Young Writers Society

Rated +16 for violence. I think....
Chapter 1,
Near the town of Faith there was beautiful forest. In the forest you could hear the chattering of animals as they scurry around. The birds sang as they flew under and around the trees. A canopy of leaves above swayed in the early spring breeze. The late noon sun shone through the leaves of the trees, scattering light around.
Walking in the forest was a young girl. She kept her hand on the hilt of a sheathed sword she had tied to her side. The girl paid no mind to any of the beauty around her. She came to a stop near two trees to rest. She was about to keep going when a voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Hello, Miss?” Someone said. Behind her stood a short, portly man with dark eyes, and black buzz cut hair. A small colorful bag was tied to his right arm.
“Hello,” she replied.
“Excuse me, Ma’am, but are you lost? You’ve been wandering around a lot,” he asked.
“No, Sir. Thank you for your concern.” She flashed a smile and turned on her heels to walk away.
“Wait,” He said.
She did and sighed turning back to him.
“What is your name?” he asked.
“Taralyn, but call me Tara,” she answered. “Now what is your name?”
The man raised his chin proudly and said “My name is Farsto the second."
"Farsto?"
"Yep. My father was the first of course," he explained while untied two strings on his arm bag. He reached into the bag to pull out a rag but something else came out and fell to the ground before he could catch it. A dagger! Automatically she slid her sword halfway out of the sheath.
Her heart thumped seeing it. "Why do you have that?"
Farsto grinned picking it up. "For my safety," he assured. When he had leaned down a piece of paper fell from the bag.
"Oh, you dropped something." Tara picked it up and stared at a seal on the paper. The seal light purple G in a circle of vines. The G meant 'Garnello' which was bad. To her anyway.
Farsto let out a yelp and grabbed it from her hand.
"You're here to capture me aren't you? My father sent you!" Tara pulled her sword all the way out of its sheath.
"I guess since my cover is already blown... Yes, your father wants you home."
"So, I am not going home."
Farsto shrugged and pointed his dagger at her. "I was sent by your father and he is expecting me to bring you back. I intend to do that."
"You'll have to fight me first."
"What ever you want," Farsto snarled. Farsto lunged to attack first and made contact with her blade. She ducked as he swung the dagger toward her head. She was new at sword wielding and didn’t know exactly what to do. As her sword only made contact with his arm.
Tara lunged forcibly ahead and Farsto moved away. As Tara stumbled to gain her balance he took the chance to shove her hard against a tree. All the breath was knocked out of her as she slid down the tree. Blood trickled from her head and her surroundings became dark.
"Uh oh," Farsto gulped, "Don't tell me I killed her!"
Through slitted eyes Tara's last sights before passing out were Farsto putting away his dagger then running off.

This is just some of my story... I hope you enjoyed it.

Hey Purple, there is just some things I caught that could be edited. I don't mean to hurt your feelings in any way. (:

Everything I write will be in red.

ladypurple wrote:Chapter 1
In a forest by a town called faith a girl was walking to that very town. She had her hand on the hilt of the sword on her side in its sheath. This doesn't flow right, maybe try rewording.
The trees around ranged from birches, oaks, maples, and cedars and unseen animals chattered as unseen birds sung. Again, this doesn't seem to flow well.The late noon sun shone through the leaves of the trees, scattering light around.
A light breeze picked up. Even with the beauty around her the girl didn’t pay attention to it.
She came to a stop near two birches to rest.
The girl was slender, petite, and tall. The tone of her skin was olive colored with eyes like crystal blue gems. Her hair was a chestnut brown that cascaded to her waist in wavy locks.
She was about to keep going when a voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Hello, Miss?” Someone said.
She turned and there behind her was a short, portly man. He had dark eyes and black buzz cut hair.
A small colorful bag was tied to his right arm.
“Hello,” she replied.
“Excuse me, Ma’am, but are you lost? You’ve been wandering around a lot,” He asked.
“No, Sir. Thank you for your concern.” She flashed a smile and turned on her heels to walk away.
“Wait,” He said.
She did and sighed turning back to him.
“What is your name?” he asked.
“Taralyn, but call me Tara,” she answered.
Not that you ever will again that is. She added in her head.
“Now what is your name?” Tara asked.
The man raised his chin, proud of something unknown.
“My name is Farsto the second,” he said oh so proud of the name like he was announcing that his name was royal.
Tara suppressed a laugh.
So there’s another poor guy with that name? She thought then lost her hold on her laughing and let it out.
Farsto looked at her and squinted.
“What are you laughing at?” he asked.
“I’m sorry sir but…please don’t get offended but…” she paused to get composer, "But what kind of name is Farsto?”
“It is a name that I and my father are proud of thank you very much!” Farsto said defensively.
“Maybe you are but I doubt that father of yours is,” she joked.
Farsto growled and reached for the little colorful bag on his arm and pulled a string on it, opening it.
He reached into the bag and a glint from the bag made Tara hold the hilt of her sword again.
“You should take that back my dear or you will be sorry,” Farsto threatened.
He pulled a small dagger with most of its blade covered by a rag. He pulled the rag off and pointed the curved dagger at her.
“Now are you going to take that back?” Farsto asked with a very serious look.
“No,” she replied.
“I’ll give you one more chance. Take that back and say at least one good thing about my name and I will forget this all,” he said.
“I don’t think so,” Tara said staying put.
“Then it’s a fight you want is what it sounds like,” Farsto said.
“I will if I have to,” Tara replied.
“Fine,” Farsto snarled. He lunged and Tara moved back with each of his swings.
She pulled her sword out of the sheath and used it to deflect Farsto’s dagger.
She ducked as he swiped the dagger at her head.
Crap he’s fighting to the death huh? She thought.
The blade of her sword didn’t do much damage. she could just get only a few cuts on his arms. Also she was new at sword wielding so she didn’t know exactly what to do.
Farsto lunged forward to stab her in the stomach then Tara swiped her sword up and hit the dagger. The dagger flew from his hand and landed in the bark of a tree behind them. Tara raised her sword.
“You sure don’t seem like the killing type,” Farsto commented.
She wasn’t going to kill him. Then why was her sword raised?
She lowered her sword down and slid it into the sheath.
A smirk formed on Farsto’s mouth and he jumped up. Before she could get out her sword again he grabbed her arms and held them to her sides.
“This should teach you,” Farsto said.
He shoved her, running, until she hit her back on a tree. Then he let go.
All the breath was knocked out of her as she slid down the tree. Blood trickled from her head and her surroundings became dark. This to me doesn't sound realistic. I don't think someone would try to kill another for laughing at their name.
Her last sights before passing out were Farsto spitting on the ground in front of her then walking away to get his dagger out of the bark of the tree it hit then leaving.
Soon she fainted.

Another thing that seemed to bother me is that the reader doesn't really feel like they know when this is taking place. In some things she says, it seemes like they are from today, and there are things that signal that it isn't. Also, you don't explain why or what she is doing in the woods. Try leaving hints throughout the chapter.

Overall:
I think this will be interesting to read, it just needs more looking over. That's all for now, good job! Can't wait to read more. (:

First off, I would like to say that the narration feels very blah to me, and the description feels like it's grinding the story to a halt. We first see the main character, then the woods, then, all of a sudden, we're back to the main character. It makes for an uncomfortable read, and it feels like the story and writing style have absolutely nothing in common, as if they are separate entities bickering with one another. Try keeping focus on the story and characters, slipping description in here and there when appropriate, and think about which words are best for the situation.

Another thing I noticed was how specific the narration was. You describe all the species of trees in the forest yet they bear no significance to the story, thus making the long list of tree species tiring and pointless. When you proofread, ask yourself, "What parts are needed to give a feel for the environment? What can I cut out?" Which leads me to my next point. The narrative is quite repetitive, often using the same word or a synonym in one or successive sentences. This will grate on a reader's nerves, so it helps to look over for anything that comes up more than once too soon.

Another thing is on dialogue. Dialogue tags are needed to establish who's speaking and when, but if only two are speaking then it's best to drop them after who's saying what is clear. It's a few less words to read and it allows the characters to speak with their own personalities.

All in all, this needs a lot of work, especially on narrative style. Proofreading is in order, and I recommend consulting grammar resources, as there was improper punctuation and capitalization in some places. PM me if you have questions.

Hi!

Okay, so, the first thing I noticed when I clicked on the link to give you a review was that the story's first few lines didn't exactly draw me in. Describing the setting of a story just flat-out, in my opinion, isn't the right thing to do if you wish to catch the reader's fancy. If you have any fiction books laying around you as you are reading this review, pick one or two up. If you notice, the stories tend to start with a fast-paced action, or a line that sets the tone of the story.

((Just for an example, I have the book "Invisible Monsters" by Chuck Palahniuk by me, which is definitely my favorite book of all time. It starts with "Where you're supposed to be is some big West Hills wedding reception with flower arrangements and stuffed mushrooms all over the house. This is called a scene setting: where everybody is, who's alive, who's dead. This is Evie Cottrell's big wedding reception moment. Evie is standing halfway down the staircase in the manor house foyer, naked inside what's left of her wedding dress, still holding her rifle."

Did you see how the author automatically starts with a paragraph that, while telling of the setting, also includes that last line? ))

Okay, moving on from that. (( I didn't expect to spend that much time on that point. ^.^;)) Next, you start describing the main character's appearance right off. You don't need to do this automatically. While, as an author, you may want the readers to see your character vividly, you can leave some to the imagination. You can also just drop hints at her looks during the story.

Okay, last thing. The dialogue of your characters, while okay, is a bit...oh, flat? Sorry if that's a bit rude...I'm not trying to be. To help with this, listen to how others speak. As you're typing, trying saying what you are writing out loud if you can. Keep this in mind: Would someone talk like this in everyday conversation?

I am working on this part so please go easy on me! Also thank you for the reviews.

Okay, I read this again, and it is better than when I first read it. It seemed more realistic, and a good way to start this off. Let me know when you have the next part! (: