Prologue and Chapter One: A new beginning

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Hey guys :)
this is my first time posting a chapter to a novel, I have been wanting to write this book for a long time now, but have just never really had the chance. All comments are welcome and I apologize for any editing mistakes that I may have made. Please enjoy reading.
Dacoozed

prologue:
You would think i was a sad kid if you knew my story, you would question why i just went on with the life i had and made no complaints. that's what I'm here for, to tell you my story.
The name is Grant Martin, I'm twenty two years old and have a degree in photography. I never knew my mother, she left when I was four and my brother and dad were the two most important people in my life. They both died in my young years, but that never stopped me from being successful, I knew God had a plan for my life and that it was all up to him. I never had many friends growing up because I liked to be by myself most of the time, although, the only best friend I ever had was a guy by the name of Eric swan, his dad and my dad were quite close. I lost contact with Eric and his family when my brother died, my dad wanted to leave and go to a small unknown town to be away from as many people as possible. It was me and my dad for a few years and when it was off to university, he died and I was soon alone. By now you are probably thinking poor kid, but like I said, God knew what I didn't.
Four years after my dads death, I had gotten my degree in photography and was just wondering around the world until I found a place to settle down in. I had gotten a phone call from Eric which was unexpected, because i hadn't spoken to him in years and I didn't think he even remembered and he invited me to stay with him and the family for a while until I get back on my feet. I didn't know how he knew that, that was what I needed, but God did. this is how it all began, the story of my life and those around me.

Chapter one

I arrived in the small town late afternoon and went straight to the Swan's home. Mrs. Swan greeted me at the door with a hug and let me in "Grant, you've grown up so much! it's so good to see you" "thanks Mrs. Swan, it has been a long time. I'm sorry I never kept in contact after all this time." "don't be my dear, I'm just glad that you've come home, please take a seat in the living room, dinner will be ready soon"
I walked into the living room and went to look at all the photos on the top of the fire place, I brushed the hair out of my face and took a closer look at all the photos. It felt strange standing in that room again, the last time I remember being there was when me and Eric were playing on the floor when we were both 12, my day dreaming was quickly interrupted when I heard a small noise coming from the top the stairs, so I turned around. I could only see with one of my eyes,because my hair was cut in such away that it covered the one half of my face, so i brushed that piece out of the way again when i saw her walking down the stairs. There she was, Stephanie Swan, Stephanie was the only daughter in the swan family and she must be 18 now and still has the purest face that i have ever seen on a girl. If she was still the young kid from my childhood, then from what I remember she is calm and caring person who was always there to give a helping hand. She came into the living room and I forgot that I was still just staring, I had to say something "Stephanie, Stephanie swan, is that you? "who else would it be Grant" her smile was warm, just as it has always been "well forgive me, you seemed to have grown a bit since I last saw you" "that's what happens when people grow apart from each other" when she said that it made me realise that in all the years of me not coming back to this place was, because i was afraid and on the run from the truth. I must have been thinking for too long because she was looking deeply at me, so i said the first thing that came to mind "you're still too beautiful" then i came back down to earth and realized what i had said "why thank you Grant, but flattery will get you no where" she smiled again, I decided to change the topic and fast.
"How is things going with school?" "well thanks, I have decided to study to become a pd since I love kids and all. How about you?" "Finally got my degree in photography" "that's nice to hear, I figured you would go into that, with all the photos that you used to take of me" " yeah, you and my dad were always an inspiration to me in terms of photography" "after all these years of no contact, you've already started flirting with my sister." Eric said with a laugh as he walked into the living room and joined our conversation "O Eric, I do wish that you would stop with all that teasing, I am happy in a relationship remember" "yeah, that does seem to ring a bell, I just wish that you would end it with the med student, he's to full of himself" "be nice Eric, he is a nice guy when you get to know him" that word relationship hit me hard in the chest and I completely forgot I was standing there. Seems after all my running from the truth, from what is real, all it has done is just leave me with a small pain in my gut "Grant. buddy, it's good to see you again, it's been too long! hope the flight was OK?" Eric gave me a greeting hug, which hurt a little "still quite strong are we? The flight went well and it was worth it, it feels good to be home again" "yeah, I like to keep fit. Lets hope you stay this time"
The door bell rang and we all payed our attentions to the door as Stephanie left to go and and see who it was. Even with the way she walks made me remember what I had left behind, just being there brought back all the memories of me and this town. I grew up here, I learned here and I fell in love here and never even got the chance to admit it to her or anyone else, but my dad was persistent on leaving, because the whole town and our house just reminded him of my brother. I didn't keep in contact with anyone or call, because I thought I could start a new life after my dads death. Turns out, my plan wasn't the plan God had set out for me if after all these years, I've just ended up back to where I used to live.
A rather tall guy hugged and kissed Stephanie, I knew that this must be the guy she was dating. He greeted us all and then they left.Ii looked at Eric " see what I mean, the guy looks like he should be playing football and not studying to be a doctor" "I cant say much, I don't know they guy." "You'll get to know him alright, he's here all the time, gets annoying if you know what I mean. Mom and dad don't like him much too, but we just bite our bottom lips and get on with it." " where is your dad?" "study i presume, generally where he spends his time"
"Grant my boy, after all these years" I knew that voice anywhere, as I turned around, there he stood. Mr. Swan, the Swan family is one of the richest families in the town. I knew Eric, because my dad and his dad went to school together, Mr. Swan always used to say that if it wasn't for my dad, he wouldn't be where he is now. My dad would always say, if it wasn't for God, we would never have gotten this strong friendship."Mr. Swan, it has been to long, I won't leave like that again" "you have grown into a fine, successful looking man. Your father would be so proud of you" "thank you sir, that means a lot to me" "call me Edward" he laughed deeply "I am sure that Kate has finished with preparing of the meal, shall we make our ways to the kitchen" " do you mind if i freshen up first, Sir, I mean Edward." "sure my boy, we will meet you at the table. Your bedroom is up the stares, third room on your right. It's next to Eric's and in front of Stephanie's room" "thank you"
I walked up the stairs slowly, taking in all that has happened, it just seems all to soon to have all these feelings and memories come racing into my mind. I found my room with ease, it was the same room I used to stay in when ever I used to visit and spend the weekend. This was like my other house, I grew up in here just as much as I did in my families house. I went to the bathroom, washed my face and looked at my self in the mirror before I went to sit on my bed. I slouched forward and cradled my head in my arms, I didn't know if this was the place God wanted me to be or if this was where I wanted to be. I prayed about it and then lay back closing my eyes, it was hard to believe that so many memories could just flow back into my mind, memories i thought i had forgotten about, but were now so alive in my mind. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep and when I woke up I realised the time was eleven 'o clock, dinner was probably finished and every one must be asleep, I didn't even know if Stephanie was home yet, but knowing Mrs. Swan she would have left a plate full of food out on the table for me, ready for when I woke up. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face before living my room, I took off my shirt because it was hot. I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen and I was right, there was a plate of food waiting for me and one for Stephanie. I smiled and that's when it hit me, this is where God wants me to be.
I heard the door open slowly and close again with no noise being made, I knew it was just Steph coming home so I went on with preparing my late evening meal. She walked into the kitchen, wiping her eyes with her arm, she didn't know I was standing there until she looked up. That's when I saw in her eyes that she had been crying and was probably embarrassed, because I was there, I felt a slight breeze when it dawned on me that i wasn't wearing a t-shirt. "Everything OK Steph?" With that she ran into my arms and just started to cry, I felt her slow breathing on my chest and I felt the tears as they ran down my chest, but I just stood there quietly letting her cry, all I could be was supportive until such time when she would be able to tell me what was wrong "everything will be OK" was i i could manage to say. We stood like that for a long while until she looked up at me, I looked into her tear fulled eyes as she was looking into my yellow eyes. "thank you" she said before she turned around and walked away. I just stood there, my chest wet and my heart full. I didn't know what to do, instead of eating I put both our plates of food in the fridge and walked up to my room. I couldn't help, but stop in front of her door and hope that she was OK, I said a prayer for her before I went to bed. I lay my head down on my pillow and closed my eyes, slowly i drifted into a deep sleep.
That was the first time that Grant had held me in his arms and i felt the safest that I had ever felt with anybody. I didn't understand why, but I knew it felt good. sitting in my bed thinking of all that had happened during the day, the way he looked at me was different from when we were kids. He had grown into a slim man, with a well built body and the shy smile that he had always had. I lay back and closed my eyes, I just wanted the new day to come.
"driven by AMBITION. powered y JESUS."

~~Escaping into the world I create when I write ~~




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I like your characterization a lot. Grant's an interesting character and you can make a really good story with him, dacoozed.

Just some grammatical things: You have a lot of run-on sentences. They can make a reader (and you) lose your train of thought, so be liberal with periods. Actually, those brief, to-the-point sentences can make a story very interesting and grab your reader's attention.
Persistent=insistent?

It's kind of the same thing with the paragraphs. You tend to smash your ideas together in one paragraph. Remember if you're going switch to a different thought, make a new paragraph. Same thing with dialogue. Each piece of dialogue should be a paragraph unto itself. When you put an end quote, make a new paragraph. Be sure also to identify the speaker, with phrases like so and so said, or she replied, etc. This makes it clear who is talking so as not to confuse the reader.

Great job developing Grant, though. Can't wait to read more!




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Hi Dacoozed,

I'll start with the nitpicks, and then I'll go on with the overall impression.

You would think I was a sad kid if you knew my story, you would question why I just went on with the life I had and made no complaints. That's what I'm here for, to tell you my story.


I lost contact with Eric and his family when my brother died. *this is a full stop, not just a comma* My dad wanted to leave and go to a small unknown town to be away from as many people as possible.

This is a run-on. I noticed you have lots of them, and like the other person who reviewed before me said, it makes you lose you train of thoughts. I would recommend that you read your story out loud, and every time you change the subject, or at least just a little bit, put a full stop.

Four years after my dad's death,


I had gotten a phone call from Eric which was unexpected, because i hadn't spoken to him in years and I didn't think he even remembered and he invited me to stay with him and the family for a while until I get back on my feet.

Another run-on... I think you get the point, right? I would separate those. I had gotten a unexpected phone call from Eric. We hadn't spoken in years and I didn't think he even remembered. He invited me to stay with his family for a while until I get back on my feet.

It felt strange standing in that room again, the last time I remember being there was when me and Eric were playing on the floor when we were both 12. My day dreaming was quickly interrupted when I heard a small noise coming from the top the stairs, so I turned around.

See how long this sentence is? This is pretty long... And you skip from one thing to another. Okay, this is the last one I'm pointing out, next, you'll have to find them and correct them. I would be too easy to correct them all for you. ;)

when she said that, it made me realise realize that in all the years of me not coming back to this place, was because I was afraid and on the run from the truth. I must have been thinking for too long because she was looking deeply at me, so I said the first thing that came to mind. "You're still too beautiful," then I came back down to earth and realized what I had said. "Why thank you Grant, but flattery will get you nowhere," she smiled again. I decided to change the topic and fast.


"Oh Eric, I do wish that you would stop with all that teasing, I am happy in a relationship remember"


I didn't keep in contact with anyone or call, because I thought I could start a new life after my dad's death.


Iilooked at Eric

Just on i is fine.

With that she ran into my arms and just started to cry. I felt her slow breathing on my chest and I felt the tears as they ran down my chest. but I just stood there quietly letting her cry, all I could be was supportive until such time when she would be able to tell me what was wrong. "Everything will be OK," was I icould manage to say.


I lay my head down on my pillow and closed my eyes, slowly I drifted into a deep sleep.


That was the first time that Grant had held me in his arms and I felt the safest that I had ever felt with anybody. I didn't understand why, but I knew it felt good. Sitting in my bed, thinking of all that had happened during the day, the way he looked at me was different from when we were kids. He had grown into a slim man, with a well built body and the shy smile that he had always had. I lay back and closed my eyes, I just wanted the new day to come.

You changed the point of view now... I believe where in Stephanie's head right now, when the rest of the story was Grant. You might want to say that, indicate that the story will change, by putting little stars before, or something. We as readers, are confused by this change.

Okay, the overall impression! I liked the story. It was fun to read and it had an interesting plot line. I'm excited to see where this is all going to go. If you correct your run-on sentences and you correct your other typos, this will be more enjoyable to read. Another thing is that there's no space between your dialogue. I notice that as a reader, it's quiet difficult to keep track of the conversation when it's that way... You want to change line every time someone else is talking. And you want to check out the punctuation in your dialogues. There should be a comma, or a point every time you the person's done talking... Okay, so correct that, and you'll be good!

Keep on writing! :)

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466




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Well, Massive block of text. hard to read.

Alright, firstly, always start a new sentence with dialogue
Example

You had~
If she was still the young kid from my childhood, then from what I remember she is calm and caring person who was always there to give a helping hand. She came into the living room and I forgot that I was still just staring, I had to say something "Stephanie, Stephanie swan, is that you? "who else would it be Grant" her smile was warm, just as it has always been "well forgive me, you seemed to have grown a bit since I last saw you" "that's what happens when people grow apart from each other" when she said that it made me realise that in all the years of me not coming back to this place was, because i was afraid and on the run from the truth. I must have been thinking for too long because she was looking deeply at me, so i said the first thing that came to mind "you're still too beautiful" then i came back down to earth and realized what i had said "why thank you Grant, but flattery will get you no where" she smiled again, I decided to change the topic and fast.


I edit to
If she was still the young kid from my childhood, then, from what I remember, she is calm and caring person who was always there to give a helping hand. She came into the living room and I forgot that I was still just staring, I had to say something "Stephanie, Stephanie Swan, is that you?"
"who else would it be, Grant" her smile was warm, just as it has always been
"well forgive me, you seemed to have grown a bit since I last saw you"
"that's what happens when people grow apart from each other" when she said that it made me realise that in all the years of me not coming back to this place was, because I was afraid and on the run from the truth. I must have been thinking for too long because she was looking deeply at me, so I said the first thing that came to mind
"you're still too beautiful" then I came back down to earth and realized what I had said
"why, thank you Grant, but flattery will get you no where" she smiled again, I decided to change the topic and fast.


Voila!
Easy-to-read!
Next thing is that you have many, many grammar errors that can be caught if you reread.

Next~

dacoozed wrote:You would think i was a sad kid if you knew my story, you would question why i just went on with the life i had and made no complaints. that's what I'm here for, to tell you my story.
The name is Grant Martin, I'm twenty two years old and have a degree in photography. I never knew my mother, she left when I was four and my brother and dad were the two most important people in my life. They both died in my young years, but that never stopped me from being successful, I knew God had a plan for my life and that it was all up to him. I never had many friends growing up because I liked to be by myself most of the time, although, the only best friend I ever had was a guy by the name of Eric swan, his dad and my dad were quite close. I lost contact with Eric and his family when my brother died, my dad wanted to leave and go to a small unknown town to be away from as many people as possible. It was me and my dad for a few years and when it was off to university, he died and I was soon alone. By now you are probably thinking poor kid, but like I said, God knew what I didn't.
Four years after my dads death, I had gotten my degree in photography and was just wondering around the world until I found a place to settle down in. I had gotten a phone call from Eric which was unexpected, because i hadn't spoken to him in years and I didn't think he even remembered and he invited me to stay with him and the family for a while until I get back on my feet. I didn't know how he knew that, that was what I needed, but God did. this is how it all began, the story of my life and those around me.You would think i was a sad kid if you knew my story, you would question why i just went on with the life i had and made no complaints. that's what I'm here for, to tell you my story.
The name is Grant Martin, I'm twenty two years old and have a degree in photography. I never knew my mother, she left when I was four and my brother and dad were the two most important people in my life. They both died in my young years, but that never stopped me from being successful, I knew God had a plan for my life and that it was all up to him. I never had many friends growing up because I liked to be by myself most of the time, although, the only best friend I ever had was a guy by the name of Eric swan, his dad and my dad were quite close. I lost contact with Eric and his family when my brother died, my dad wanted to leave and go to a small unknown town to be away from as many people as possible. It was me and my dad for a few years and when it was off to university, he died and I was soon alone. By now you are probably thinking poor kid, but like I said, God knew what I didn't.
Four years after my dads death, I had gotten my degree in photography and was just wondering around the world until I found a place to settle down in. I had gotten a phone call from Eric which was unexpected, because i hadn't spoken to him in years and I didn't think he even remembered and he invited me to stay with him and the family for a while until I get back on my feet. I didn't know how he knew that, that was what I needed, but God did. this is how it all began, the story of my life and those around me.



All of that is way to much description. Seriously, i felt like his life was flashing before ,my eyes. I, personally,think you can just delete that prologue. It tells us nothing of the story to come, which is the point of a prologue

Lastly~
dacoozed wrote:That was the first time that Grant had held me in his arms and i felt the safest that I had ever felt with anybody. I didn't understand why, but I knew it felt good. sitting in my bed thinking of all that had happened during the day, the way he looked at me was different from when we were kids. He had grown into a slim man, with a well built body and the shy smile that he had always had. I lay back and closed my eyes, I just wanted the new day to come.You would think i was a sad kid if you knew my story, you would question why i just went on with the life i had and made no complaints. that's what I'm here for, to tell you my story.


You totatlly switched point of veiws there

Keep Writing
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*



"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"