Love Life

Love Life

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I eased the shiny bullet
into the waiting gun.
I cocked it with one sudden
motion, then held it in my hand.

I thrust it into my throat.
I threw my head back and moaned -
Wrapped my lips around the warm barrel.

Pulled the trigger so hard - bang!
Lead unloaded in my mouth.

Blood dripped from the corner of my lip.

I like it. It's different. A quick poem about suicide written perfectly... and sort of in a happy way. Well, not really happy but it doesn't make you sad. Just one thing; why is it called Love Life?
Hmmm... something I will ponder until you reply.
Smashles

smashles wrote:I like it. It's different. A quick poem about suicide written perfectly... and sort of in a happy way. Well, not really happy but it doesn't make you sad. Just one thing; why is it called Love Life?
Hmmm... something I will ponder until you reply.
Smashles

Thanks!

I was attempting to put duel meaning to the act of suicide. All of the scene could be read metaphorically in a sexual context. The stanzas diminish in lines to dramatize it. My "suicidal" rough love life is what I wanted to portray.

This a brilliant and snappy portrayle of suicide, which most people always go on to describe their rubbish lives and how they are sad about doing it, but the way you have written it you make it sound like he welcomes it, and is happy to do it, which is an amazing way to write it. But I also love how it seems that he is somewhat passionate about the gun, as if it was actually his partner (his lover ect.).
Might just be my own viewpoint, but never-the-less absoloutley faboulous poem! PLEASE keep on writing

Your ever-warm reviewer, Nova!

9/10.

nova wrote::) This a brilliant and snappy portrayle of suicide, which most people always go on to describe their rubbish lives and how they are sad about doing it, but the way you have written it you make it sound like he welcomes it, and is happy to do it, which is an amazing way to write it. But I also love how it seems that he is somewhat passionate about the gun, as if it was actually his partner (his lover ect.).
Might just be my own viewpoint, but never-the-less absoloutley faboulous poem! PLEASE keep on writing

Your ever-warm reviewer, Nova!

9/10.

"Snappy" I love that! Thanks!

EDIT: Is it normal to reply via posting or pming?

Hello there
There was a lot going on in my head as I read this. I even held my throat a couple of times. Good job on this one. I really could imagine everything as you described it. I'm not sure about the last line though, can blood just drip from the corner of your lip after all that? I would imagine the scene a bit more messy, but anyhow good job.
Ziggie

inkwell wrote:EDIT: Is it normal to reply via posting or pming?

Whatever you prefer I normally reply via posting, seeing how it includes whats happening on that forum. PM'ing is for personal conversations or requests ect.

Hope I helped!

Personally, I think that this would sound a lot more dramatic if it was in the third person. What do you think?

He eased the shiny bullet
into the waiting gun.
He cocked it with one sudden
motion, then held it in his hand.

He thrusts it into his throat.
He threw his head back and moaned -
Wrapped his lips around the warm barrel.

Pulled the trigger so hard - bang!
Lead unloaded in his mouth.

Blood dripped from the corner of his lip.

Also, these line:

Wrapped my lips around the warm barrel.

Pulled the trigger so hard - bang!

Would it make more sense to be 'Wrapping' instead of wrapped? And 'Pulling' instead of pulled? I don't know, up to you.

That's the thing about poetry, the rules can always be bent and broken.

You do not have to change the person, I was just trying to show you something from another POV. Good luck and keep writing, you've got some talent in the dramatic. If anything was repeated, please accept my apology. I do not read former reviews on a poem or story.

P.S Awesome title.

ziggiefred wrote:Hello there
There was a lot going on in my head as I read this. I even held my throat a couple of times. Good job on this one. I really could imagine everything as you described it. I'm not sure about the last line though, can blood just drip from the corner of your lip after all that? I would imagine the scene a bit more messy, but anyhow good job.
Ziggie

I agree, last line is iffy. Thanks for reply!

Would it make more sense to be 'Wrapping' instead of wrapped? And 'Pulling' instead of pulled? I don't know, up to you.

That's the thing about poetry, the rules can always be bent and broken.

You do not have to change the person, I was just trying to show you something from another POV. Good luck and keep writing, you've got some talent in the dramatic. If anything was repeated, please accept my apology. I do not read former reviews on a poem or story.

P.S Awesome title.

Thanks for replying! I'm glad your showing that different point of view. I think when the narrator speaks about it himself though, it has a less indifferent tone. Just my feeling.