There Once Lived A Girl...

He was eleven, she was eleven. He loved baseball, she loved baseball. He was her neighbor, she was his neighbor. She hated him, he thought he loved her.
He was young, he didn't know what he was talking about. She was more mature, wise enough to see that he couldn't know anything about love. But, sometimes, it takes a child to know what love is.
For days, he looked at her from across the classroom. She ignored him, laughing with her friends at his stupidity. One day, he wrote her a note. It said, I know I'm only eleven, but I know that I'm going to marry you someday. You might laugh now, but you just wait and see. He put the note in her locker. She tossed it in the trash can right before his eyes.
The very next day, he sent a rose to her house. She sent the rose back, crushed.
He sent her candy hearts. She told him they were too sweet for her tastes.
He sent her a cd with a song that he sang on it. She told him his voice was terrible.
Finally, he sent her a beautiful corsage. She said it was too good for her. He said nothing was too good for her.
The boy followed the girl everywhere. Life seemed to make them find each other again and again and again. Finally, when they reached their senior year of high school, the boy almost gave up.
He went up to the girl and said, "I can't love you anymore. Its too tiring loving someone who doesn't love you back. I want to go to prom with you, but I know I'm not good enough for you."
She turned to the boy and looked him straight in the eye. "I keep a petal from that rose pressed inbetween the pages of my bible," she said. "I ate every single one of those candy hearts thinking of you with each bite. I fall asleep to your voice every night." She pulled out her wallet, taking out a crumpled piece of paper.
"I write a new reply to your note every day, trying to make one that's good enough for you. And I'll wear that corsage to prom with you."
The girl started to walk away. Then she turned back and said, "Oh, and I'm not ashamed to do this." She took his head in her hands and kissed him.

Erm..the story is sweet and I liked the first paragraph though it was simple but it gave a nice introduction. But the next few things are simple and I thought it would be better if you add more emotions towards the end. In addition to the guy's reply when the girl kiss him and also whether they got together. Then, it will be more complete even it's a sad ending. Thanks. still like this though

Hey there, Ducky! I'm Selene, and it's lovely to meet you. ^_^

This was such a cute little story! I liked that this had a beginning, middle, and end to it. You don't see that a lot on YWS, so good job!

Blahs:
Your introductory paragraph needs some spicing. It's very repetitive, which makes it bland. Writing is like cooking- you need a base of creativity, a dash of spicy description, a secret-ingredient plot-line to make your readers swoon, then finish it all up with some real-life characters. Now let's do some examples.

He was eleven, she was eleven. He loved baseball, she loved baseball. He was her neighbor, she was his neighbor. She hated him, he thought he loved her.

So... blah. You need spiciness. Take out all this repetitive nonsense and replace it with something eye-catching. Also, that baseball part was completely irrelevant. It held no ties to the story, so take it out.

Here's an example from a novel I am currently reading, For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway. This is his opening paragraph:

"He lay on the brown, pine-needled floor of the forest, his chin on his folded arms, and high overhead the wind blew on the tops of the pine trees. The mountainside sloped gently where he lay; but it was steep and he could see the dark of the oiled road winding through the pass. There was a stream alongside the road and far down the pass he saw a mill beside the stream and the falling water of the dam, white in the summer sunlight."

Do you see how he has captured your attention while introducing you to the story? Now you don't have to write like Hemingway, but even in short stories a large amount of description can be applied.

Fleshing Out Your Characters:
Try adding in some nice adjectives describing that relationship between the two. Instead of telling what is going on you should be showing. I feel like you can bring so much more to this. Don't be afraid to just let all of your feelings out into your prose, because that is what makes a good writer- vulnerability and honesty. Honestly tell your readers what these two are feeling. What are your characters thoughts? Desires? Dreams?

These things will help your readers relate to what it is they are reading. If your characters have flaws, then it makes it easier to like them. I don't like your characters here because I don't know them at all. You need to add depth with your characters so readers like me can empathize with them.

Show Don't Tell:
I see a lot of telling here and not a lot of showing. My previous example from Hemingway was a wonderful presentation of what showing is. Couldn't you picture his scene in your mind? That's what your readers want from your writing. We want to experience what your characters are experiencing. Doing this will help better all your writing.

Overall:

I think you have a lovely piece here, but it can be improved. Read over some other short stories, because some are marvelously entertaining. I enjoy reading Poe's works, but there's a favorite author for everyone. Good job on this, and keep at it!

Have a question or want a review? PM me and I'll be happy to help!

~Selene

Hello there(:
I'm CuteBalletDancer7
I thought this was a really cute story. There was a clear beginning, middle, and end, so points for you! But, I would say to add a little more word choice. You could even add a few similes and metaphors describing the girl and how the boy felt about her.

Me personally, I like the ending just the way it is(: but that's just me.

Overall, good work, lovely story line, add some vocabulary, and keep writing! (:

Hello there, SD!

Here to review.

sillyducky wrote:He was eleven, she was eleven. He loved baseball, she loved baseball. He was her neighbor, she was his neighbor. She hated him, he thought he loved her. (I have to agree with Selene, you need to spice this up a bit. Your introductory line is very important, so try revising this. Though how you wrote those repetitions are okay, you should try rewording it.)
He was young, he didn't know what he was talking about. She was more mature, wise enough to see that he couldn't know anything about love. But, sometimes, it takes a child to know what love is.
For days, he looked at her from across (I don't think how you use two preposition is good) the classroom. She ignored him, laughing with her friends at his stupidity. One day, he wrote her a note. It said, " I know I'm only eleven, but I know that I'm going to marry you someday. You might laugh now, but you just wait and see." (Try italicizing this, it will give a good effect) He put the note in her locker. She tossed it in the trash can right before his eyes.
The very next day, he sent a rose to her house. She sent the rose back, crushed.
He sent her candy hearts. She told him they were too sweet for her tastes.
He sent her a cd with a song that he sang on it. She told him his voice was terrible.
Finally, he sent her a beautiful corsage. She said it was too good for her. He said nothing was too good for her.
The boy followed the girl everywhere. Life seemed to make them find each other again and again and again (repetitions). Finally, when they reached their senior year of high school, the boy almost gave up.
He went up to the girl and said, "I can't love you anymore. It's too tiring loving someone who doesn't love you back. I want to go to prom with you, but I know I'm not good enough for you."
She turned to the boy and looked him straight in the eye. "I keep a petal from that rose pressed inbetween the pages of my bible," she said. "I ate every single one of those candy hearts thinking of you with each bite. I fell asleep to your voice every night. ('To your voice' sound awkward, try rewording it)" She pulled out her wallet, taking out a crumpled piece of paper.
"I wrote a new reply to your note every day, trying to make one that's good enough for you. And I'll wear that corsage to prom with you."
The girl started to walk away. Then she turned back and said, "Oh, and I'm not ashamed to do this." She took his head in her hands and kissed him.

Okay, I find this interesting and a little bit sweet. I'm not sure if how their ages especially in the beginning is right. I mean, an eleven year old can't do everything, and you portray the boy like he's a stalker or obsessed with the girl or something. I prefer you'll have to use an older age for that. It's a good thing, you managed to make them in the middle part, as teenagers already.

First, your pacing. I find the flow of the story in a rush. And that's why you didn't develop well your characters, I find them flat. I know you want to make this piece as short but sweet as possible, but you got to make things in a slower pace, so your readers can connect well with your characters.

Second, emotions. You lack feelings going throughout your piece. You need to show us, their feelings and thoughts towards each other. And tell us why the girl ignores the boy in the first place and what's gotten into her to love him back also. It's really necessary to place some emotions going on here.

Third, tenses. Your tenses are inconsistent. So try to stick to one only and see how the flow goes well. It will also strengthen this piece. As with your dialogs, you also need to watch out that if that character did something in the past, you should make the verb in the past tense form. Okay?

Fourth, let's go to the good things. Your spellings are good, so be really happy for that. the idea plot of this is also good, so keep up on your writing.

Reminder: I have to agree with Selene, you need to show don't tell. As far as I can see, the piece is all plain telling and it's not really good.


Overall: I think this has potential that this will turn good. Just so you know, you need to make this better but taking your reviewers suggestion into an account will really he you. PM me for questions.

keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri