Jack

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People don’t like attending funerals for the same reason many people don’t like caviar.
It’s an acquired taste.
Fear is an acquired taste.
In actuality, it’s something one feels more than tastes, a pulsing in the very back of the throat.

Jack’s hands push against the steering wheel. The angry red color of his knuckles contrasts against the pale nothingness of the overcast sky. The funny thing about overcast days is the way the light hits things. There are no shadows because the light doesn’t come from one place, but from every water particle that makes up the cloud cover. In some ways, the lack of shadows is more frightening than being in the dark.
He turns into the cemetery. The perfectly manicured grass looks incredibly green in the light, so full of life. He recalled the humorless smile his father regarded him with at times like this.
No worries, Jackie Boy, the cemetery’s a prime hangout. Everybody’s dying to get in.
Jack had never really found it funny, and his mother had openly disapproved. His father had not repeated the morbid joke on the drive to Jack’s mother’s funeral.
He stepped out of the car door and noticed how the heavy, moist air settled in miniscule water droplets on the fabric of his suit. Hands in pockets, Jack solemnly made his way to the awning under which the funeral directors always spread that awful green felt. He hated how it ran smoothly over headstones and rose in places where graves had just been filled.
Jack picked his way superstitiously around the concealed headstones and saw that any of the cheap, plastic folding chairs were empty and briefly wondered if maybe he had come too early. He walked to the wearing a black veil and shuddering quietly in the front row. She looked up at him upon hearing the sound of his wingtips sliding over the slick grass. He reached for her hand and held it in his own. She would recall years later how his hand had felt abnormally hot. Feverish.
“I’m very sorry,” he whispered to her in hushed tones. He did not say what he was sorry for.
His tone was so sincere that it caused the woman’s eyes to well with tears even though she had thought to herself only moments before that she had none left to cry. Jack thought he saw a glint of unrecognition in her eyes before he released her moist hand and allowed it to fall back into her lap.
Jack sat in one of the chairs; it creaked in complaint as he settled into it. He watched silently as the hearse brought the coffin, followed by a long line of headlights dulled by the fog. There are more attendees at funerals when the deceased is a child.
The pall-bearers lowered the coffin onto the straps which would later sink it into the ground accompanied by a final cacophony of sobs. It was powder blue with metal hinges.
The pall-bearers all took their seats as the priest took his place before the grave, regarding everyone present with harsh and judgmental eyes. He turned to sprinkle holy water on the coffin and the grave. The water hit the surface of the coffin with a strangely hollow sound, like rain on an opened umbrella. This was due to the fact that there was no body in the coffin.
The funeral was that of Daniel Abraham West. He had gone missing at age seven and had been missing for an equal number of years. No body had been found.
After these seven years, it was decided that the child should be given a funeral in order for the parents to receive proper closure. A coffin was chosen and the funeral was held at the church Danny grew up attending, St. Timothy’s. The coffin contained nothing but a copy of the children’s book If You Give A Pig A Pancake and a Tonka truck. These had been Danny’s favorite things.
Jack sat respectfully as the priest read from the Bible and conducted the ceremony for a child’s burial. Jack listened as the Catholics responded in unison and as family members spoke about Danny, how he was a wonderful boy who had deserved to live a good life. Not a single person mentioned how he whined and begged, or how he had a tendency to pee his pants when he was panicked or scared.
Nothing bad is ever said about the dead.
The funeral was ending. The funeral directors began to turn the hateful cranks that would slacken the straps and begin the coffin’s slow descent.
The woman Jack had consoled earlier, the woman whom he could only presume was Danny’s mother, began shrieking. There were no words in her screams, simply blind, animalistic anguish. The sound reminded Jack of Danny.
Jack smiled humorlessly to himself. It was the kind of smile his father would have grinned had he been with Jack on the drive over. He would have told Jack that awful joke and looked at him with that vapid look in his eyes, hoping for laughter and ease in return. He hated how his father called him Jackie Boy.
Danny’s mother fell forward, making no effort to catch herself. She crawled frantically to the empty coffin and threw herself upon it, looking almost comic because of the way her torso was lower than the rest of her body. The coffin sounded with a hollow thump and Danny’s mother continued to scream aloud to anyone who would listen. Her cries dissolved into words, prayers, and Jack wondered if she remembered that the coffin was empty. It was only a vessel on which she could focus her pain.
In a moment she would be restrained and dragged forcefully to her car, its door open and waiting to receive her, but Jack would neither see nor hear any of this, because he was busy remembering.
He was busy re-living.
Jack closed his eyes and recalled how the boy had screamed.
“Let me out! I want my mom! Please, mister, I’ll do anything you say, just please, let me out so I can see my family again. I won’t tell anyone!”
The boy was a smart one, yes. He had grown up on a diet of crime dramas and TV dinners, but he knew when to discern reality from fantasy. The boy knew this was no fantasy. He recalled an episode of Law and Order in which a character said that sometimes if predators see their victims as real people, they sympathize. Danny tried so hard to make himself real, but in the end, he just secured his non-existence.
“Please, mister. I’m just a kid. I need my parents.”
He was a smart one, that boy.
“Please. Please, please, please…”
His cries were interrupted by a monumental sob. It might’ve torn his body in half had it manifested itself in the form of a physical force.
Jack remembered how in his last days the boy’s vocabulary had dwindled down to that one word, please, repeated in the dry, tortured tones of someone who hasn’t had a sip of water in a long time, the voice of someone who knows his next word might be his last.
Jack remembered how the boy struggled against the ropes that restrained him to the wall, chafing the thin skin of his wrists and embedding fibers in his skin. He struggled while Jack ran his fingers through Danny’s hair, all the while talking to him, telling him of his own childhood, calling him Danny Boy.
Jack had killed Danny.
He held the boy prisoner in a room hidden behind the back wall of his closet. Boy, oh boy, wouldn’t the police like to know that? And wouldn’t they just love to interview him? Because he knows things that wouldn’t ever be in the papers. He knows things that no other person will ever know.
He knows what happened to Chris Chambers, Gordie LaChance, Vern Tessio, and Teddy DuChamp.
He knows what really happened to his mother, how she really died.
He saw what his father did to her.
Oh yes, Jack knows what happened to all of them and more.
And he’s been to all of their funerals.

One might say he’d acquired a taste for them.
Last edited by bigwordsarecool on Sat Jun 19, 2010 5:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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This was a good story. I liked how you described things, especially at the beginning of the story; it really sets the mood.The suspense and mystery kept me reading.The way you described Jack`s true identity was so real. You really have a knack for creating villains. You might want to consider making this a novel.

My only complaint is that you sometimes switched from present tense to past tense and back to present. Other than that, job well done. I hope I helped. P. M. if you need another review or have any questions and comments.
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden




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Wow. Such a dark story! I really hope you're just naturally talented at creating a creepy character rather than anything else! Because Jack is so... precisely what you want him to be, I think. Ve-e-e-ery nice characterisation.

Also, your comment about only saying nice things about people at funerals - I've thought that too! When I was little, I remember thinking "if I die, all that will be said is how messy I am..." Oh, naivety.

But, I wouldn't be me if I wasn't terribly pinickity, so here are my little comments for you:


No worries, Jackie Boy, the cemetery’s a prime hangout. Everybody’s dying to get in.

Gorgeous use of dark humour. Marvellous.


Jack stepped out of the car door and noticed how the heavy, moist air settled in miniscule water droplets on the fabric of his suit. Hands in pockets, he solemnly made his way to the awning under which the funeral directors always spread that awful green felt. He hated how it ran smoothly over headstones and rose in places where graves had just been filled.
Jack picked his way superstitiously around the concealed headstones and saw that any of the cheap, plastic folding chairs were empty and briefly wondered if maybe he had come too early.

Long quote (sorry) but these two paragraphs both started the same way, and there was one before that also started with "Jack" as well. I would suggest starting the second one with something like "Picking his way superstitiously around the concealed headstones, he/Jack saw that..." Just to mix it up.


He had gone missing at age seven and had been missing for an equal number of years. Now body had been found.

Whoops, typo! From your following paragraph I gather this should be "No body had..." so just a little slip, but maybe add "ever"? "No body had ever been found." Just to emphasise that it hasn't but also suggest that it never will?

Simply wonderfully written piece. Sadistic, dark, twisted. Nice one :)
~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




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Thank you, bluewaterlily. When I have a little more time, I'll go over it and try to change it to a uniform tense. It's a problem I have with my writing sometimes, tense consistency.
Cottonrulz: No, you're not being terribly picky, those are the kind of things I would pick out if I were editing it myself, and I appreciate that you took the time to read it closely enough to be able to see those flaws. I changed it up a bit, so it reads better, now.
Thanks to both of you for your kind words :D




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Wow. I really most certainly enjoyed this lol. It flowed very smoothly and I totally didn't expect him to be the killer! Love love love it haha- Vi :)
These lies are leading me astray, it's too much for me to stay. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly. I see you so please stay strong, I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone. I don't wanna live this destiny, it goes on endlessly.

This love this Hate- Hollywood Undead




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Okay, so, I'll point things out as I do my read through and then go deeper into stuff.

I really love your opening three lines. They surprise and catch the attention. You obviously know how to hook a reader, so congrats on that.

No worries, Jackie Boy, the cemetery’s a prime hangout. Everybody’s dying to get in.


If this is something has father used to say, it should probably be in speech marks, or italics, if you want to try it out that way. I really like the reveal about Jack's mother a couple of lines later.

Jack picked his way superstitiously around the concealed headstones and saw that any of the cheap,


Is "any" supposed to be "many" here? Also, you may want to watch your adverb use here. You don't use a lot of them, but just remember that 90% of the time, thye're unnecessary. If your writing is effective enough, the reader should be able to tell how the character does something. Here, the adverb's probably necessary, unless you want to spend a while making the point. Then again, it might be worth saying how his father always taught him not to walk on the tombstones because of whatever reason. Could add some interesting character.

He walked to the wearing a black veil and shuddering quietly in the front row.


Are you missing a word here? Perhaps "woman"? Here's an example of an unnecessary adverb, by the way. Most people don't shudder noisily. xD

regarding everyone present with harsh and judgmental eyes.


...why? Maybe this'll come into it later, but that's really inappropriate for a priest at a funeral.

Nothing bad is ever said about the dead.


I really like the way you contrast the length of the paragraphs. Even though it's third person, a lot of the character seems to be coming through here, and it seems really natural, although first person might be something to think about.

It might’ve torn his body in half had it manifested itself in the form of a physical force.


I'm conflictedover this line. It's good and all, but it seems so over the top and melodramatic. I think it doesn't quite fit with the tone of the rest of the piece.

Jack remembered how in his last days the boy’s vocabulary had dwindled down to that one word, please,


You can get rid of the "please." It's the last word the kid said, so we know what word Jack's thinking of. You don't need to repeat it.

He knows what happened to Chris Chambers, Gordie LaChance, Vern Tessio, and Teddy DuChamp.


XD I thought those names were familiar. Nice reference?

I really like your ending, as well.

Okay, I'll get down to some more stuff, now, although it's mostly positive. Do you think you'll ever write more from this character's point of view? I wrote a story similar to this once, and I wanted to continue it, but I never ended up doing it. I think it'd be a waste to leave this concept at just this story, as your writing style seems to suit the character really well. He's interesting, too.

I'm not sure how well the present tense suits this. Your writing was good enough that it was fairly easy to forget about the tense, but it did come across as a little jarring at the beginning. It's also the sort of insular character piece that would probably go down better in first person, because you deal a lot with history that comes across as telling because of how it's placed in the narrative.

And, there's nothing else I really have to say. I really liked your piece. There were some parts that were done really well. If there's anything I said that doesn't make sense (and that would not be surprising XD), send me a PM. I'd be glad to help out. Hope this review gave you something useful to think about.

-Mat




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Thanks violetjune :)

And Insomnia, thanks so much for taking the time to read through this and point out the story's flaws. I'll respond to you in parts so I can make sure to address everything you pointed out.

The first quote that you pointed out was in italics with the original formatting. I have this story saved in a Word document, so I just copy-pasted and didn't bother to look at whether it translated correctly.

I'll probably axe "superstitiously" because it is unnecessary and it just sounds wrong there, messes up the rhythm or something and yes, I did mean "many."

"Woman" is supposed to be there, yes, and I need to re-work that line as I didn't mean that the shuddering itself was quiet, I just wanted to point out that the woman was so that it would be contrasted with her hysteria later on as the coffin is being lowered.

The priest detail kind of throws off the story because it detracts from the plot. I'm thinking I probably meant to develop this further and just forgot, but I wanted it to speak to Jack's character as opposed to the priest's. I forgot to develop Jack's twisted view of the world, specifically seemingly benevolent authority figures.

Haha, yeah, I was kind of obsessed with Stand By Me and "The Body" when I wrote this :) I still love them.

Again, thanks for the review :D




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Hey so I really enjoyed the story great job. i just ave some questions.

Does Jacks father kill Chris Chambers, Gordie LaChance, Vern Tessio, and Teddy DuChamp as well as his mother, or was it jack?

Did jack learn killing from his father? or is it something they both just have a urge for?

You don't have to answer these in the story. I'm just Curious.

Ttfn tat for now -Rain :)



Human minds are more full of mysteries than any written book and more changeable than the cloud shapes in the air.
— Louisa May Alcott