Death and His Apprentice

Death and his Apprentice

"Servants! It is time!" boomed God's voice from beyond time itself.

"We were too late" Malqkwyt whispered.

Death let the back end of his scythe thump beside the girl's eternally staring face. An empty bottle of the pills that had taken her life next to her limp hand. "If only we were allowed to interact with the living. Then things may not end this way, with us always being too late," Death whispered.

The girl's soul rose from her body, swimming in and out of focus like a mirage. She looked down upon herself and clasped her hands over her mouth, muffling a scream. "What- is this?"

"You ended yourself," death said. Why"

"So it's done," the girl said, "good." She smiled. "Okay, I'm ready."

"But why?" Death demanded. "Why did you do it?"

"Please, just stop. I don't want to go into my life, I want to forget all about it."

"Very well," Death said. "Off you go, to eternal wandering of this wretched plant.

"Godbye," The girl said, preparing to soar through the ceiling. "I've always wanted to see the Great Wall of China."

"It's one of the greatest spectacles on Earth," Malqkyt said.

"But the voices screaming from the stones," Death said, his voice seeming to call from the grave itself, "have driven spirits to madness. But not me, it simply makes me wonder. Why? Why do the dead slaves wish to stay where they were forced to do labor until the very point when they simply dropped?"

"You know," the girl began, "I never thought of you as one who cares about the living."

"Every second," Death said.

"Goodbye," she said, flying through the ceiling.

They watched her melt through the whiteness, their forms dancing in red and orange flame as the ceiling light bathed them. The light was the only living thing in the girls' room. Every thing else was dead. The people in the posters, the television, the furniture, the dust, everything. In that teenagers room, the world had come to an end.

Malqkyt scratched his chin. "Why are we doing this, Death?"

"Because, my apprentice, I have grown tired of seeing nothing but death. It tortures me, and without even having the luxury of rest. People die every second. It is only a miracle that no one's died in the past two," Death said.

"But, Death, do realize that this is-" Malqkyt began before a shudder went through the air and a blinding green light enveloped him and Death. He squirmed as his body spun with the orbit of fate.

"Servants! It is time!" God's voice commanded.

Another person had returned to the dust. Malqkyt's legs connected with the desert sand without making a single sound. The nearly headless body of a soldier lay before him.

"The poor boy," Death said. His fellow men formed a barrier around him, small plumes of sand exploding as bullets struck.

"We got a man down!" barked a soldier. In an instant his body lurched back as a red blotch appeared on his chest.

"Servants! It is time!" boomed God.

Death shook his head, his hood ruffling. "How many more?"

"This is," Malqkyt said, "It could be this entire squadron and lt's not-" he clamped his toothless jaw shut.

"Servants! It is time! Servants! It is time! Servants! It is time!" God's voice echoed.

"People are dying on the other side as well," Malqkyt said.

"I know," Death said. "But not only there, but across the entire world. Of hunger, heart ache, heart attacks, strokes, car accidents, executions, the heat, but most of all the- the heinous murders, the genocides. The bloody creatures slaughter each other like beta fish trapped in a bowl."

"It's so awful, isn't it?" Malqkyt said.

"Yes, but that's the way it has always been, and there's nothing we can do about it but watch." He clenched his gaseous fists, which wisped with the ferocious desert wind. "Watch and clean up."

"The merciless creator made pawns for his sick game of chess and gave us his very own janitors!"

Death said nothing and merely lead the souls to their destination.

"Servants! It is time!" God's voice shouted, until the end of time.

Interesting. I liked the repetition of "Servants! It is time!". It added a nice touch of unity...plus, it just sounded cool =p

The first issue I had was with Malqkwyt. I have to say, I'm not a fan of the name. It sort of looks like you just mashed on your keyboard. I was also confused by the character. He was Death's apprentice, correct? I would have liked a bit more info on him, perhaps just a glimmer of a back story, since Death typically doesn't have a sidekick and therefore the reader doesn't know what to expect out of one.

I thought the formal speech suited Death and God well, but with the other characters, it just sounded awkward. I'm fairly certain most teenagers do not talk that properly. When everyone is always very formal, the writing becomes more unbelievable.

with us always being too late," Death whispered.

Here, I would remove the "too late" comment, because you mentioned it previously and it's too redundant to mention it again.

she looked down upon

Should be "she looked down at"

Bah, bloody teenagers these days. I never talked like them. But I guess I should tone down the speech anyway.

Oh, as for the sidekick's name, I had to make a name that was nearly pronounceable and only had one vowel. It was for a contest in one of my groups.

Yo, a great little story. Atmospheric. Cool detail with the screaming stones of the great wall of china. /At the Gates have a song called 'city of screaming statues', dunno why that reminded me of them.
Just one thing:
"I know," Death said. "But not only there, but across the entire world. Of hunger, heart ache, heart attacks, strokes, car accidents, executions, the heat, but most of all the- the heinous murders, the genocides. The bloody creatures slaughter each other like beta fish trapped in a bowl."
this bit breaks up the rhythm slightly, because it breaks up the cold, tired, detached atmosphere. A bit. Maybe if you substitue a one-sentence description for each concept, /heart attacks, executions, etc./ this will keep the style from jumping, alhough it will inflate the paragraph five times its current size. Which isn't a bad thing in this case.
Very nice and weird Bradbury/Pratchett feel.

Oh, as for the sidekick's name, I had to make a name that was nearly pronounceable and only had one vowel. It was for a contest in one of my groups

Oh, then never mind =]

Hi, it's Caitlin It's been a long time since I was on YWS, and I just came back to see your message about you liking my reviews, so I decided to review another one of your works. Okey dokey, here come the nit-picks:

"Servants! It is time!" boomed God's voice from beyond time itself.

I feel like it flows better if you say 'God's voice boomed from beyond time itself.'

"We were too late"

you forgot the period here, no biggie.

An empty bottle of the pills that had taken her life next to her limp hand.

If you say 'The empty bottle', it sounds better to me. also, you forgot a word. I'd make it 'The empty bottle of pills that had taken her life lay next to her limp hand.'

Then things may not end this way

Because the sentence before this one was in the past tense, this one should be as well: 'Then things might not always end this way.'

"What- is this?"

I'm not sure you meant to have the hyphen there. If you want punctuation there, I feel it should be more like this: 'what...is this?'

"You ended yourself," death said. Why"

Death is a character, so his name should be capitalized. Also, you need a question mark after 'why'.

"Off you go, to eternal wandering of this wretched plant.

I'm pretty sure you meant 'planet'. also, you forgot the closing quotation mark.

"But the voices screaming from the stones," Death said, his voice seeming to call from the grave itself, "have driven spirits to madness.

I get how you're breaking up your sentences, but this works better if you say, '"But the voices screaming from the stones have driven spirits to madness." Death's voice seemed to be calling from the grave itself.' and then go on to the rest of your dialogue.

Every thing else was dead. The people in the posters, the television, the furniture, the dust, everything.

The last word of your second sentence makes sense, but I wouldn't use a comma. try a hyphen or maybe a colon, because that gives it more emphasis. '[...]the furniture, the dust--everything.' or '[...]the furniture, the dust: everything.' you can even add 'was dead'

Of hunger, heart ache, heart attacks, strokes, car accidents, executions, the heat, but most of all the- the heinous murders, the genocides.

I feel like this sentence would flow a lot more neatly if you wrote 'They die' in front of the sentence, and then towards the end: '[...]the heat, but most of all they die because of all the--the heinous murders, the genocides.'

"The merciless creator made pawns for his sick game of chess and gave us his very own janitors!"

I think you meant 'and made us his very own janitors!'.

Okay, that's all I caught. *phew* So, here's what I think overall: This piece is really cool, and I love the point of view you used. it's interesting and different (kind of like The Book Thief) and keeps the reader interested. I also love how you gave death a very different personality than the stereotype. The repetition of 'My servants! It is time!' added a nice touch, so congrats on that.
I really can't think of anything that you should improve upon, except for the nit-picks above. Great job!

I love how you made Death seem like he wasn't just a cold hearted life taker. You showed that he really feels peoples pain as they die. Let me know when you write more! Also, can you review my story? I'm new here. haha. topic69557.html

Well... I liked it. I really did, but the fact that there was no background on the apprentice I was lost. And I wanted to know why Death even had an apprentice. More info on the apprentice would've helped a lot. The sec- wait third thing. Spell check! Proof read! I'm guilty of it in my own story, but just remember to proof read and use your spell check.

That was ... interesting. I liked it, but it was a bit confusing.
Okay, the mistakes I found have all been pointed out, so I will spare you the pain of hearing them repeated
So, I have only to say that I think you have quite a potential and I really did enjoy your story - it was original and interesting.
Thank you, and God bless,
Ignis (:

That was strangely touching. I love how, as others have said, Death was not... well, evil. He was a kind person, which I like more than and evil guy. I'm going to give this one two thumbs up. Great work.