Under My Skin (edited)

Hello everyone! There was a 40-minute free time before dismissal. I know, a 40-minute free time? Believe me.
Yep, it's pretty time-consuming if I just stared blankly on the board and daydream, so I decided to write this poem. Not good at poems but I hope this will be worth the time.



His gaze locks into her hazel eyes,
Innocent smiles that seems
To brighten up his side
Cheeks like fresh roses,
And wavy locks tickling,
Jealousy starts to flow under my skin.

Her gaze locks into his blue eyes,
Sweet smile turns into heaven
Lightening up as the sun
Sparkling teeth under those lips,
His soft skin, caressing hers
Jealousy starts to flow under my skin.




I just would like to say 'thank you' for those reviewers who have commented in my poem and thanks in advance to those people who will!

Well let's see. I totally SUCK at reviewing poems. But I really like this poem, because it's something I think we all can relate to in some way.

Sparkling teeth under

Ok I don't 100% get this line, but like I said. I SUCK at reviewing poems.

I like your work! Keep on writing!

~LPR

"Innocent smiles that seemed to
Brighten up his side
Seems like a weird line break, perhaps "Innocent smiles that seemed/ To brighten up his side?"

"Cheeks like fresh roses,
And wavy locks tickling it,"
I think you probably wanted to use the word "tickling" for its connotation, but the addition of "it" right after makes it sound abrupt, I suppose, like a slightly off rhythm.

"Sparkling teeth under"
Sparkling seems like maybe the wrong word. It connotes glittering more than the brightness of a smile, like something with a textured shine as opposed to the even sheen of white teeth.

"Jealousy started to flow under my skin"
I understand the wanting to mimic the ending line of the last stanza, but the changing of the tense kind of throws off the rhythm.

Hi Yuriiko, Its me CaptianRandom,
I enjoyed this poem, it shows people how jealousy can occur when someone else has something that you want, that may not be what you were thinking but that's what i got from this poem. On another note, good length and not word blobs i liked how you spaced it out. I thought it was good for a poem.

-CaptianRandom

Hey Yuriiko! You still continue to blow me away! What an amazing piece! Everything was in perfect balance! You seem to be a dictionary and a thesaurus in one. It had great emotion in it which made it a delight to read. The length of each line and stanza was good. Continue to write these and I'll continue top review them.

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter