My Falling Sun (Ch.2, pt.2)

After lunch, we followed the rocky path down to the beach. There was a drop so from the sand you could only see the very top of the house.

The air was cool and swept around me. The smell of saltwater was strong. After setting down our stuff, Ethan instantly pulled Anna into the water. Tristan, Kevin and I followed. After swimming for a while, we got out and dried off.
Kevin laced his fingers in mine, “Do you wanna go for a walk?” He asked quietly. I nodded and we walked down the beach hand in hand. I could not believe how perfect this was. The beach curled around, so it wasn’t long before we couldn’t see Tristan, Ethan or Anna anymore.
Kevin leaned in and kissed me, holding me tight up against him. This was the moment! It was perfect! But how to start?
Carefully, I slipped my hands behind my back and untied my bathing suit. My heart was beating fast. The strings fell to my side and he stopped, I felt cold when he released me.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I just thought-“ My voice was so quiet it seemed to wash away with the waves.

"What?" He seemed almost angry and I shrunk away from him. He just stared at me, accusingly for what seemed like hours and then stuttered, "N-no." And slipped off into the ocean.

The sand was hot under my feet as I marched down the beach, with each step I fought to hold back the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I was so embarrassed and angry. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t Kevin want me like I wanted him? I pictured his face, he had been so appalled at my suggestion. And I pictured his sleek body disappearing into the waves, he hadn’t wanted to speak with me anymore.

“Are you okay?” Tristan’s voice startled me and I jumped, I hadn’t even noticed that he was sitting only a towel away from me.

“Yeah,” I answered brusquely.

“Where’s Kevin? Did something happen?”

“No, nothing happened, he’s just swimming,” But even as I tried to lie my voice broke and my eyes welled up with tears again.

He moved closer, “Are you sure?”

He was staring at me and I realized I’d never noticed his eyes before. They were brown, like Kevin’s, but lighter, so light that they were almost shining. I covered my face in my hands so that I would stop looking at his eyes. “It was a stupid fight,” I muttered, feeling like a child.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He seemed to genuinely care, which just made me want to cry some more. Why should he care about my stupidity and the fact that my own boyfriend doesn’t even want me?

“No, really, it’s stupid,” I assured him but he continued to stare at me with those eyes.

“I’m sure it isn’t.”

I let out a gush of air before turning to face him. "It’s stupid because I happen to have the only boyfriend in the universe who isn’t as horny as the rest of them and refuses to do anything physical. Either that or there is something hideously atrocious about me.”
“Wait, what?” Tristan didn’t seem to understand the implication but I was too embarrassed to explain it to him. Finally he seemed to get it, “You mean, you tried to..?” I just nodded and buried my face in my knees. “But why?”
Now I looked at him like he was dumb, “What do you mean, why? How many reasons could there possibly be?”
“I mean...you...you're..." But he couldn't seem to finish that sentence and he continued to stare at me with those glistening eyes. "Why don't you wanna wait?" He managed desperately.
"Why should I. I know I love him." I said seriously.
At this he laughed, a sick, strained laugh that made my cheeks burn up. "You're fifteen, you're too young to know what real love is."

I glared at him, "Oh, and you do?"

"I'm not saying I do, all I'm saying is that you shouldn't jump into these things."

I wasn't satisfied and I glared off into the ocean. Why didn't Kevin want me?

To my surprise, Tristan took my hand from where it was lodged in the sand and curled his fingers around mine. "Look," he said as if reading my mind, "Kevin’s pretty crazy for turning you down, but he must have some reason and maybe it was for the better."

He offered a meek smile and I just stared at him and his nearly golden eyes, feeling so much better. His hand in mine seemed to be generating heat that was spreading up my arm. When I noticed this I let go and turned back towards the ocean, hoping that he wouldn't see me blush.

There was a drop so from the sand you could only see the very top of the house.

There was a drop so...what?

After swimming for a while, we got out and dried off.

This is abrupt. Why not spend a paragraph or two describing the way the water feels on the MC's skin. What they did in the water. You know?

I could not believe how perfect this was.

By saying 'this' you make this present tense, yet the rest of your story seems to be in past tense. Steer away from that.

The beach curled around,

How about "the beach curved," curled sounds odd.

stuttered, "N-no." And slipped off into the ocean.

Your grammar is a little off here. The way you have this worded, you'd use a comma instead of a period after 'no' and a lower case A.

swimming,” But

This would be a period, not comma.


Well, I enjoyed reading this. I don't really have any plot analyze due to the fact that I have not read anything previously. All that I can say is that you need to slow this down a bit. Have more happening around her. Spend more time detailing her afternoon at the beach. Good luck, I'm off to see what happens before this

-Jayleigh

Hello there, I'm Flower and I will be your reviewer for the afternoon.



After lunch, we followed the rocky path down to the beach. There was a drop, so from the sand you could only see the very top of the house. What do you mean there was a drop?

The air was cool and swept around me. The smell of saltwater was strong. After setting down our stuff, Ethan instantly pulled Anna into the water. Tristan, Kevin and I followed. After swimming for a while, we got out and dried off. What did you do while you were swimming? It may seem silly, but little details like this are important.
Kevin laced his fingers in mine, “Do you wanna go for a walk?” He asked quietly. I nodded and we walked down the beach hand in hand. I could not believe how perfect this was. The beach curled around, so it wasn’t long before we couldn't’t see Tristan, Ethan or Anna anymore. At first it seems that he is thinking the same thing she is. I don't really know the reason you portrayed this.
Kevin leaned in and kissed me, holding me tight up against him. This was the moment! It was perfect! But how to start?
Carefully, I slipped my hands behind my back and untied my bathing suit. My heart was beating fast. The strings fell to my side and he stopped, I felt cold when he released me. This seems way to much like Twilight. Him turning her away, her always wanting him. I think you should change the way you word this if you are going to leave it in the story. You don't want to sound like you are copying Twilight.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I just thought-“ My voice was so quiet it seemed to wash away with the waves. I like the way you say this.

"What?" He seemed almost angry and I shrunk away from him. He just stared at me, accusingly for what seemed like hours and then stuttered, "N-no." And slipped off into the ocean. So Twilight sounding.

The sand was hot under my feet as I marched down the beach, with each step I fought to hold back the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I was so embarrassed and angry. What was wrong with me? Why didn’t Kevin want me like I wanted him? I pictured his face, he had been so appalled at my suggestion. And I pictured his sleek body disappearing into the waves, he hadn’t wanted to speak with me anymore.

“Are you okay?” Tristan’s voice startled me and I jumped, I hadn’t even noticed that he was sitting only a towel away from me.

“Yeah,” I answered brusquely.

“Where’s Kevin? Did something happen?”

“No, nothing happened, he’s just swimming,” But even as I tried to lie my voice broke and my eyes welled up with tears again.

He moved closer, “Are you sure?”

He was staring at me and I realized I’d never noticed his eyes before. They were brown, like Kevin’s, but lighter, so light that they were almost shining. I covered my face in my hands so that I would stop looking at his eyes. “It was a stupid fight,” I muttered, feeling like a child. Sounds like Bella again.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He seemed to genuinely care, which just made me want to cry some more. Why should he care about my stupidity and the fact that my own boyfriend doesn’t even want me?

“No, really, it’s stupid,” I assured him but he continued to stare at me with those eyes.

“I’m sure it isn’t.”

I let out a gush of air before turning to face him. "It’s stupid because I happen to have the only boyfriend in the universe who isn’t as horny as the rest of them and refuses to do anything physical. Either that or there is something hideously atrocious about me.”
“Wait, what?” Tristan didn’t seem to understand the implication but I was too embarrassed to explain it to him. Finally he seemed to get it, “You mean, you tried to..?” I just nodded and buried my face in my knees. “But why?”
Now I looked at him like he was dumb, “What do you mean, why? How many reasons could there possibly be?”
“I mean...you...you're..." But he couldn't seem to finish that sentence and he continued to stare at me with those glistening eyes. "Why don't you wanna wait?" He managed desperately. I think you mention his eyes to much. I think you should focus on another part of him.
"Why should I. I know I love him." I said seriously.
At this he laughed, a sick, strained laugh that made my cheeks burn up. "You're fifteen, you're too young to know what real love is."

I glared at him, "Oh, and you do?"

"I'm not saying I do, all I'm saying is that you shouldn't jump into these things."

I wasn't satisfied and I glared off into the ocean. Why didn't Kevin want me? This is a thought, you should put it in italics.

To my surprise, Tristan took my hand from where it was lodged in the sand and curled his fingers around mine. "Look," he said as if reading my mind, "Kevin’s pretty crazy for turning you down, but he must have some reason and maybe it was for the better." Do I sense a new twist to your story? Hm, he seems awfully fond of her.

He offered a meek smile and I just stared at him and his nearly golden eyes, feeling so much better. His hand in mine seemed to be generating heat that was spreading up my arm. When I noticed this I let go and turned back towards the ocean, hoping that he wouldn't see me blush.[/quote]



Ok, well I liked this, but not much happened. It seems like you are going to completely change the plot to end up with Her and Tristan, but I am just guessing. I really think this sounds to much like Twilight. You know Edward doesn't want Bella, Bella goes and cries to Jacob etc. I think you should try and make it different. Other than that I like it. Let me know if you write any more, I will be happy to review for you.


-Flower-

Good chapter, it shows the characters personalities!

“No, really, it’s stupid,” I assured him but he continued to stare at me with those eyes.

"No, really, it's stupid," I assured him, but he continued to stare at me with those eyes.

"It’s stupid because I happen to have the only boyfriend in the universe who isn’t as horny as the rest of them and refuses to do anything physical.”

"It’s stupid, because I happen to have the only boyfriend in the universe who isn’t as horny as the rest of them and refuses to do anything physical."

“Wait, what?” Tristan didn’t seem to understand the implication but I was too embarrassed to explain it to him.

"Wait, what?" Tristan didn't seem to understand the implication, but I was too embarrassed to explain it to him.

Yo.

I'm sure that you know the drill by now!

I'll begin by saying that I think that this is an improvement compared to the first part of this chapter. In this part, us readers got to know your characters personalities a lot better. One thing that I'm very glad you did was let us get to know Kevin a bit more. Considering he's Sophie's current boyfriend, he is rather important to the story. I got the impression that he was rather cold, but at the same time, actually rather caring. I don't know if that was what you were going for, but it's the impression that I got. It was a good impression, by the way, so don't worry about that. I thought that Kevin was rather cold because he was so harsh when Sophie tried to do stuff with him. Then again, he was sensible because she is only fifteen and is rushing into things. Basically, I have mixed impressions on him, which by the way, is a good thing; it gets me wondering about him, making me want to read on.

My only critique for this part is that it feels a bit rushed. I actually felt this a bit in the previous chapters at times. It's just that I don't think you're giving us enough time to really feel your characters emotions, if that makes sense. Although you are very good at showing the senses e.g what your characters see, I don't think you're as good at showing your characters feelings. I know that you can do this well though because you're so good at showing us readers what your characters are seeing and creating imagery. You just need to remember to give your characters time to express their emotions, basically. Let me find you an example...

"What?" He seemed almost angry and I shrunk away from him. He just stared at me, accusingly for what seemed like hours and then stuttered, "N-no." And slipped off into the ocean.

It's the part that I highlighted in red here that caught me off guard. One second, Kevin is with Sophie and the next second, he's swimming. Because of this, I got wondering whether Sophie and Kevin were already in the sea. At first, I assumed that they were on the sand, but then I wasn't so sure. I think that you could have slowed things down a bit here and described his emotions some more. For example, you could have changed it to something like this:

"What?" He seemed almost angry and I shrunk away from him. He just stared at me, accusingly for what seemed like hours and then stuttered, "N-no."
Not taking his eyes off of me, Kevin bit his lip and eventually turned away from me. My eyes were still locked onto his body as he walked towards the water. As he slipped off into the ocean, I felt salty pools of water form in my eyes.

That isn't the best example in the world, but I think you get the idea. Well, I'm off to review the next part now!