What If

what about you makes me sweat and stumble
turning me into such a nervous wreck
what about you makes the mere mention of your name sent shivers down my back
and sends my heart beating faster and faster
is it merely the testosterone or something more
is it desire for a better kiss
a better love
a better girl
one such as you
what about you makes me such a wreck whenever I'm around you
what about you has me captivated by your every move
sweetie you got me caught with just a glance of your eyes
sending shivers down my back and making my heart beat faster and faster
what about you makes me want to know if i do the same to you
if with a single glance i send shivers down your back and make your heart beat faster and faster
if you become a nervous wreck whenever I'm around you
if you ponder the same thing late at night
whether I'm staring into the dark thinking about what if
what if I send shivers down your back
what if I make your heart beat faster and faster
what if I become a nervous wreck when I'm around you
what if you were to say yes
what would happen between us
so I guess that were never gonna find out till one of us ask and the says yes
till then I will always wonder
what about you makes me sweat and stumble
turning me into a nervous wreck
what about you makes the mere mention of your name sends shivers down my back
and sends my heart beating faster and faster
is it merely the testosterone or something more
is it desire for a better kiss
a better love
a better girl
one such as you

This is pretty good. I like the poem all the way to here:

so I guess that were never gonna find out till one of us ask and the says yes
till then I will always wonder
what about you makes me sweat and stumble
turning me into a nervous wreck
what about you makes the mere mention of your name sends shivers down my back
and sends my heart beating faster and faster
is it merely the testosterone or something more
is it desire for a better kiss
a better love
a better girl
one such as you

At this point the poem repeats itself for the third time. I like the repeat from his, and then her (I take it) point of view, but I think you could close this with something with more feeling. Something that describes how he wonders about a possible relationship, rather than repeat himself for the third time. Like I said, I think the first two repeats are nice though. Don't know much about form, so I'm clueless here.

This was good! Keep it up.

-Esther

Hello fell! Evi here. You obviously have a lot of emotion in this piece, and I see what you might've been going for with the repetition and parallel descriptions. There's potential here.

But, I didn't like this for a number of reasons. Firstly, it's a big glob of text, not separating into stanzas or with no clear rhythm, no capitalization, no punctuation-- it makes the poem messy and seemingly unfinished, like you sat down and pounded out the words without bothering to make it aesthetically pleasing, which it isn't. It's not very organized, thought-wise; the "what about yous" bleed into the "a better ___s" and back into more "what about yous" and then into "if I do the same for you" and into "what ifs"...etc. I think you get what I mean. Each idea is dripping into the next, and it's all very repetitive, like you're saying the same four lines in eighteen different ways.

Secondly, none of this is particularly captivating. You haven't exactly put a new spin on love. All of the language here (heart beats faster, shivers down my back, stumble, kiss, mention of your name) has been used before in poems exactly like this. This gives only a vague feel of who this character is or who this girl is-- you focus all your words on what ifs and what abouts that we don't get anything concrete, nothing to latch on to. There's little imagery.

I suggest you cut out all the winding, convoluted repetition, since it's too indistinct to be effective. (Although, believe me, repetition can be awesome when done right). If you want a line to repeat, to make that your central theme and anchor, go ahead, but I don't suggest it b "what if". "What if" is a very clichéd line, a very unoriginal question to ask. So, work on organizing this poem more so that it flows from idea to idea instead of all crashing together. And use interesting language! Poetry is poetry because it says something in a new, intriguing way, a way that makes you think and that paints a scene very vividly. Consider that while you're revising.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hey there! I'm here to review your poem.

To tell the truth, I didn't like this. It's one of those same ol' love poems that I read every now and then in this forum. You must remember that the subject of love in a poem is very cliche, so you have to find a unique way to present it.

Secondly, a poem follows the rules of grammar and punctuation. You also need to arrange your lines so that the poem won't look messy. A messy poem will discourage the reader from going further.

Thirdly, a poem is not a jumble of ideas grouped together. You have an idea, but what are you going to do with it? You can start with pen/pencil on paper, scratch out your ideas, cancel out the irrelevant/inappropriate ones, structure the whole thing before entering everything into the computer. In short, organize your ideas.

And last, but not least, you should read more poems. From there, you can see how the writers present their subjects, the way they write, and finally, you may able to find a style of your own! There's a Poetry Database at the Resources tab, you can start from there, or just go to this link: poetry.php

Also, there's another concept that's pretty important in poetry - the "Show, Not Tell" concept. You can read more at this link: blog.php?u=5702&b=43614

I hope this helped. Keep writing!