Prophecy (Chapter one)

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*sorry i havent posted anything new...*

Chapter 1

“Jessika! Wake up! If you don’t, you will be late for school! AGAIN!” my mother warned me as she opened my blinds in my total-gloomy room.

I groaned as I sat up from my warm bed. “Why do they even have school on Friday? No one comes anyways!”

My mother snorted (she always does this) “Because it’s still a weekday, and parents need to go to work. Come on, I made your favorite breakfast: waffles with peanut butter and syrup.”

My stomach growled as I, literally, hopped out of bed. “Okay! Now that is what I’m talking about!” I yelled. “I’ll be down in a couple of minutes, mum.”

As soon as my mother closed my door, I ran to the bathroom for a five minute shower. After I got out, I brushed my white hair (it doesn’t make me look old), added black eyeliner and mascara. Then got dressed in my favorite outfit: a blood red blouse, black skinny jeans, and red converse, then ran down the stairs.

I almost ran into my nerd-of-a-brother Dan, as I entered the kitchen. He shoved me away and muttered, “Sorry,” and ran up the stairs.

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked as I got my plate and sat down at our dark oak table.

“Oh? Well we wouldn’t let him stay at his friend’s house, so he is having a fit,” my dad said as he read the newspaper (yes my family still reads the newspaper.)

“Do you mean Stanley’s?” I asked a mouth full of food.

“Yes, Jessika, and don’t talk with your mouth full.” My mother scolded at me.

I swallowed my food and whispered, “Yes ma’am.” My watch started to beeping, to tell me that I would be late for school. So I gobbled down the rest of my breakfast, my milk, grabbed my schoolbag, and then ran out the door with a good-bye to my parents.

While I was walking towards Westside High School, like I have been doing since 9th, 10th, and now 11th grade, I felt like someone was watching me. I stopped and looked around and saw no one in sight. I shook my head; it made my bleach blonde hair fall around my face, and started to continue walking toward the school.

That was not the only thing that was unusually that happened; people started to ignore me, even my teachers! I don’t know what is going on, but I did not like it at all. After the final bell, I shoved all my books in my locker (I did’t have any homework.) I never got ignored in my life. It felt a little depressing to me. I mean, i dont have but a couople of freinds, but it just seemed like I was never at this school to begin with!

Since I am almost 17, I got a job at IHOP. My pay is average for a waitress. I don’t know how, but in the past month, I have gotten more graceful, and I am really clumsy.

My shift ends at 7:30, which for the afternoon, it is pitch black. I exchanged my apron for my skull jacket. As I headed out the door, my boss asked me if I could take the garbage out, I said sure. I got the big black plastic bag and threw it in the dumpster. As I started to walk away, I heard something.

I turned around, but no one was there, so I started walking home again. About five minutes later, I heard it yet again, but it was closer now. I looked another time and I admit that I was getting a little freighted. I started to run home and ran into someone!

“Oh!” I exclaimed. “I’m sorry. I thought I heard someone…I guess it was you.” I tried to look closer to the person who I ran into; it looked like a woman with a black hood/cape.I tried to step around her, but she grabbed the upper part of my left arm.

“Let go of me,” I commanded calmly, but forcefully.Her hand started to burn. She let go of my arm with a yelp.

As soon as she let go of me, I started to sprint. I looked back behind me, and as soon I turned back, I skidded to a stop. I can understand one person after me, but ten, no eleven, sorry. Eleven people with capes formed a circle around me.

I tried to sound calm, but I don’t think it sound cool, “Um. Hi. I don’t think this is very fair, one against 11.” I laughed softly.The group of people stepped in closer.

“What do you people want from me?!” I yelled, “My money? I’m broke!” I saw my vision go blurry. What a time to be a baby! I thought to myself.

“Stop!” a feminine voice commanded from outside the circle.The people stopped and looked back, and then they split into two sections.

The woman stepped into the circle and took off her hood. She had red eyes and short cropped multi-colored hair.She must have seen the look on my face because she chuckled softly, “I know. I don’t look like a headmaster, right?”

One of the other hooded people stepped inward a step and bowed. “My lady, you probably don’t look like a headmaster, but you act like one, ma’am.”

The ‘headmaster’ turned her head towards the gentleman and smiled, “thank you, Gillard.”

I shook my head slightly, “’Headmaster’? Of What school?”

The woman smiled, “no, my child. We are not from a school. We are from Luna Night Academy, or LMA, as we like to call it.”

“Luna Night Academy? I don’t think this is funny! I never even heard of it!!” I almost screamed.

“Hey!” the one she call Gillard growled. “Don’t you disrespect the headmaster!”

“Gillard.” The headmaster said softly. “I don’t think that she meant to scream. She is just confused about us, that’s all”

“Yeah. A little confused, that’s all.” I scoffed.

The headmaster laughed. “You sure have a lot of bravery, to be talking to us like that.”The next thing I knew, I was being tied. My feet were tied loose, but my hands, behind my back, were tied tightly.

“What are you doing?! I screamed. “I didn’t do any-“the one I ran into shoved a piece of cloth in my mouth.I felt tears roll down my cheeks. I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening, but I didn’t like the pain in my shoulders.The headmaster leaned down to look me in the eyes.

“You will wake up in an unfamiliar place. Don’t struggle, okay?” she commanded

I nodded, even thou I felt my eyelids grow heavier. The last thing I felt and heard is that someone kissed my forehead and whispered, “I wish you a few good nights sleep, my sweet little prophecy.”
Last edited by jolene on Fri Jul 09, 2010 7:30 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Hi! I'm here to review your piece!

Goodjob. You left the reader with a cliffhanger that makes us want to read more. I liked this piece, but there are some issues that stand out. My biggest problem is the pace. You skip from one place to another without giving us any detail what is happening. This down here is an example:



That was not the only thing that was unusually that happened; people started to ignore me, even my teachers! I don’t know what is going on, but I do not like it at all. After the final bell, I shoved all my books in my locker (I don’t have any homework.)


Not much earlier, you were describing her walk to school. Then you said this. This doesn't let the reader relate to how the MC is feeling. I suggest pausing in the story line here and tell us how she feels about being ignored. Something more than a simple, "I don't like it at all".

My other issue is that you switch from present tense to past tense a lot. Stick to one tense, and I will love you forever. The quote above is an example of your habit to switch tenses. The red sentences are the past tense, and the green are the present.

What I did like is the charm of the main character, the occasion cute joke, and the premise. This is good, just pay attention to these issues. Keep it up!
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Alrighty. I am going to be brutally honest with you, so I suggest you either brace yourself or don't read.

To be blunt, this was bad. Where to start? Well, for one, the grammar really wasn't up to scratch, especially the dialogue punctuation. You also had a couple of incorrect word and your tense kept shifting (is this in the past or are you telling things as they happen?). In addition, the dialogue was very unrealistic; it didn't sound like anything a real person would say. Because of this, your characters felt flat and not-real, and I was almost giggling from the cheesiness of the last part.

Your pacing was much too fast. Everything just happens without any build up to it or time for the reader to settle into the story. Part of this is due to the telling -- every aspect of the narrator's life is told to us, and there aren't many descriptions. You tell us that she's being followed by people with cloaks. Why is this terrifying? Describe it to us. Draw out the tension of the chase. Make us feel the terror the character is feeling. Right now, there is none of this, and it makes your story read flatly.

As far as description goes, what little you had was infodumped upon us, which made it not only boring, but unpleasant to read. Spread out your descriptions more; weave them into the narrative. Also, don't rely so much on general adjectives and adverbs. Descriptive verbs can add an amazing dimension to your writing, and common adjectives are really quite vague. For example, there are thousands of shades of blue; how is the reader to know which shade you're talking about if you don't specify it and only use "blue"? They can't.

Overall, work on your dialogue; pay attention to how real people speak and try to emulate it in your own writing. Incorporate more description; show us thing rather than telling us, and make us feel what the characters feel. Also, make sure your grammar is correct; having incorrect grammar makes you look like you don't know how to write properly, which means that fewer people will be willing to read your writing.
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Okay, overall I thought this piece could have been great with a little work. It had a nice plot, a solid character that we're starting to get a feel for, and a decent dialogue. There are a few things to be done to bring this work up to par.

1) Italics
In the sentence below, your character is obviously thinking. Traditionally though, all thoughts are put in italics to distinguish them from what's actually happening.
You wrote:
I saw my vision go blurry. What a time to be a baby! I thought to myself.

What it should have been:

I saw my vision go blurry. What a time to be a baby! I thought.*
*She is the only one that can hear her thoughts

2) Story
Overall it had a pretty good plot, although I have a creeping suspicion that this might have something to do with vampires and/or other mythical creatures of that type. Then again, I may be wrong, but just be sure to stay original.

3) Your Character
We haven't really been introduced to the character yet, although we know that she's confident due to the way she spoke to the eleven strangers. I'd really like to see more description of her as well.

4) Speed
You sped things along rather quickly, which would have been slightly excusable if this had been a prologue, but due to the fact that this was your first chapter, it was too fast. If someone had skimmed through the first chapter at a bookstore, perhaps, they might have had trouble understanding the plot and what's happening.

5) Dialogue and Description
Your dialogue was decent, but you had little description. Thus far we have no clue what our MC looks like, who her friends are, what her school looks like, and about the cloaked people. As readers, we like to get a firm grasp on our MC and their lives before jumping into an action scene.

The story was pretty good; I definitley encourage you to keep writing this piece.

Glad I could help,
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Hello there.

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with the overall impression.

He shoved me away and[color=#FF0000],[/color] muttering, “Sorry,” and ran up the stairs.

I think the sentence was a little repetitive with all the ands... Maybe this is better?

My watch started to beep, to telling me that I would be late for school.

You can't say started to beeping.

I shook my head; it made my bleached blond hair fall around my face, and started to continued walking towards the school.


That was not the only thing that was unusually that happened; people started to ignore me, even my teachers! I don’t know what is going on, but I did not like it at all. After the final bell, I shoved all my books in my locker (I didn’t have any homework.) I never got ignored in my life. It felt a little depressing to me. I mean, I don't have but a couople couple of freinds friends, but it just seemed like I was never at this school to begin with!

This part isn't much making sense... She was walking to school a minute ago, and then she's packing her bag to go home and talking about her day. I think you should definitely write something about the day passing by.
Since I am almost 17, I got a job at IHOP. My pay is average for a waitress. I don’t know how, but in the past month, I have gotten more graceful, and I am really clumsy.

And then you jump again to her job. And again to how clumsy she was before. We need to know these things, because it probably has something to do with the plot and everything, but you can say it to us not as randomly as this... Oh, and what is IHOP? We need to know this kind of information, because honestly I don't know what it is. All I know is that's it's a restaurant.

I looked another time and I admit that I was getting a little freighted frightened .


“What are you doing?!" I screamed.


I nodded, even though I felt my eyelids grow heavier.


I'm done for the nitpicks. Now for the overall impression! I kind of agree with Kyllorac here... You don't make us feel enough. We're not in Jessika's skin enough. I get that it's only the first chapter, but you have to make us feel like we are the main character. Like these things are really happening to us. Another thing is that some parts are a little choppy. The beginning is great, but then she goes to school and it's really not detailed enough and it's choppy... You might want to write a little more about her day, or when she goes to work. It happens to fast. Other than that, it was great. I feel like there's something happening with vampires, or werewolves... I don't have anything against them, but I really hope you can make a story different from what we've already all read.

Keep writing! And you can PM me if you want me to review anything else, or if you just want to ask questions. :)

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Hey! Charlotte here!

I like the feel of the story.
but I think it's going too fast.
I mean that at the beginning you were talking about her walk to school and now you're talking about her getting kidnapped.
You are missing a lot of detail too. I like to have sensory details when I read a book so that I can tell what the character is thinking and feeling and seeing. Your details are too vague.
I think that you should put a space between the quotations and the beginning of a new sentence.
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