Somewhere

Somewhere;

Somewhere, before my heart turned crafty,
I fell stupidly in love with you.
Don't ask how, don't ask why. I don't reveal such truths
As those. Sacred—stamped crossly beneath your rugged heart
Your love was embedded, emblazoned, ignorant of my whims.
Of course I adored you, dear, but I can't spell that right out loud.
My lips feel salted and rough, though you assure me
They taste like velvet tears. Tears;
Exactly what I'm full of.
I can't carry my cross to you, I'm unable to mount the bridge.
I cannot say a word to you, nor account any sacrilege.
Just...tell me it won't end. Even if I carve out my own ticker
With broiling lies, stay with me. Cradle me, undo me, like your
Kind do incredibly well.
Don't let it all disappear like snowflakes
Falling perilously into an ocean.
Say it again; scream. Do anything,
Hit me if you must.
Just don't announce it,
Make it painfully plain,
With words so pumped with vile vigor
That even your saline teeth itch—
That it's not even real—
Not even an inch.
That I fell for an ox and not a man;
That I clawed out my very own heart for nothing.

That I clawed out my very own heart for nothing

That even your saline teeth itch—

I think these are the two best lines in the piece.

This is rather a good piece.

Something that has piqued my interest is the structure. It is completely flowing. Is this meant to be reflective of something within the piece?

A very good piece though.

i liked your poem very much, the only think i didn't like was how you separated your lines. it was a bit confusing and takes the illusion away.

Of course I adored you, dear, but I can't spell that right

i wasn't too fond of this line.
other than that i enjoyed your work

I will say this was much better than that "Sand" poem of yours I just read... well, partially read. Anyway, I liked the poem up until like the end... because then it got kind of violent and darker than it already was.

I liked these line a lot.

"My lips feel salted and rough, though you assure me
They taste like velvet tears. Tears;
Exactly what I'm full of."

Especially the "salted and rough".

And these lines.

"Cradle me, undo me, like your
Kind do incredibly well.
Don't let it all disappear like snowflakes
Falling perilously into an ocean."

But still, these are only parts. I wanna like the whole poem.

Another thing I'm realizing or noticing is that your poems are very... mellow. I mean, I guess that's not the right word for it. But all your poems even though they're melancholy or violent they're not... exciting? I mean, when you think of violence you think of action, right? Your violence doesn't make me feel anything.

I wanna see you write something that puts me up to continue reading, makes me connect, feel something, want more, experience, love.

Through away the false sadness and give me a true sadness I can work with.

Hey there!

So, once again I was drawn in by your colourful use of language which is inevitably appealing to any fellow literate. Although I have to admit that sometimes you definitely overuse that talent and of the lines at the beginning are quite wordy. Though, besides that, the beginning is actually very, very good. Until I got to this line:

I can't carry my cross to you,

Yes, this makes sense, but at first I interpreted "Cross" as the anger emotion and it didn't make sense to me. I think this is because it feels slightly out of context in comparison with the rest of your poem. Therefore it might need a smidgen of editing. If you're talking about the religious cross as I assume you are, I think you need to restructure it because it really doesn't go with the collections of emotions you flaunt about in the first part.

The snow flakes line was a brilliant piece of imagery about how it could all disappear in a second, but again it was cramped with complexity of words. In a read over it sounds fine and makes the image even more vivid and secure, but in terms of taking away a message I think you'll get a greater impact from simplicity. Though, I disagree with the other reviewer that your ending was poor, because I actually saw it as a very intelligent ending that leaves the reader with food for thought and a flood of empathy so well done there.

Anyway, hope this helps. Keep writing,
Ben

Hey!

Okay, I really liked this. It's very unique, and I was really drawn in by the emotions of the narrator. There's an air of mystery that I can't quite put my finger on, but that immediately attracted me and made me want to know more about the story you have here.

I won't pick my way through the whole poem, but there are a few things I'd like to point out.

Somewhere, before my heart turned crafty,
I fell stupidly in love with you.

Okay. You have me interested. Obviously, some time has passed between the narrator's falling in love and the present. So maybe the word "somewhere" isn't entirely appropriate here. However, I do like the way it gives an air of confusion, like she can't remember quite how this happened.

The other thing that bothers me here is the word "stupidly". "Foolishly" might fit better. Or "naively". "Stupid" suggests that the narrator is simply an idiot, which is clearly not the case, no matter how much she has changed. "Naive" would be better because it indicates a lack of experience which has obviously been gained later on.

Of course I adored you, dear, but I can't spell that right out loud.

I think I'd love this line if I understood it. I'm probably just being dense, but it has me very confused.

I love the way that, later on in the poem, she feels secure enough to plead with her lover to stay with her. She may have been naive to fall in love with him, but experience can't help her to fall back out of love. It really works for this narrator, she has that air of intelligence and experience mixed with an unfathomable vulnerability.

That I fell for an ox and not a man;
That I clawed out my very own heart for nothing.

Again, her emotions are very clear here. She's afraid of who she has become by loving this man, and of who he is, and of what it's doing to her - and still, she can't stop loving him.

In all, I really liked it. And I hope I helped. If there's anything in this that's unclear, drop me a PM and I'll be happy to explain.
~Grin