You're Still Here

Still here

I fall into a world that doesn’t want to catch me
It blackens as it fades away
Leaving just traces of hope and love
Speaking of words no one wants to say
It hurts just like you knew it would
Pulling at my open seams
It bleeds as it slowly breaks my heart
My mouth is open but I can’t scream

You move and it tugs at my tears
Their paths slowly tracking down my face
Uttering songs of memories
My smile has fallen from its place
I don’t know what it means anymore
What the difference is between dying and life?
There’s only a thick border of faith
I could cut it with a knife

A knife that’s sharp from wounding
From tearing a life to shreds
We watch as they are thrown into the air
And drift back down to comfort the dead
White roses wilt as no one speaks
Water builds in their empty eyes
Their deafening silence pierces our hearts
As you circle the darkening skies

I try to utter words of freedom
To say what people need to hear
But I cannot drown out the hurting
Because inside you are still here
Your clear eyes still draw my smile
Your breath still caresses my cheek
Your scent still lingers on my clothes
Your voice still makes me go weak

How can I forget you like they tell me to?
When your face still haunts my dreams?
Every waking second is filled with thoughts of you
They don’t understand what it means
I can’t let go of everything
When my heart still cries for you
I don’t want to let go of the love I hold
But this isn’t the world we knew

And as I stand here
Placing white rose petals by your side
I know secretly that you’re not gone
We’re not really saying goodbye
And this thought spurs a smile
That wipes away my frown
That blossoms into a delicate laugh
While people start to turn around

But I’m too busy running
Running away from their shocked state
Don’t they realise it’s not over
That it’s never too late
I stand on the beach we love
The cold salt water tickling my toes
As I tilt my head back, remembering
And letting the wind take away my woes

I know that you’re smiling
And that you’re happy now that you’re free
I just hope that wherever you are
You must promise not to forget me
Because I know that what we had was special
And I may not feel it again for some time
But that doesn’t mean that it’s over
It’s just takes a while to finish the climb

So please remember that I love you
And that you travel in my heart
And while I’ve got to begin my life now
You will always remain a part

Forever

And always

I love you



Thank you and please review btw this isn't an account of something that has happened to me, it's just a poem that kind of blurted out of me if you know what i mean.
Thanks

x

I fall into a world that doesn’t want to catch me
It blackens as it fades away
Leaving just traces of hope and love
Speaking of words no one wants to say
It hurts just like you knew it would
Pulling at my open seams
It bleeds as it slowly breaks my heart
My mouth is open but I can’t scream

break this first stanza after what I put in bold. This builds the suspense and it creates a message that crystallizes. It heightens the sense of despair.

You move and it tugs at my tears

what exactly is it? I believe you are speaking about the world, but would be best to clarify here so the reader does not get confused.
Their paths slowly tracking down my face

Uttering songs of memories

This seems out of place for this poem as it does not relate much to what I have read. This again can be confusing to reader so I would delete this from your poem.

My smile has fallen from its place

This is a perfect line, but i would like to see this particular line extended a bit to emphasize the dread of this person.

What the difference is between dying and life?

This is not a question, rather a statement unless you place is right after what. That is just a grammatical thing.

There’s only a thick border of faith
I could cut it with a knife

This statement contradicts itself for if it is thick then how could a knife cut it, unless you were to put something to where the border may be thick but weak, or the knife feeds off of the despair, of the grief this person feels and that makes it all the stronger.

A knife that’s sharp from wounding
From tearing a life to shreds

This is just literal thinking, but wounding and cutting make a knife dull. From my experience with this type of imagery, make it seem like the knife hungers for more as it cuts, and that gives it power to go on, an insatiable appetite that cannot be quelled unless there is more blood to be had.

We watch as they are thrown into the air

Are they the pieces of flesh if so show that with a bit more gruesome imagery to compliment the next few lines.

And drift back down to comfort the dead
White roses wilt as no one speaks

These lines are my personal favorite for they show the gruesome nature of what has happened and at the same time show innocence. Good job here.

Water builds in their empty eyes
Their deafening silence pierces our hearts
As you circle the darkening skies

I like this transition.

I try to utter words of freedom
To say what people need to hear delete this because it does not help the poem very much.
But I cannot drown out the hurting
Because inside you are still here
Your clear eyes still draw my smile
Your breath still caresses my cheek
Your scent still lingers on my clothes
Your voice still makes me go weak

For the second section in bold go back and look at this, because I can tell you this part is a little boring and brings down the overall great quality of your poem quite a bit to me. I would say reword that section, but it is up to you.

How can I forget you like they tell me to?
When your face still haunts my dreams?

This section is not a question so delete that question mark. It also brings down the next line underneath it.

Every waking second is filled with thoughts of you
They don’t understand what it means
I can’t let go of everything

turn this into another stanza.

When my heart still cries for you

Expand this idea of you call, crying so the reader really understands the message. Make an emphasis on calling here as the poem begins to wind down.

And as I stand here
Placing white rose petals by your side
I know secretly that you’re not gone
We’re not really saying goodbye
And this thought spurs a smile
That wipes away my frown
That blossoms into a delicate laugh
While people start to turn around

But I’m too busy running
Running away from their shocked state
Don’t they realise it’s not over
That it’s never too late
I stand on the beach we love
The cold salt water tickling my toes
As I tilt my head back, remembering
And letting the wind take away my woes

There is a big gap here in this stanza. You have to bridge the two ideas that you have just told us. You cannot simply be peaceful one moment and then be running the next. Show a sense of fear here, and disdain for those people, it will help a lot.

I know that you’re smiling
And that you’re happy now that you’re free
I just hope that wherever you are
You must promise not to forget me
Because I know that what we had was special
And I may not feel it again for some time
But that doesn’t mean that it’s over
It’s just takes a while to finish the climb

So please remember that I love you
And that you travel in my heart
And while I’ve got to begin my life now
You will always remain a part

Forever

And always

I love you

This is a good way to end this poem. Overall good poem, but watch your rhyming because some was off, and others were weak. I hope I helped you a little, because I would love to see this poem become great when it is perfected. Keep writing.

The first five stanzas read like a typical teen angst poem. They were all so vague and used such common phrasings, it almost put me to sleep. I also didn't pick up on the rhyme until the third stanza because a lot of the rhymes were quite weak. I suggest either cutting all five stanzas completely or condensing their content into one, at most two, stanzas.

The rest of the poem, however, was pretty interesting in how the narrator reacted to the whole situation. I think you could have made it more interesting if you'd incorporated some unique imagery that reinforced her reaction since right now, it all reads literally. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I like poems that have several possible interpretations versus ones that have only one literal meaning.

Overall, though the rhyme itself was weak, this poem had a pretty good flow. The lack of punctuation actually didn't irritate me as much as it usually does, though I still think having it would be a good idea.