How a mother loves.

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It was about eight in the evening and I am still doing my homework on the kitchen table. My older brother sat beside me, also doing his assignment, something about Quantum Physics. Mom and Dad are in the other room, watching TV. The twins are already sleeping upstairs in their room.

Then Mom said, "It's getting late and I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen and prepared sandwiches for tomorrow's lunches, took out the meat from the freezer for tomorrow's dinner, and rinsed the popcorn bowls in the sink. She checked the cereal levels and put sugar in the container, and prepared the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

When she finished, she the put some wet clothes in the dryer and some dirty clothes in the washer. She ironed a shirt and secured its loose button. Then she went to the living room to put the phone back on the charger and the telephone book in the drawer. She also cleared the game pieces the twins left on the center table.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note for the twins' teacher, signed a birthday card for a friend, and addressed and stamped the envelope. Then she made a grocery list and put it and the card near her bag.

Mom then washed her face with a 3-in-1 cleanser, put on her night solution and age fighting moisturizer, and brushed and flossed her teeth.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."

"In a minute," she said. She had her nightgown on, and she went downstairs to put water in the dog's dish and put the cat outside. She then checked if the doors were locked, and if the patio light was on. She pulled out a book from under a chair and put it back on the shelf. She made some milk for my brother and me, and had a quick conversation about how our day went; then she went upstairs to check on the twins. She put the dirty socks she saw on the floor into the hamper, turned out their lamp, and put their toys back in the box. In her room, she set the alarm, laid out the clothing for the next day, and straightened out the shoe rack. Then she went downstairs to check on us.

Then Dad announced to no one in particular, "I am going to bed," and went upstairs without further hesitation.

I finished my homework and Mom went with me to my room. She told me to brush my teeth and say my prayers, and kissed me goodnight. I heard her tell the same to my brother in the other room.

When everything was quiet and I was sure that Mom was already asleep, I said one final prayer:

"Dear God, thank you for letting me feel how a mother loves."
Last edited by telle_04 on Mon Jun 14, 2010 5:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
You've got the key to my heart..but have you forgotten about a duplicate?
Sorry. I've already given it to someone else.




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This was very sweet. I liked how you showed the mother's love through her actions, and not just by saying how much she loved.

There were some tense issues, where you switched between present and past.

She made some milk for me and my brother

That should be "she made some milk for my brother and me".

I also liked the contrast between the mother and the father. The mother lingers to do work, while the father immediately heads to bed without a second thought. Really says a lot about both of them.
But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out.




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SnapesOnAPlane wrote:This was very sweet. I liked how you showed the mother's love through her actions, and not just by saying how much she loved.

There were some tense issues, where you switched between present and past.

She made some milk for me and my brother

That should be "she made some milk for my brother and me".

I also liked the contrast between the mother and the father. The mother lingers to do work, while the father immediately heads to bed without a second thought. Really says a lot about both of them.


hello snapes. :)
i really have tense issues. have to work on those soon. college will help me, though. haha.
thanks for the review.
*edits*
You've got the key to my heart..but have you forgotten about a duplicate?
Sorry. I've already given it to someone else.




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I really like this piece of work, ALOT! I like the way you described how your mum did things before she went to bed, even though she said she was going to bed and didn't go straight away. This remind me alot of my mother. I REALLY REALLY love this! <3 Awesome! :D
I didn't see many error, a few little things. Like,

When she finished, she the put some wet clothes in the dryer..


This doesn't make sense..?? Should it be, When she finished, she put some wet clothes in the dryer.. Or maybe it was ment to be 'then'? Did you forget the 'n'?
I think it was just a miss typed thing, maybe you were going to write something else then changed your mind..
Re-read it aloud, often i find that helps. You pick up things more when you can hear what they sound like.

I also like they way you said how your dad just got up and went straight to bed, without doing anything. It really describes the difference between the two parents.
Great piece of work! I LOVE it! :D

Born
xx
:D




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I'm going to read it again! :D
:D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2608
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I'm going to read it again! :D
:D




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Hey there!

I love the way you tell this piece, the narration voice is formal yet personal, which is very good in terms of Non-Fiction as it'll allow your audience to empathise with you more easily. There's just a few points that I think would need a bit of tidying up; not much to be honest -- just nitpicks! Here:

My older brother sat beside me, also doing his assignment, which was something about Quantum Physics.

This reads more fluently in my opinion.

she then put some wet clothes

Watch out for mistakes like this!

When she finished, she the put some wet clothes in the dryer and some dirty clothes in the washer. She ironed a shirt and secured its loose button. Then she went to the living room...

This is an example of one of the weaknesses of your piece. You repeat she did this, she did that almost throughout. I think that this way of writing is a bit bland, or basic, and some readers might get bored -- which is a shame because this is a good piece! So, revise it a little bit and see if you can find different ways to say it. Such as, "I was watching out of the corner of my eye as Mum moved on to the dirty washing." You know?

"Dear God, thank you for letting me feel how a mother loves."

Perfect ending, well done!

Keep writing and hope this helped,
Ben



Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero