The Crossfire

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Yeah, so. Please just tell me what you think of it overall, the emotions you picked up off of it, how you felt...all that. I guess nitpicks are okay, but nothing too criticizing, please. I'm not prepared for anything harsh today. Thanks and I hope you enjoy it.

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Her earphones were pushed in, so far she could feel the pulse vibrating inside her head. Her eyes were so tightly closed, her face such a pale, white sheet she looked almost frozen in time. Asleep forever, that's what she wanted.

Her phone buzzed, pulling her back from the nothing that threatened to bloom inside of her. She studied her phone for a moment, her eyes flickering down and up. Her friend was to join her any second now--the act was on.

"Hey, Kay!" A voice called. Kiera flashed a smile, her beautiful, white teeth almost blending in with her lily complexion.
"Hey Jem, how's things?" She asked, standing up from the curb to embrace her friend.
"Shiiiit," Jemma replied, "Mum went all ape on my arse; said I don't have enough 'responsibility', or something. Hah! Can you believe it?" Kiera laughed. The sound was like a chime. She was angelic-everybody thought so, too. Gorgeous, silky, black hair that stood proud against her ghostly, heart-shaped face. It was her eyes, though, her eyes...piercing, amber irises like that of a tiger. Virgin tears that rested calm behind a glassy composure. She wished, and she hoped, for their escape.

"That's totally gay. I swear I'm like, so lucky my mum doesn't do that,"
"You so are. You live like, the perfect life. If only you knew how shit it was for like, us kids. The ones with sad lives, who are depressed all the time. Not like you, though. I've never seen you without a smile. You're perfect," Jemma laughed enviously. Kiera grinned with a hidden emptiness, if only you knew.

The tension hurt sometimes. The air was suffocating, and the numb feeling leaked through her body like a welcome visitor. The earphones were in again, and she was sitting in her room. The anger came in waves, crashing upon her like a deadly surf. It was her fault, it had to be. She could prevent it all, she thought. It was her fault. All her fault. She deserved it. She deserved nothing else. Nobody would know. She wasn't another sob story, she wouldn't cry, she wouldn't speak of it. She was loved. She had a good life. She didn't understand anymore. She couldn't remember. Clutching fiercely at her hair, she cursed back her tears. Was it her fault?

She lay in her bed, the darkness a strange comfort to her. She wanted so desperately to just break down. She couldn't now, though. The family was still up. Pacing behind paper-thin walls. The shouts reaching through and grabbing for her. She would have to wait until everyone was asleep. But how long would that be? Her breaths were shallow now, and the music made her heart thump. Warm tears slipped down her face. Silent, ever so silent. She couldn't hold it in anymore. Her teeth dug madly into the cuts on her lips. She needed pain- a distraction. Before she knew what she was doing, her nails were scratching down her left arm. Digging and tearing. She felt no relief, she couldn't cry. Why are you crying? She would be asked, like nothing had happened. She didn't know now. What had happened? She regretted the choice she made almost ten years ago, to forget, to love, and to forgive. She was loyal. She deserved it...didn't she?

"Hey, Kiera?" Jemma asked. The sun was pouring down, warming up both girl's skin.
"Yeah?"

"You're not smiling."

WOW! *speechless* That was....amazing! You really captured the pain of this girl. And i love the way you ended it,
that last line about her not smiling, just made me think...WOW! It really made an impact.
GREAT work! Keep it up, and post more soon!

DAAAAYYYUMMM Bindy!!!!!

You made me feel Like I was right there in the story! feeling all the emotions!
you are **{SUCH}** a talented writer!!!!!!!! I LOVED IT!!!!! great ending with the whole "You're not smiling" thing!
I adored it!!!!!
REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!
love u
xx

Hello Autuer, here as asked!
So, I am going to be a little nitpickie and point out the things I saw that really stood out.

Her earphones were pushed in, so far she could feel the pulse vibrating inside her head.

You just don’t need this comma here. Simple as that. It stops the sentence in an awkward spot and you don’t want to do that.

"Shiiiit," Jemma replied,

The added i’s are unnecessary. It looks distracting. Also, the word I think you would want to use here is ‘shitty.’

said I don't have enough "responsibility", or

The double quotes in this little snippet are located in the story inside of double quotes. You don’t want to do that. You should use single quotes around ‘responsibility’ instead…like that.

If only you knew how shit it was for like, us kids.

This too should be ‘shitty,’ the adjective. ‘Shit’ is a noun.

Kiera grinned with a hidden emptiness, if only you knew.

There really isn’t a rule here, but I think this would look cleaner as:
Kiera grinned with a hidden emptiness. If only you knew.

The tensity hurt sometimes.

Um…’tensity’ isn’t a word. Did you maybe mean ‘tension’ or ‘intensity’?


Okay, there were some things that did feel very iffy here, particularly two things actually.
The first is the dialogue. It feels unnatural. When you read it out loud, does it sound like something you would say to your best friend? That’s really what writing dialogue needs to be. Write it the way you would say it, and then clean it up. Go all of the way, and then pull it back a little.

The other thing comes down to those two big paragraphs at the end. You ask a lot of questions but give little answer. Leaving certain things to the readers imagination is fine, but you leave so much to the reader to have to come up with. You, the writer, know what’s going on, but the person reading the story isn’t going to know nearly as much as you do so don’t forget to take that into consideration.

But I did like the ending. It’s simple, toned down, and it’s bare. Bare, easy dialogue can have a very strong impact and you did that in that final line.

Good luck and happy writing!

~lilymoore

WOW! I love this story, it's beautiful(: You portray the emotions of your charcter so well. I really enjoyed it.
Keep up the awesome work m'dear(:
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"Shiiiit," Jemma replied,

I dont want to offend previous reveiwer, but I think the extra i's explain how she is saying the word, you know, dragging it out. The character wasnt saying it short and sweet


-Dalliance(:

Hi there, Auteur. I'll get straight onto my nit-picks and then go into some broader stuff.

Her earphones were pushed in, so far she could feel the pulse vibrating inside her head. Her eyes were so tightly closed, her face such a pale, white sheet she looked almost frozen in time. Asleep forever, that's what she wanted.

As an opening, this is fairly boring. There's nothing here that makes me stop what I'm doing and pay full attention to your story. You need more of what's called a "hook," something which immediately grabs the reader and pulls them into your story. As it is, this is a fairly boring paragraph, and the last paragraph is blatant telling instead of showing.

Her phone buzzed, pulling her back from the nothing that threatened to bloom inside of her. She studied her phone

The repetition here jars. The second "her phone" could just be "it."

"Hey Jem, how's things?"

Put a comma between the "Hey" and the name. You've done it just up above.

The sound was like a chime. She was angelic-everybody thought so, too. Gorgeous, silky, black hair that stood proud against her ghostly, heart-shaped face. It was her eyes, though, her eyes...piercing, amber irises like that of a tiger. Virgin tears that rested calm behind a glassy composure. She wished, and she hoped, for their escape.

This is really over describing things. The character might be significant, but we don't want to know every detail. This is pretty much the definition of an info-dump description, and it might be good to tone it down at this point and just feed us details as you go on.

"You so are. You live like, the perfect life. If only you knew how shit it was for like, us kids. The ones with sad lives, who are depressed all the time. Not like you, though. I've never seen you without a smile. You're perfect,"

The dialogue you use here is so bizarre. It doesn't come off as authentic in any way. I think it's because it's so direct. The character who's talking... well, we know that her problems probably aren't as bad as she says they are, and the woe-is-me attitude is annoying. They obviously aren't very good friends if they see each other as so perfect. From my experience, friends have a more realistic view of each other. It makes me wonder how long these two've known each other?

Why are you crying? She would be asked, like nothing had happened.

Lower case for "She" here.

That's all I'm going to point out. Overall, this story is problematic. A lot of it comes across as whining with no basis, from both of your characters. Sometimes that's fine, but when it's so overwhelming, as it is here, it can make the story so difficult to get through. Both of your characters are completely self-absorbed, and that might be the intention you have here, but when it makes it difficult to read the story, something's gone wrong. I think the main problem here is that neither of this two characters give any reason for their depression. Since we have no evidence of anything actually being wrong with them in this part except for the vaguest hints, we have to assume that there's nothing. Being vague can only take us so far before we need some hint of something real.

I'm not going to point out anything else, because I think I've given you enough to think on. I hope some of this helps you out. If there's anything you want to ask about, just PM me. Good luck with your writing. ^_^

-Mat