Undertow

Gender

Points 1302

Reviews 7

Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:59 pm

jake457 says... · Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:59 pm

lead here in the ditches
fighting for too long
all covered in stitches
where did I go wrong
why is this friendship gone

Im sick of these bitches
the same old little story
so where is my glory
the things you talked
about so ever fondly

[build up]

chorus
this is my undertow
this house is overgrown
memories old
dreams burn and go
I feel so alone
in this crowd
I put on a shrowd

so where is my
decency
I pray to you
I pray to me
I pray to them
friendships go
but I will not

I still will fight
till it’s time for me
to leave this place
when people aren’t
in need-
so here I plead
please don’t leave
just forgive me
just believe that
I will fight for you
all of you

chorus

dragged under
by the dark tide
of stupid lies
ill try to hide
up in the skies
in my dreams

I seem so sad now
but I miss you all
but I wish you saw
when I did fall
into this undertow...

Last edited by jake457 on Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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fiction903

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Points 15446

Reviews 136

Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:19 pm

fiction903 says... · Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:19 pm

Welcome to YWS I actually think that your poem is okay but I will give you a few suggestions...

Im sick of these bitches

I'm needs to be an apostrophe. I also think the use of profanity in a poem makes a writer look weak. I also think that you need to reformat your poem a little bit, for example

the things you talked
about so ever fondly

I think that this should be made into one line.

I pray to me

I think you should change this into something like "I pray for myself"
I think that you have a pretty good rhyme scheme. You must remember that you need to give reviews to get reviews.
Keep writing, Fiction

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jake457

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Points 1302

Reviews 7

Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:01 pm

jake457 says... · Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:01 pm

ah ok :/ well 'bitches' is just used for me to amp the anger more than the sadness and it is kind of about a time of weakness also. But thanks anyway

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Auteur

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Points 12534

Reviews 93

Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:31 am

Auteur says... · Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:31 am

Apparently I need to work on the quality of my reviews, but yeah...in other words, they're crap. So sorry if mine sucks.

jake457 wrote:
lead here in the ditches
fighting for too long
all covered in stitches
where did I go wrong

I love these first four sentences. They're brilliant.

jake457 wrote:
why is this friendship gone

I don't know, it sort of felt a bit, falling from something great to something pretty gay. Like, the first four were brilliant, but then it's all...sort of, try hard to rhyme? That probably makes no sense, but yeah, it sort of deflates the furious emotion you've pushed into the beginning.

jake457 wrote:
Im sick of these bitches

Yeeess, I love this! Unlike most on here, I actually think swearing portrays emotions, in some cases. Yours works very well to me

It's sharp and aggressive.

jake457 wrote:
the same old little story
so where is my glory
the things you talked
about so ever fondly

This last line doesn't really match. Like, I get what you mean, and how you're trying to say it in a way that fits, but it doesn't work. It's not grammatically correct, or whatever.

jake457 wrote:
this is my undertow
this house is overgrown
memories old
dreams burn and go
I feel so alone
in this crowd
I put on a shrowd

I love this bit. However, I'd take out the last sentence. For me it's once again too trying-hard-to-rhyme. I like how it would end sort of, chopped and the emotion is still like, cliff-hanging onto the next verse.

jake457 wrote:
so where is my
decency
I pray to you
I pray to me
I pray to them
friendships go
but I will not

LOVE the last line

And as for the rest of it, it was great! I don't really have any problems with it. Emotionally. As for all the other proper errors, I'll leave that to the experts. Good job, and keep on writing!

Most people see what is and never what can be. - Albert Einstein

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Vanadis

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Points 13173

Reviews 123

Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:42 pm

Vanadis says... · Wed Jun 16, 2010 1:42 pm

Heya.

First of all, this is in the wrong place. It should be in lyrics, not lyric poetry. You could PM a mod or JM (green names) to move it for you, or wait for one to come across it. For future reference, though, lyrics are songs, and lyric poetry is poetry that expresses the feelings of the narrator--that actually confuses quite a few people at first. Don't worry, though; posting in the wrong place accidentally isn't horrible, so you're okay.

But. I'll still review it as best I can.

Spoiler

lead here in the ditches
fighting for too long
all covered in stitches
where did I go wrong
why is this friendship gone

I'm sick of these bitches
the same old little story
so where is my glory >>This line baffles me. It seems like you put it there just to rhyme, but to me it doesn't make sense. I'd suggest clearing it up.
the things you talked >>What things?
about so ever fondly

[build up]

chorus
this is my undertow
this house is overgrown
memories old
dreams burn and go
I feel so alone
in this crowd
I put on a shroud >>This line may not even be needed. The two before it seem to say what you wanted.

so where is my
decency
I pray to you
I pray to me
I pray to them >>These are weird; why pray? And what's it got to do with decency? Explain more.
friendships go
but I will not >>I sort of like this.

I still will fight
till it’s time for me
to leave this place
when people aren’t
in need-
so here I plead
please don’t leave
just forgive me
just believe that
I will fight for you
all of you >>Pretty good verse.

chorus

dragged under
by the dark tide
of stupid lies
ill try to hide
up in the skies
in my dreams

I seem so sad now
but I miss you all
but I wish you saw
when I did fall
into this undertow... >>leave out the ...

Just my two cents:

You have a few incongruities in here. Places where you have one idea, and then switch to a totally new one.

Also, I know these are lyrics, but I think that, mostly because this is a writing site, you should use capitalization and punctuation. Also, with punctuation, it's easier to see any inflections you'd have when this is actually performed and whatnot.

Other than that, not bad.

Hope this helped.

We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!

If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo

Need someone to review your novel? Why don't you try checking here? Buddy up!

Last time I checked, love had no gender.

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jake457

Gender

Points 1302

Reviews 7

Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:34 pm

jake457 says... · Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:34 pm

Ah thanks,

I will put it in the right place from now on once i find the place. Also thanks for the support people and for my first reviewer, I will post things that will be more to your liking.

And also I kind of make it more... cryptic so people don't understand fully what the message is, 'cause I'm naughty like that.

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Vanadis

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Gender

Points 13173

Reviews 123

Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:03 pm

Vanadis says... · Wed Jun 16, 2010 9:03 pm

jake457 wrote:Ah thanks, I will put it in the right place from now on once i find the place. Also thanks for the support people and for my first reviewer, I will post things that will be more to your liking. And also I kind of make it more... cryptic so people don't understand fully what the message is, 'cause I'm naughty like that.

No problem, like I said, just letting you know. And the place, if you want to know: when you go to "Submit your work" under "Read/Write," there will be a category for Misc. literary works. Lyrics is under that. ^_^

We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!

If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo

Need someone to review your novel? Why don't you try checking here? Buddy up!

Last time I checked, love had no gender.

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LadyPurple

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Points 1171

Reviews 206

Fri Jun 18, 2010 11:52 pm

LadyPurple says... · Fri Jun 18, 2010 11:52 pm

Hey again Jake. I can't say much about anything because everyone else pointed out the errors.... Oh well! You know I can imagine this with some guitar playing but that's just me. Well in any case I think this was good. Keep writing stuff!

You're new? Great seas! Why haven't you gone to the Buddy System yet?

Join The Storybook Revolution...

You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
~Rosey Unicorn

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jake457

Gender

Points 1302

Reviews 7

Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:50 am

jake457 says... · Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:50 am

Ah right, after a few melodies and singing through it, then checking the tempo.... I've edited the song, the emotion is still wavey, but not to extremes as this song is about being pulled under by various emotions. That's why it's called undertow, if you don't know want an undertow is, look it up and trust me about the definition being confusing :S.

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