, Nerezza, have super powers, so the stuff about invisible forces- well, yeah. Earlier in the story, Oros attempted to kiss Sara, but never followed through. Sara isn't even sure if he meant to.Oros is crazy. He has huge mood swings that change him from the nice guy he usually is to... well, the guy he is here. His eyes change from gold to red.Sara's ex-boyfriend's name is Mike, he gets a mention here. Oros rarely ever sees humans, so when he sees Sara, he kinda goes after her.He's not supposed to,because Nerezza needs Sara for something. It's not relevant here. Also, it's just kind of not right, cuz Sara's 14 and Oros is in his twenties.That's all you need to know for this. We'll pick up at the end of the paragraph before. Oros just found Sara, and he's in the middle of one of his mood swings I didn't read that because I don't want an explanation.

Sara tried to run, but an invisible force cemented her in place. Very weak first sentence. It would be much better if you chopped it into. "An invisible force cemented Sara in place." Not exactly the best anyway, but better. She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work. That last bit tries too hard to sound smart. It ends up becoming funny. So don't. Cut it or revise it, whatever. Just don't keep it. Oros grabbed her shoulders. I feel like there is a better way of saying this, but if you want to keep it it's all right.

"I've made a decision. What my sister doesn't know won't hurt her," he whispered, his eyes open maniacally wide. I don't like this second bit. It's the way it's phrased. It's not awkward, per se, just bland. He leaned towards her face, and this time, his intentions were clear.

His lips touched hers, and her heart skipped a beat. Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. This makes no sense. In the beginning she was terrified of him, but now she loves him? What in the world is going on? She tried to freaking run in the beginning. Now she's actually willing to kiss him? oO She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong. But with each second, her heart seemed to melt a little more. Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he [Deleted had] never kissed her like this. The invisible bonds on her loosened So I'm guessing Oros is the one who stuck her in place? From what I can understand, he's not human., but she didn't pull away. She let herself be drawn into his arms, and she kissed him back. She would have continued, but a new force threw her backwards, and she fell to the floor a few feet away. Last sentence is weaker than it ought to be. It would be a lot stronger if you had taken out the "she would have continued" part. Get straight to the point.

Yeah, that's it. The end there is just Nerezza intercepting.

Phew. Well, when it's all typed up and not written, it doesn't look so bad. Thanks in advance for your reviews. I'll give points out for really helpful ones. Be as harsh as you need to be, I can handle it .

Final comments:

There's no understandable plot so far and this seriously doesn't work because we're not grounded in it. That's the problem with scenes. We can't truly tell if they're good or not unless we've read what happens before it. But even if we factor in our being unaware of everything that happened before this point, it's not working because the emotions simply aren't strong enough.

You stated everything, but showed nothing. You didn't show me her thoughts. What makes a kiss electric is the ability of the writer to make the reader swoon with the MC. To make us melt with her. To do that you have to describe not just the kiss, but everything else. Does the world slow down for your MC? Does she forget everything except the person opposite her? Does she feel her heart drumming to the beat of the guy's? What does she think? More emotion is needed.

The scene is not creepy - it's simply wrong on tons of different levels. In a sense, this is truly a rape, even though it melts away to become a consensual thing. It's still forced on the girl in the beginning, and I'm not so sure about this glorifying all that. oo"

Also, if she was afraid in the first part, you should have shown that more. You didn't. All of it was telling. Show me how she struggled with herself. How her fear magnifies every sound, every detail of the room. Something. Time drips slowly when you're frightened, so slow down in the beginning. It's too fast.

Anyway, those were my two cents. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

Okay. Thanks for the review. Yeah, there's a whole 150 pages before this that might have helped to clear it up... but yeah. Thanks for the (much needed) help!

oh my gosh that is so good in fact you just loosened my writers block thank you soo much i was starting to think my writing career was over and all you need to do is continue and make Oros a little younger becaue its a little creepy to read that when you know that its not right sorry
-dragons

why thank you. I do know that Oros is too old, but I don't want to change it. That's the tone of the story- creepy, not right. It's supposed to sort of be like rape, but not...really.

Thanks!

i liked it. slightly creepy but okay, if that's the point.

So uh about your story, do you want my opinion? Here goes
I think it should have a lot more detail! Its a romance scene.
Make it... goey!! lol Hold suspense longer, make sure your scene is set before you bring in the kissing.
Maybe some tender words or i dunno some of dat crap!! Lol
I liked your story-I am no expert but i think it does need some changes

thanks, wiz and kak.

Hi Dreamy. Moo here.

Okay, so, Sara is the main character.Nothing special about her, although she does have a taste for anything that's bad for her. She's in the house of Eosphoros, or Oros for short.He's quite attractive. Both Oros and his sister, Nerezza, have super powers, so the stuff about invisible forces- well, yeah. Earlier in the story, Oros attempted to kiss Sara, but never followed through. Sara isn't even sure if he meant to.Oros is crazy. He has huge mood swings that change him from the nice guy he usually is to... well, the guy he is here. His eyes change from gold to red.Sara's ex-boyfriend's name is Mike, he gets a mention here. Oros rarely ever sees humans, so when he sees Sara, he kinda goes after her.He's not supposed to,because Nerezza needs Sara for something. It's not relevant here. Also, it's just kind of not right, cuz Sara's 14 and Oros is in his twenties.That's all you need to know for this. We'll pick up at the end of the paragraph before. Oros just found Sara, and he's in the middle of one of his mood swings

The whole lot of this information was redundant. We didn't need to know any of this because it's not relevant to the scene itself. And I'm pretty sure infodumping is against YWS rules, and I'm definitely sure it's frowned upon. So unless it's absolutely necessary, I would avoid this.

Sara tried to run, but an invisible force cemented her in place. She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work. Oros grabbed her shoulders.

Okay... I think you're meaning to introduce tension/fear for our MC here. I think you used the phrase, 'She tried to' a time too many here. Not to mention the description is minimal. Expand, expand, expand!

"I've made a decision. What my sister doesn't know won't hurt her." He whispered, his eyes open maniacally wide. He leaned towards her face, and this time, his intentions were clear.

That full stop should be a comma. Again, I think you should prolong this part for tension. The whole thing happens way to fast and the reader is left blinking and saying. 'What just happened?' Slow down! Ease the reader into the kiss.

His lips touched hers, and her heart skipped a beat.

This description is somewhat clichéd. You'll see the 'heart skipped a beat' everywhere. Try to be more original and come up with something more interesting.

Sara tried to resist, but her efforts were weak. She knew, every part of her knew, that this was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Meh... the repetition of wrong clutters this sentence.

But with each second, her heart seemed to melt a little more. Oros was warm, smooth, practiced. Mike had always been nervous and embarrassed- he had never kissed her like this. The invisible bonds on her loosened, but she didn't pull away. She let herself be drawn into his arms, and she kissed him back. She would have continued, but a new force threw her backwards, and she fell to the floor a few feet away.

Whoa! Again, quite speedy. Slowwww dowwwwn. Describe the kiss, their embrace etc. more. See what I mean? She runs, he grabs her, he kisses her, and she's thrown away. Too sudden.

Points to consider:

You show rather than tell. I'll use an example from my trusty help book Writing a Novel and Getting Published.

Telling: Joanne was beautiful.

Showing: Joanne walked into the room and the atmosphere changed. An animated conversation taking place next to the door stopped in mid-sentence. Simon realised that, along with the rest of the room, he was staring.

(I'm not claiming this writing to be mine. Like I said, I got this example from the book.)

Also, I have to add something in about how this is 'supposed' to be like rape. There's nothing whatsoever romantic about rape. It is violent, forceful and extremely horrific for the person involved. So this clearly doesn't come into the romance category. Sorry if I sound a little harsh here, but I know someone in real life that has had her life destroyed by rape, and then I read this. It just makes me plain mad. Oros is not only acting *extremely* perverted, but Sara is a minor as well. I've no idea when/where this was set, and whether this is socially acceptable within the refines of your story world. But if you want to make your reader squirm... well, then keep this age difference in here. But it certainly took me out of my reading comfort zone, and will probably do the same to others.

So yeah. Definately some things to think about.

-Moo

Okay, thanks. I really wasn't sure what to put this under... it's not romantic, but it's a kiss, so I figured you romance guys would be better at reviewing it. Which you guys are. Yeah... well, thanks! *donates points*

Just one little thing before I get to the lovely kissing:

She tried to scream, but her vocal cords wouldn't seem to work.

Perhaps change "wouldn't" to "couldn't"?

Now that that's taken care of.
lollerskates, you're adorable. And you were right to try us "romance" reviewers on for size because we're so good at the dirty stuff, hahah.
It's perfectly fine, my dear! I see from reading the reviews that you've changed some stuff, all of which I agree with. The thing is that this is only a scene, from a story that I have not read. For many stories, this scene would need to be a pit more "passionate," which I know you probably feel awkward about. I think, however, that this scene is perfect, just based on what I'm imagining the rest of your story to be like. The backround you gave to this scene tells me that the whole kissing thing isn't focused on the passion of this kiss, rather, it's focused on Sara succumbing to this Oros guy.
I also find the age difference a little odd. 14 is very young, I would change her to 15 or 16 if that doesn't mess up your story. 15/16 is older and more mature, so #1, it's far more likely that a guy in his 20s would think "oh hey, that girl's cute" and #2, it's a bit less out of the ordinary than 14 would be. 14 is one of those ages that people look at and think "child." I'm not saying 14 year olds are childish, it's just one of those ages that older people read and assume the character is supposed to be immature. That and 12. I'm going to stop babbling, but hopefully you get my point.

To sum things up, I think this was (mostly) fine.

Francesca