Gray~ Chp. 1

Hey guys this is the only the second draft so tear it apart! Please? =^_^=
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Callum~

I watched, irritated, as Lucia, my maid, bumbled about my room, humming and touching everything. I cleared my throat, but she just hummed louder. I started tapping my foot....Her already plump, red face got a bit redder, but she pretended to ignore me. "Lucia..." I warned, tired.

"Hmmm?" She replied, trying to be sweet. All she did was piss me off more.

"Lucia." I said, now thoroughly frustrated. I could feel my fingertips tingling.

"Yeeesss?" She asked, still bustling about with her fat little self knocking things over and pushing around my papers. I growled, and I felt my blood go cold, felt the shadows wake up, hungry, as always. I saw her stop, heard her humming cut off abruptly, at least three of her chins wobbling in the dim candlelight. "M-Master?" She finally asked, her voice quavering.

"Lucia," I snarled. "Get out." She didn't move, except for her eyes, forever darting from twisting, coiled shadow to twisting, coiled shadow. "NOW, Lucia!" I barked. She gave a jump, and shuffled out the door, the smell of apples slowly drifting after her.

I sniffed, disgusted, and slammed the door.

I slumped back over the table, the stool I was perched on tipping to the side a bit. I lay my head down on my arms, thinking about the shadows. The first few times I had tried thinking of light to make the shadows go away, but it just made them angrier, hungrier, greedier. I knew now. I knew the only way to get them to settle back at the base of walls and the corners of the room was to sooth them, let them know they weren't taken for granted, that they were what was really important.

Sometimes life made me tired.

Eventually my blood felt normal (as normal as it usually did) and felt the black hunger in the pit of my stomach subsided. Just as the shadows died down, and I got back to my writing (I'm a sucker for good classic tragedies) my little sister burst into the room. I winced as she giggled, hating how her wind-chime-voice had the ability to give me instant headaches.

"BROTHER!" She yelled, still giggling. "Brother, won't you come play with us? You've been in this drab little hole all day, and-" she laughed harder here. "AND we have a new toy!" She pattered from the room, screeching with joy. I rubbed a hand over my face.

New toys only meant new troubles for me.

I got up anyway, as The Queen would hear about it if I refused. It would be strange for me to refuse a good, bloody game. But really, they made me sick. Too much chaos. I preferred silent games, games where you got to see who could keep quiet the longest, even if the longest was to the very end.

My siblings, and I think all the rest of Us, preferred the fun, wild, loud, seemingly never ending games that I was walking into right now, where the end was nothing but a disappointment to Us and a relief to them. I suddenly found myself in the middle of a park, a well kept, flower filled park that was empty, wet, and blue at this time of the night. Everything was soft around the edges, and everything was some shade or another of blue beneath the moon. Filled with blue shadows, and blue light at the same time.

Nights like these made me dizzy.

I heard the screeches up ahead on a bike path, moving swiftly through the still night air. I heard the laughter and the yelps and the sobbing of the new toy. I heard the bells and the chimes and the giggling and the whispers. I took a deep breath and ran after them, straight into the heart of the game.

Hey there.

I see this as a vampire story. Please God, don't tell me it's a vampire book. If it's not then HUZZAH . So far, it seems that a depressed, shadow-obsessed (vampire) person with supernatural abilities is in a pissed off mood (or maybe he's in a good mood? o.0). The writing is good but so far we know nothing about this character expect that he has a sister, doesn't like people touching his stuff and might possibly be a vampire. I had a hunch that maybe he's a demon or something else that has to do with shadows? I also like how it's a love story . You gotta love them supernatural love stories. You have good descriptions and I am simply amazed that you can write in a guy's POV. If I even tried to it would sound like, That girl is hot. I'd hit that. *crotch scratch*. I can't write guys so bravo on that. One thing I didn't understand was the last part. I cannot see this guy running into a game filled with children and bells and giggles. He seems too emo for it. I realize that this is probably the least helpful review you've ever gotten. All I'm doing is going off about vampires and crotch scratching. -sigh-. Sorry. You truly are a talented writer and I enjoyed reading this, I'm just in a strange mood, is all.


~Jasmine Bells

Hey White Shadow! I'm Zib, and I love where this story is going.
I really like the ways you just alluded to the fact he might be a vampire, and never stated it outright. You also got a bit punny if it is a vampire novel

xX_white_shadow_Xx wrote:It would be strange for me to refuse a good, bloody game

The only issue i had was -like jasmine said- the ending. As jasmine put it

jasminebells wrote:I cannot see this guy running into a game filled with children and bells and giggles. He seems too emo for it.

Its true! But i really like the way you made the game seem so mysterious. This is a really well written peice!
Zib

Yet another vampire melodrama,at this point it is becoming cliche . I agree with Jasmine bells that you wrote from a male point of view pretty well. I do have one nitpick...

All she did was piss me off more

I thought vampires were supposed to be extremely old and eloquent unless this is a "modern" vampire.I think you should try to add some originality to it. An ideas I have would be to intermingle other Gods and or creatures from Greek mythology into the story. Keep writing and have a great day. Fiction

Can I just say he's not a vampire? >.>

And other than that, thanks guys! ^_^ I appreciate it!

<3 Nutty

Oh. Well then, that changes things. xD Still a really well written piece, it's just the crazy twilight vampire fangirl publicity going around that automatically brings people to the decision that you have written something on vamps. Can't wait for the next piece.

~Jasmine Bells

Shall I hazard a guess and say that this will be Faerie oriented? That's MY impression anyway, and I'll let you know that it was my first impression, and that I didn't think that it was about vampires.
Anyway, on with the review.
I have to say, I liked it. The male point of view was very well done, and the story is intriguing. I don't really have a sense of external conflict yet, only the internal struggles of Callum, but I'm sure you'll get to that!
My only other qualm was that you seemed to have trouble deciding whether to use present tense or past tense. You used both throughout the story, and it kind of confused me. Just choose a tense and stick with it. If you are writing this from two characters' points of view, then it's even more important to stick with one.

Keep on with this! I like it!


~Reddy

Ooh. Ooh! OOOOOOH! Nutty, this is awesome! *gigglesnomps* I had no idea you were this amazing!

*deep breaths*

Now on to the review.

So yeah, as all these other goons have stated, this was very well-written. Your gender-bender narration is loverly (though, admittedly, I thought he was a girl until his sister shouted, "Brother!" at him). It's a really enjoyable style that you have going on here.

Nitpicks: So um... Apparently this guy's rich? I mean, he has a maid for crying out loud! That's all well and good, but being rich doesn't necessarily mean one has to talk like one is living in Victorian times. In other words, the phrasing your characters use is overly-formal and proper. Unless they're English or rich, you should think about fixing that.

That's it, really. I thought this was wicked awesome, and I'm going to read the next chapters!

-Timmy

P.S. If this involves some kind of fantasy, then you get extra props for that. I think it would be cool if this involved fairies, as RedBird mentioned. If it does involve mythical creatures of some sort, I would suggest making the setting in a big city (think "City of Bones" if you've ever read that). Anyways, bye!