Goodbye Nick

***Okay, so this is my first story on here and it's a true story. It's more or less a rough draft, so please help me to make it better because I think it needs it. Also, I know my grammar is horrible, so bare with me if there is a lot of grammar errors. I'm working on it. Anyways, enjoy.



Well… after school, I was with Nick. He leaned his head on my back as I sat between his legs.

“Are you tired babe?” I was wondering why he has been so quiet all day.

“No, no….,” hesitation was in his voice. I was beginning to worry.

“What’s wrong?” something was holding me back from saying ’my love.’

“Hm, Clare, we need to talk….” the worst words in the world. “I want to end it with you,” I leaned back into him. I couldn't speak; I just tried to hold back the tears.

“Talk,” but how could I? I shook my head in respond. He nudged me in the arm.

“Just sad.” and the tears fell. I lost all strength.

“Oh, Clare..,” such concern was in his voice. He held close and I wrapped my arms around him as I searched for my voice.

“May I ask why?”

“Just lost feelings for you….,” ow. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.”

“What’s so serious about our…,” I tried to continue, but the tears clouded my throat. He took a deep breath; there was something more.

“I don’t want to be in any relationship with you, I just want to be friends,” ow again. The tears now came at a constant pace and still he held me.

“I still love you, Clare,” as friends he implied. “Clare, please….let me see you face,” he place his hand under my chin, but I dug my face into his chest. I didn’t want him to see my face. I didn’t want him to be sad when he sees my hurt and tears in my eyes. I knew this break up was hard for him. I tried to make it easier for him. However, he won and pulled my face up. I looked at him straight in the eyes.

“You’re making me sad,” I knew it. My head fell back into place with his heads tightly around me.

“Listen, I want you to be happy and move on,” he kissed me on the fore head, I glanced up at him and his lips came to mine, but drew them back quickly; I wanted more…

I look down at his necklace, the one I have been wearing for almost five months. I placed it in my hand, “Do you want it back…?” It was a rather simple question, but one that hurt so bad.

“It’s up to you.”

“No, it’s up you.”

He used both hands to cup my hands around his necklace. “Keep it. I want you to keep it. It will help you,” I let it fall to hand around my neck again and thread my arms to hold him one last time, with tears still falling.

“Here, wipe your tears,” he used his shirt to dry my face.

“Sorry,” I didn’t intend to make him sad.

“Don’t be…are you going to be okay?” he paused for a moment as I was clearing my throat. “I’m sorry Clare.”

“I’ll be fine. It’s okay, I understand, it happens.” This wasn’t the first time that a guy lost feelings for me. A whole year later and I finally learned that sometimes people just lose feelings for someone.

“I had an amazing time with you,” he then recalled some memories that made me laugh a little. “I’m so glad we met in chemistry.”

“Yeah, I like it.”

“I loved it.”

“I loved it too,” and I hugged him closer to me.

“Let’s go. The buses are about to leave,” he helped me up and cleared the last of my tears. I looked at him straight in the eyes and with a final hug, we walked our separate ways. It was over. Goodbye Nick…

Hey there! I'm here to review!

Quotes 'n' Comments

He leaned his head on my back as I sat between his legs.

I just thought I'd point out to you that this is a very awkward position to break up in. I mean, the entire break up is awkward and weird, but this position is just the icing on the cake. I'd try to have them in another position that isn't so personal. He's obviously acting weird, so you should have the way he's sitting with her weird, too.

“No, no….,” hesitation was in his voice. I was beginning to worry.

Can you explain the bold section a little more? And also, I would love to see more into their relationship as a whole, but we'll talk about that later.

“Talk,” but how could I?

I don't get this at all. This is not the way you punctuate it, it's just weird? Maybe I'm just reading it wrong or something.

“Just lost feelings for you….,” ow.

I don't like these little comments in her mind very much. I would like more comments by her, but not ones like these. They're just annoying.

“What’s so serious about our…,”

Since they never say what is so serious about it, you should include it in her thoughts somewhere.

I knew this break up was hard for him.

I hate your MC. She's so whiny, and too forgiving! I, and any other normal girl, would be so pissed at this! Put yourself in her shoes and see what you would act like.

“I’m so glad we met in chemistry.”

Cliche alert? haha, just wanted to say that.

Characters

Your characters are not very developed. They are strange to me, and in a short story you really need to focus on your characters and setting. Since you don't have a lot of time to develop these characters, you need their personalities to come out in their voices, and their thoughts. I don't see any of that here, and I think that is mostly what you're missing. Try getting to know your characters first, just think about them all the time and what they would do in certain situations that you experience. It helps, really. And, as I said before, your MC is really weak. She is a bit annoying because she isn't standing up for herself. This is a very bad situation, and she's just going with the flow, like she really doesn't actually care it's happening. I think you need to put more drama into her character.

Plot

I don't see any plot in this, but that's okay! What you need to work on, more than developing your characters, is explaining their relationship. I want to know things about them. How was their relationship serious? How did they meet? Were there some strange rituals they did? It doesn't seem like they're actually a couple because they don't act like one. You just need to add a bit more background to this relationship so maybe we can see why he wants to end it, and if we should feel bad that it's ending.

Overall

This is an unfinished work, but it has amazing potential. If you work on the things I said above, I think this will turn out amazing. You have the outline finished, but now you need to fill it in to make it fantastic.

Keep writing!

Classy

bluewaterlily here to review your story.
Red=-corrections
Blue=Comments
Green=Delete
Purple=Capitalize

CuteBalletDancer7 wrote:***Okay, so this is my first story on here and it's a true story. It's more or less a rough draft, so please help me to make it better because I think it needs it. Also, I know my grammar is horrible, so bare with me if there is a lot of grammar errors. I'm working on it. Anyways, enjoy.

Goodbye Nick

Well… after school, I was with Nick. He leaned his head on my back as I sat between his legs.

“Are you tired babe?” I was wondering why he has Should be had been so quiet all day.

“No, no….,” hesitation was in his voice. I was beginning to worry.

“What’s wrong?” something was holding me back from saying ’my love.’

“Hm, Clare, we need to talk….” the worst words in the world. “I want to end it with you,” I leaned back into him. I couldn't speak; I just tried to hold back the tears.

“Talk,Should be period” but how could I? I shook my head in respond. He nudged me in the arm.

“Just sad.” and the tears fell. I lost all strength.

“Oh, Clare..,” such concern was in his voice. He held close, and I wrapped my arms around him as I searched for my voice.

“May I ask why?”

“Just lost feelings for you….,” ow. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.”

“What’s so serious about our…,” I tried to continue, but the tears clouded my throat. I like this phrase He took a deep breath; there was something more.

“I don’t want to be in any relationship with you; I just want to be friends, Should be a period” ow again. The tears now came at a constant pace and still he held me.

“I still love you, Clare,” as friends he implied. “Clare, please….let me see your face,” he placed his hand under my chin, but I dug my face into his chest. I didn’t want him to see my face. I didn’t want him to be sad when he sees Change to saw my hurt and tears in my eyes. I knew this break up was hard for him. I tried to make it easier for him. However, he won and pulled my face up. I looked at him straight in the eyes.

“You’re making me sad, Should be a period” I knew it. My head fell back into place with his heads tightly around me.

“Listen, I want you to be happy and move on, Change to a period” he kissed me on the fore head;I glanced up at him,and his lips came to mine, but drew them back quickly; I wanted more…

I look down at his necklace, the one I have been wearing for almost five months. I placed it in my hand, “Do you want it back…?” It was a rather simple question, but one that hurt so bad.

“It’s up to you.”

“No, it’s up you.”

He used both hands to cup my hands around his necklace. “Keep it. I want you to keep it. It will help you, Change to period” I let it fall to hand around my neck again and thread my arms to hold him one last time, with tears still falling.

“Here, wipe your tears, Should be a period” he used his shirt to dry my face.

“Sorry, Should be a period ” I didn’t intend to make him sad.

“Don’t be…are you going to be okay?” he paused for a moment as I was clearing my throat. “I’m sorry Clare.”

“I’ll be fine. It’s okay; I understand, it happens.” This wasn’t the first time that a guy lost feelings for me. A whole year later,and I finally learned that sometimes people just lose feelings for someone.

“I had an amazing time with you, Change to period” he then recalled some memories that made me laugh a little. “I’m so glad we met in chemistry.”

“Yeah, I like it.”

“I loved it.”

“I loved it too, Should be a period” and I hugged him closer to me.

“Let’s go. The buses are about to leave, Change to period” he helped me up and cleared the last of my tears. I looked at him straight in the eyes and with a final hug, we walked our separate ways. It was over. Goodbye Nick…

Overall: I liked this story. The reactions and emotions were genuine; this kept me reading. You dod have several punctation erorrs and you switched tenses. But other than this, good story.

Hello, I'm Flower and I will be your reviewer for today.


Well… after school, I was with Nick. He leaned his head on my back as I sat between his legs.This to me seems to be an awkward start. I would start with the ending of school, and then she could somehow end up with him.

“Are you tired babe?” I was wondering why he has been so quiet all day.

“No, no….,” hesitation was in his voice. I was beginning to worry.

“What’s wrong?” something was holding me back from saying ’my love.’

“Hm, Clare, we need to talk….” the worst words in the world. “I want to end it with you,” I leaned back into him. I couldn't speak; I just tried to hold back the tears. The second part of this seems awkward to me as well. I would say something like, "I couldn't speak as I fought for control of the tears that threatened to overflow. Or something to that extent, but that's up to you.

“Talk,” but how could I? I shook my head in respond. He nudged me in the arm. Are you thinking in this sentense, or is it him. It is very confusing. If you are thinking you should put it in italics.

“Just sad.” and the tears fell. I lost all strength. [b]Once again, are you thinking? I would add the first sentence with the second one. Something like, " "Just sad, and the tears fell as my strength finally failed me.

“Oh, Clare..,” such concern was in his voice. He held close and I wrapped my arms around him as I searched for my voice. Here I would put something different than concern was in his voice. I'm not sure what to put, but it sounds awkward.

“May I ask why?”

“Just lost feelings for you….,” ow. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.” [b]Ow, is a thought and should be put in italics.
“What’s so serious about our…,” I tried to continue, but the tears clouded my throat. He took a deep breath; there was something more.

“I don’t want to be in any relationship with you, I just want to be friends,” ow again. The tears now came at a constant pace and still he held me. Ow is once again a thought.

“I still love you, Clare,” as friends he implied. “Clare, please….let me see your ace,” he placed
his hand under my chin, but I dug my face into his chest. I didn’t want him to see my face. I didn’t want him to be sad when he sees my hurt and tears in my eyes. This sentence is really hard to read. I would reword it..

“You’re making me sad,” I knew it. My head fell back into place with his hands.

I looked down at his necklace, the one I had been wearing for almost five months. I lifted it up in my hands. "Do you want it back?" Een in it's simplicity this question hurt the most." [b]I reworded this, one because my computer is being gay, and two I like it like this better.

“It’s up to you.”

“No, it’s up you.”

He used both hands to cup my mine nd his necklace. “Keep it. I want you to keep it. It will help you,” I let it fall to hand around my neck again and thread my arms to hold him one last time, with tears still falling.

“Here, wipe your tears,” he used his shirt to dry my face.

“Sorry,” I didn’t intend to make him sad.

“Don’t be…are you going to be okay?” he paused for a moment as I was clearing my throat. “I’m sorry Clare.”

“I’ll be fine. It’s okay, I understand, it happens.” This wasn’t the first time that a guy lost feelings for me. A whole year later and I finally learned that sometimes people just lose feelings for someone.

“I had an amazing time with you,” he then recalled some memories that made me laugh a little. “I’m so glad we met in chemistry.”

“Yeah, I like it.”

“I loved it.”

“I loved it too,” and I hugged him closer to me.

“Let’s go. The buses are about to leave,” he helped me up and cleared the last of my tears. I looked at him straight in the eyes and with a final hug, we walked our separate ways. It was over. Goodbye Nick…[/quote]



Ok, I can't really edit the rest, because my computer is really stupid. Anyway I liked this, but there needs to be something more to it. I think a little background would be nice.Talk about some of the times you spent together.

If you need anything pm me.

-Flower-

My head fell back into place with his heads tightly around me.

I am gonna guess that you mean "hands", not "heads"... So uh, a pretty good story you have here. Since other people have noted about other errors, I am just gonna leave with this. Keep on writing!