24 (an excerpt)

Tell me if any of you think this is worth reading.

Love comes in so many shapes and sizes, I’m surprised people seem to know what it really is. When it hits them, when it cheats them, when it influences them, and well, when it misses them. My mom was pregnant with me when she was 16. She always wants to say that she had me when she was 18 to make it sound slightly better but alas, that’s a lie. She was 16.
We were sitting in an old coffee shop. I sat on one side of the table, racking my fingertips on its wooden surface, staring at the spectacle before me. The sun’s shadows coming from the window beside us lit up my mom’s face as she blew bubbles in her hot chocolate. I flinched as some got on the table and I instinctively reached for a napkin to wipe it up but my mom pushed my hand away.
“Hey, cut it out. Messes are fun, remember?” she said, pulling the straw out of her mouth. I rolled my eyes and timidly, looked behind me to see if anyone was staring. An elderly couple sat at a table behind us. The man’s head was shaped like a light bulb, was colored like a light bulb, and was shiny like a light bulb. The old man’s dentures showed as his jaw was dropped. I raised my eyebrow at him and he hurriedly turned back to his wife.
I sighed. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that sometimes I wish she would disappear like a lot of things, really. I closed my eyes but I could still hear bubbles being blown even when the coffee machine roared at the other end of the shop. I could hear the old man stuttering to his old wife. I could hear the churn of frustration and paranoia moving inside my head like how a cement mixing machine drives down a road.
I’m pretty sure one of my mom’s mental goals is to try and relive the glory days—the same days I refer to as hell. I’m not sure what the big deal is about being teenager but my mom sure thinks it’s something worth holding onto.
“God, hurry up already.” I groaned, opening my eyes.
It was my mom’s turn to roll her eyes. “It’s not like we’re on a schedule. We’re in Virginia, that’s all that matters.”
I made a face and yanked the folded up map of Virginia out of my pocket. It was crumpled and a little torn at the edges from the numerous fights in the car but still readable. I moved my mom’s cup of hot chocolate out of the way to spread the map out on the table. I scanned it for the word “Arlington”. It was near the top of the page.
“There.” I said, pointing to the little letters. “This is where we are.” I then scanned the map again for the word" Bennigan”. I found it in the middle of the state.
“And that’s where we need to go.” I breathed heavily, looking at my mom with probably bloodshot eyes. I guess I should give her and myself a break. We had been driving for hours. Things always get a little loopy when sleep deprivation is involved.

Hey... here as promised

Well, I like your style, general use of language etc etc. Boring comment I know but it's true. It's very accessible and stuff. honest...

As a concise introduction, this works, but it does open a whole can of new questions - which is good and bad, I suppose, but maybe you could hint a tiny bit more about what's going on? Clearly there is some tension between the mum and child (is it a son or daughter? maybe I'm being dense but I'm not sure) and they're on a road trip, but maybe some suggestion why would be good. Although, these unanswered questions do create a sense of unknown, which is good. So great for not giving it all away right at the beginning, but a couple of more details might be nice .

One grammatical issue:

“God, hurry up already.” I groaned, opening my eyes.

“There.” I said, pointing to the little letters.

When you have speech immediately followed by a "I said" or "said the girls" or whatever, you need a comma at the end of the speech, like this: ""God, hurry up already," I groaned, opening my eyes."

Overall, good start. I'm looking forward to the rest
~*cottonrulz*~

Hey there, Fire. This is an interesting piece, and I think I like the voice that emerges as you read it. I'd be interested in reading more of it. I'll get straight into my nit-picking and get onto the other stuff later.

She always wants to say that she had me when she was 18 to make it sound slightly better but alas,

"Alas" is such a bizarre word to include here. Maybe it's just where you live. Do people use the word a lot where you are? If they do, you can disregard this, but it comes across rather strangely here, and doesn't quite seem to fit with the tone you've created with the rest of the piece.

The sun’s shadows coming from the window beside us lit up my mom’s face as she blew bubbles in her hot chocolate.

This is a nice description. It may not be flowery, but it immediately establishes the coffee shop in our minds, because we've all seen a million set up like that, right? I also like the relationship you set up between the main character and her mother here. It's an interesting dynamic.

I rolled my eyes and timidly,

You don't need that comma. Also, remember to try to cut adverbs out of your writing as much as possible. You're not too bad with it here, but I give this advice in every review I do, I'm pretty sure. It's my gimmick. XD

It’s just that sometimes I wish she would disappear like a lot of things, really.

What is your intention here? At the moment it sounds like your character wants her mother to disappear like a lot of things do. I think it'd be best if you put a period after "disappear." It'd make it make a little more sense, and be a nice character beat as well.

I could hear the old man stuttering to his old wife.

You've established that they're both old. At the very least, it'd probably be good to remove the second "old," as it can be jarring to repeat a word in the same sentence (I just backspaced "the same word in the same sentence," haha).

I could hear the old man stuttering to his old wife. I could hear the churn of frustration and paranoia moving inside my head like how a cement mixing machine drives down a road.

Your sentence beginnings need a little variation here. Unless you're trying to go for some kind of effect with that beginning, in which case you might want to add another sentence with the same beginning to emphasise the effect. Otherwise it might come across as being unimaginative. Also, it might be worth changing the second sentence to "like a cement mixing machine driving down a road" to remove a little awkwardness.

I’m not sure what the big deal is about being teenager

You're missing an "a" here, I think. Or change it to "being teen-aged," if you like. Options! xD

word" Bennigan”. I found it in the middle of the state.

Stray speech marks! Kill them!

And that's all I have. ...actually, I'm sorry. That was a bit too picky.

One thing I really like here is the dynamic you've set up between the mother and daughter. It's not hugely original, but this is a short piece, and it's at least interesting to see it play out. I'd be interested to see more of this, and see what it's like.

Apart from a few redundancies, it's quite a nice piece. The characters are set up within a few paragraphs, and they seem to be interesting. I hope you play out more of their relationship than just what you've shown here, though. You give us the minimum of description, but it works. I'm not a big fan of pages of description, so I like how you establish the setting and move on.

The only large thing I can point out is that the first paragraph seems to be at a really big disconnect from the rest of the piece. It's kind of an awkward introduction, especially as what we read afterwards doesn't seem to have much to do with love. There's the bit where your main character acknowledges that she loves her mother, but that's more of a defence of her being annoyed. Maybe have a look and see if there's another place you can fit that paragraph, or if it can be connected more explicitly to the rest of this piece?

I actually don't have too much else I can say. I hope this review helped you out. If you want to ask a question about anything I've said or another review, just PM me sometime. I'd be happy to help out. Like I said, I'm interested in reading more. Nice job.

-Mat