Mail Order From Heaven

Mail Order From Heaven

....
This February
Emotions, cold as the winter wind
Were running through my head
I sat in my wheelchair, listening
Afraid of what was to come.

They don't know if she'll make it.
Her oldest daughter beside me said.
I knew what my aunt was thinking,
Maybe it's for the best.

They wouldn't let me see her,
They said the ICU was no place for someone my age.
Even for relatives, you had to be sixteen.
I wanted to see her.

We all sat by the parkinglot, crying
Outside the dismal gray building
Not knowing if I'd ever see her again.
What would I do, going to her house,
Seeing the empty wheelchair,
The TV no longer tuned to Law and Order,
No stories of World War II,
Or tales from her life as a civilian codebreaker?

And I prayed,
Please save my grandmother
She's all that holds this family together.
Please don't let us all fall apart.
I know we all have to die.
But if she has to go, please don't let our family die too.

But so it came to pass,
They took her off the machines,
And late one night,
She heard the angels sing.
I was laying on the couch,
And hugged the closest thing to me,
The fur of my dog soft on my face,
Who for a moment, shared the acute sorrow.

She was gone.
The funeral came,
Out in the cemetery, a snowy frigid morning,
We all trudged up through the slush and mud.
As we sat there, listening to the preacher,
The sun came through the clouds.
It shone on the little graveyard,
Putting a little hope in our hearts.

A few weeks later, they were still sorting it all out
The will, with six direct descendants, was complicated
One of my aunts came by, she had a package for me.
"It came in her mail, but I knew she'd want you to have it."

I opened it, a little fleece blanket.
I felt of it and thought of her.
Another month passed by,
And there was another blanket,
Sent for free from some magazine
That hadn't been canceled yet

Several months passed by,
When I was sitting there on my bed,
Saw the blankets, thought of her,
And said,
“It's kind of like mail order from heaven.”


....

Reviews are welcome.

Thanks!

~Voxina

First I would like to say that the name really intrigued me whatever you do keep that the same. I really loved the poem. It was very emotional. Only a few things scraped me the wrong way.

vox nihili wrote:Mail Order From Heaven

But so it came to pass,
They took her off the machines,
And late one night, around eleven-thirty This totally broke my trance. I don't know why everything was shattered. So, if I were you I would take it out.
She heard the angels sing.
I was laying on the couch,
And hugged the closest thing to me. It should be "hugging", and I would like to know what she was hugging.

She was gone.
The funeral came,
Out in the cemetary (should be spelled cemetery. I think ...), a snowy frigid morning,
We all trugded (should be spelled trudged) up through the slush and mud.
Sitting there, listening to the preacher, I think this line should be: As we sat there, listening to the preacher. I don't know why, but I think this transitions from them walking in the cemetery to them listening to the preacher...
The sun came through the clouds.
It shone on the little graveyard,
Putting a little hope in our hearts.

A few weeks later, they were still sorting it all out
The will, with six direct descendants, it add was complicated
When take out one of my aunts came by, she had a package for me.
"It came in her mail, but I knew she'd want you to have it."

I opened it, a little fleece blanket.
I felt of it and thought of her.
Another month passed by,
And there was another blanket,
Sent for free from some magazine
She subscribed to, Take out that hadn't been canceled yet

Several months passed by,
When I was sitting there on my bed,
Saw the blankets, thought of her,
And said,
"It's kind of like mail order from heaven" add

I really like the narrative quality of this poem, and I think the concept is extremely strong. You have executed this nicely!

A few things that tripped me up as I was reading:

They wouldn't let me see her,
They said the ICU was no place for teens.
Even for relatives, you had to be sixteen.
I wanted to see her.

I don't like that you've rhymed teens with teen here. I was really getting a sense of building rhythm by this point in the poem, and as I stumbled over this it made it difficult to integrate back into the rest of the piece. I think your concept is good, but maybe just rework it a little bit.

Several months passed by,
When I was sitting there on my bed,
Saw the blankets, thought of her,
And said,
It's kind of like mail order from heaven.

I absolutely love this last stanza! I know I said I was going to be things that I tripped over, but I didn't trip on this. The only thing I would suggest is maybe saying "a mail order?" Just because that's how I've always heard it said. But I'm not overly familiar with the term. So it's your call =)

This is spectacular! I really like it!

Okay. Let's get started.
I enjoyed this poem, a lot actually. First of all I loved the emotion in it; the fact that you could feel what the narrator was feeling without being killed by it. So kudos to you. However, there were a few things that struck me as a bit strange or ill-fitting.

This February
Emotions, cold as the winter wind
Were running through my head
I sat in my wheelchair, listening
Filled with dread.

I would honestly get rid of the rhyme scheme here. The entirety of this stanza was great, until we reach 'Filled with dread.' Personally, I think the rhyme scheme detracts from the emotional aspects of this poem and gives it a limerick-y quality.

Please save my grandmother
She's all that holds this family together.
Please don't let us all fall apart.
I know we all have to die.
But if she has to go, please don't let our family die too.

I think that there's too much exposition here. We don't know who's in the ICU and then suddenly its like woah, grandmother. Make it more subtle; characterize her as a grandmother instead of just shoving it in our mouths. Mention the way she, I don't know, liked to knit, her white hair, her soft and wrinkled hands. Just play with it.

Besides these two details, I think your poem has wonderful potential. It gave me chills, and with a few revisions I think it could become even more exceptionally beautiful. (:

I made a few of the changes you had all suggested.

Thanks!