The Story, The Song, and The Picture (chapter one)

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Chapter One:

The pale yellow moon appeared by dusk, but Annie did not even notice it from her bedroom window. A few stars dotted the cloudless sky—now a perfect shade of purple. The neighborhood was completely quiet, except for the howling of dogs in a distance. Other than that, silence settled down on the few houses of Melbourne Avenue.

Annie McMillan sat on her study desk with her back on the window, writing the second chapter of her story in a hardbound notebook. She's been sitting there all day, her mind focused and still, sweating droplets of sweat on her forehead. Her fingers moved slowly, concentrating on her work.

It was a cold summer night; three weeks after the last day of classes. She gave a loud sigh. Three long weeks had passed since the day Annie started writing her novel, spending every possible time with her notebook, yet she was still working on chapter two. Annie hated to admit it, but she's slow when it came to writing and terrible when it came to thinking. Her brain doesn't seem to cooperate with her hands, like it's blocking out thoughts.

Well, it was a part of being a writer, Annie once said. Thinking is mainly 95% of the process, while writing is only five percent of the whole job. But that part kept swirling on her head, and it seems to tell her that she will never finish her story.

Annie sighed once more, remembering the day when she promised her best friend a novel she will work for the whole summer vacation...

~

The sound of the last dismissal bell for the school year echoed loudly on the empty corridors of Blackthorn Academy, releasing the students out of their burdens. Noise filled the hallway as they slam the doors of their classrooms, enjoying their freedom. Some students are gathering their stuff, while others are already chatting about their plans for the summer. It’s the last day of classes, and it’s their way of celebrating it here in Blackthorn Academy.

Annie sat on her favorite place outside, under the shade of a huge maple tree that grew tall on the far corner of the school garden. Leaves covered the ground where she sat with a thick book on her lap. A light breeze caught her brown hair, tossing around in the wind. Annie sat there amidst of all the noise, waiting patiently for Jane Scott, her best friend.

She had known Jane since their freshmen year, and been her best friend ever since. Jane is a budding photographer, who recently had just learned the art of photography, and has been her hobby. She’s an easygoing person, always looking on the brighter side of life.

Jane finally arrived half an hour later, carrying a pile of books, with a Polaroid camera on top of them, and several paper bags around her arms. She had never been known to arrive early on meetings. Quietly, she approached Annie who is now on her feet, with her arms on her hips, glaring at her best friend. Jane, however, only smiled; her face half-hidden from the stuff on her hands.

“I’m sorry I'm late,” she said in a calm voice, before Annie could even start.

“You’re never on time, Jane,” Annie said, returning to her sitting position.

Jane put down her books and paper bags on the soft grass, sat beside her best friend on the ground, and flashed a stolen shot at Annie with the camera.

“As you can see, I have gathered all my stuff from my lockers,” she said as she picked up the photograph that fell on her lap. Jane loves to take pictures of Annie. She grabbed the book Annie had been holding a while ago, which turned out to be a photo album filled with her pictures, and placed the new photo on it.

“Lockers?”

“I have three, remember?” Jane said. “I pleaded with Mrs. Hickman two extra lockers, since I have lots of stuff and needs more space for my things. She agreed, fortunately.” Mrs. Hickman is the school principal.

“I never knew you have three.” Annie said, eyeing the books and paper bags on the ground. “What’s on those bags anyway?”

“Rubbish. All of those pesky test papers, quizzes, assignments, are all in there.” She rolled her eyes, sighing.

“You mean you have three lockers full of trash? I wonder what your locker looks like,” Annie laughed. “I would have kept my test papers.”

“My papers are useless, I will burn them tomorrow,” Jane said. She’s not concerned about her things, burning them if she found them worthless. “Why are we here?” she asked suddenly.

“I can’t think of what to do this summer,” Annie replied. “I want to write a novel, but I’m out of ideas. Can you help me?” She looked at her best friend.

Jane thought for a minute, twisting her blond curls with her fingers. “You want me to help you?”

“That’s what I just said!” Annie said sarcastically.

“I know, I know! But, how can I help you?” Jane asked. “I can’t write.”

“Well, you can give me some ideas.”

Jane smiled. “Okay. I have this idea on my mind, maybe it can help you.” Before Annie could ask, she cut in. “But, I have a deal to make.”

Annie leaned forward, waiting.

“Since it’s my idea, you have to dedicate this novel to me.” She raised her eyebrows.

Annie protested at once. “No! It’s unfair. It’s absolutely—“

She raised her hands. “Okay. I won't help you anymore.”

Annie began to think. Well, she didn’t dedicate a novel to her best friend yet. “Wait. Fine, I’ll agree. I will give you the novel, but you mustn’t read it until it is finished.” She eyed Jane.

“Okay.” Jane said happily, knowing she will always win over her best friend. “So, here’s my idea. A punk guy will meet a lonely girl and they will be friends forever, but not too long because the girl will die from a horrible disease of chicken pox—“

“What? Chicken pox is not fatal!”

Jane shot a look at her. “It’s my idea. She will die from chicken pox, and the guy will kill himself by slashing his wrists because he’s an emo. And they rested in peace happily ever after.”

Annie sighed. “Okay,” she said, knowing this will lead to a fight if she protested once more.

Jane beamed beside her. “Excellent.”

~
Last edited by darkangel_05 on Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:22 am, edited 3 times in total.
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I love writing songs and listening to music and books and daydreaming and coffee at five in the morning.




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HAHA.

i read this while he was still typing it. i kinda like it, LOL, and i was a little jealous because he's got time for this stuff! looks like someone's not busy even if school starts in less than three days. :)

what more can i say? hmm. i'll just wait for the rest.

your sister, dude.
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Hi darkangel. I'm KD. Today I'm gonna give you a little help on...*drumroll*
...Prepositions & Tenses!

(Problems in red. Important corrections/things to point out in italics.)

I found a lot of these problems in this chapter. Here's one preposition problem:
darkangel_05 wrote:Annie McMillan sat on her study desk with her back on the window, writing the second chapter of her story on a hardbound notebook.
So, Annie is writing 'on' the hardbound notebook? That means that you're saying that she's writing on top of it/on the cover. You probably mean that she is writing in/inside of it.
Generally you just have problems with your 'in's and 'on's.
Here's another example for you:
darkangel_05 wrote:A light breeze caught her brown hair, tossing it on the wind.
So, Annie's hair is being thrown on top of the wind? How? Is it being pulled off her head, and then...okay. I think that you mean to say that her hair was being tossed around in the wind.

Now, for tenses! There's not too many tense problems in here, but...
darkangel_05 wrote:Three long weeks had passed since the day Annie started writing her novel, spending every possible time with her notebook, yet she's still working on chapter two.
This should be 'she was still working on chapter two'.

Overall:

I'm interested to see what the plot is for this story, especially since the MC is a writer. ^^ Be careful that your descriptions don't drag down your story. For example, I don't generally think that describing the sky was a very good way to start off your chapter one.

Anyways, good luck! Hope I helped-

KD
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Alright. Hello, Darkangel. I'm Jayleigh. I'm a bit rusty on reviewing and my style is unlike some others on here.

First off, you're tenses scare me. Are we present? Are we past? What's going on? Is this a flash back? I can't figure it out.
I have a few more questions for you:
Why did Annie get so angry at Jane for being late? I'm pretty sure many high schoolers won't put their hands on their hips like a four year old. The mannerisms are more like, she would glance up from her book, mutter "you're late...again" and then move on.

What is Jane's hobby? You mention it twice. First, it was taking pictures. Second, it was taking pictures...but Annie as her model. Just put that Annie is her favorite model...and put why...don't mention hobby a second time. (Just a suggestion)

Why had Annie never seen Jane's locker, not to mention all three of them? If they are best friends, during the school year wouldn't they meet up at each other's lockers? Wouldn't Annie have seen how unorganized her best friend is?

Just some questions you should take into consideration. Now, onto the quotes.

"...pleaded 'with' Mrs..." About lockers.

"I never 'knew'..." again ab out the lockers.

"What's in 'those' bags...?" About the bags in her hands. ---Wouldn't she have just thrown them away in the school instead of using them for kindling?

"'You' want 'me' to help you?" I would put the first 'you' and 'me' into italics to emphasise her confusion.

So, for starters...I have no clue where you are going with this, but good luck. Any questions pm me.

--Jayleigh
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Hey there! Here as promised.

Quotes 'n' Comments


Her long fingers moved slowly, concentrating on her work.


So, I don't know about anyone else, but with the description of 'long fingers' I pictured them as alien fingers. I pictured them as long alien fingers with long gross fingernails. Some descriptions are nice and give off wonderful imagery, but I don't think this is one of the images you want to portray. I would consider changing long to something like 'slender'? It gives off a prettier picture. ;)

Annie hated to admit it, but she's slow when it comes to writing and terrible when it comes to thinking.


So you change tenses here with the 'comes', or the bold words. Writing is a bit confusing when it comes to tenses. Some present-tense words sound fine in a story that's written in past tense, but not with these words. They should be replaced with 'came.'

She had known Jane since their freshmen year, and became her best friend ever since.


There's something wrong with how this sentence sounds. I think it's the 'ever since' part. You aren't talking in present tense, so ever since doesn't work. Actually, I get it now. If you're going to say 'ever since' the 'became' needs to be 'been.' Therefore the tenses aren't confused... Yeah that's right. lol

Jane’s hobby is taking pictures of Annie, her favorite model


'Her favorite model,' gives off a gross tone to me. It gives off a snooty, stuck-up tone. I don't like it at all. I would suggest deleting that part, because you don't really need it anyways. Plus, it's just plain awkward. I'm sorry I'm doing so many nit-picks I just felt as though I needed to point certain things out! Moving on...

“Okay. I will not help you anymore.” She raised her hands.


I think the action, 'she raised her hands' would sound better at the beginning of this. You know when you actually raise your hands when speaking in a conversation, you do it while saying what you're defending or taking back? If you said it before, then it would give us the picture of your character doing it as she speaks. Plus, 'I will not' sounds too formal for high school dialogue. Try to remember that in your narrative parts, you can write in correct English, but when you are having a person speak, it needs to sound slangy. I think it would sound better as "I won't."

Well, she didn’t dedicate a novel to her best friend yet, and here’s her chance.


I really don't know what to say about this sentence. It's completely awkward and makes no sense to me whatsoever. Didn't she just say that she didn't want to dedicate a novel to you friend? And has she published a million novels and dedicated one to everyone but her friend? It just makes her seem a bit stuck up, and the last thing you want is your MC sounding stuck up. ^^

Speed

Okay, so your speed was alright. It kind of bugged me that you back flashed so early on in the story. It would have probably been easier just to put that as the beginning of the story, but oh well! Don't start moving too fast or too slow!

Content

Something I don't like about this is that I don't know where it's going. You introduce no conflict, and your character isn't divided. I'm just afraid that you don't know exactly what your story is yet, but I will trust you as a writer to know. What I did like about this is that your characters are extremely funny! The way they interact with each other is marvelous. I think you picked two personalities that go really well with each other, so good job on that!

However, I feel as though the development of these characters is the only important thing in this. I don't see plot, and there isn't even that much character development! Just be aware when writing a story to know what you're writing for, and what you want to get to by the next chapter, or there will never be a meaningful chapter.

I wish you the best, and keep writing 'cause you are good at it! Keep those characters alive!

Sam.




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thanks for all the help!
Sometimes B sharp,
Never B flat,
Always B natural.

I love writing songs and listening to music and books and daydreaming and coffee at five in the morning.




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Hello there, Dark!

Here to you-know-it. (As requested)

Okay, you'll see this review, a not-so-lengthy one 'cause the previous readers above me said already the things that I'm supposed to say. So please, understand.

First of all, I would like to say that you've improved much much better than before. If my memory serves me right, the prologue of this novel was like lacking of necessary things such as descriptions, the show don't tell thing-y and many others. I can really see you take people's advice and that's really good. It would let you know your mistakes that you need to correct and edit on. :wink:

Second, let's go to the good things. You have a good starting line that catches my attention to read this until the end. Your usage of imagery is really good. Your spellings are good and I could really see that you're struggling well when it comes to your tenses. As with your grammar... well, I think I'm not the right person to correct you on that but I say, those awkward sentences are gone now. :D

Third, I'll go to the things that quite confused me or what made me slow down a bit and pondered it. As far as I can see, you really have problems with prepositions. It's because I think you don't use them on the right place especially when it comes to 'in' or 'on'. I won't repeat the things that the other reviewers have already stated, so I won't bother to it anymore. All I can say is that you really need to practice and study more about them. So don't get sleepy during your English class, okay? :wink:

Jane finally arrived half an hour later, carrying a pile of books, with a Polaroid camera on top of them, and several paper bags on her arms.


I prefer to use 'around'.


Others:

“You’re never on time, Jane,” Annie said, returning to her seat.


This confused me a bit. i thought Annie was sitting under the maple chair and if you mentioned 'returning to her seat'... it would only mean that she was sitting on a bench. Rephrase it, something that relates with 'squatting down'.


“I’m sorry I am late,” she said in a calm voice, before Annie could even start.

That sounds formal, try writing it like: "I'm".


She grabbed the book Annie had been reading a while ago, which turned out to be a photo album filled with her pictures, and placed the new photo on it.


She was reading a photo album? I don't think you should use the word 'reading' in the first place.


Quietly, she approached Annie who was now on her feet, with her arms on her hips, glaring at her best friend.



Overall:

I'm really intrigue to know what will happen next. So I'm really impressed of this piece of yours. All I want to say is that you need practice, practice and more practice! believe me, practicing helps you to become better at these things. Even i do practice. So you're really not alone. Do I still need to say that I like this because I think it kind of explain or it's enough said already just by looking at my comments here. :D PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri
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thanks yuri! :D
Sometimes B sharp,
Never B flat,
Always B natural.

I love writing songs and listening to music and books and daydreaming and coffee at five in the morning.




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darkangel_05 wrote:Chapter One:

The pale yellow moon appeared by dusk, but Annie did not even notice it from her bedroom window. A few stars dotted the cloudless sky—now a perfect shade of purple. The neighborhood was completely quiet, except for the howling of dogs in a (the) distance. Other than that, silence settled down(maybe add some sort of description like, silence settled down like a blanket or something?) on the few houses of Melbourne Avenue.

Annie McMillan sat on her study desk with her back on the window, writing the second chapter of her story in a hardbound notebook. She's been sitting there all day, her mind focused and still, sweating droplets of sweat maybe use another word here instead of saying sweat againon her forehead. Her fingers moved slowly, concentrating on her work.

It was a cold summer night; three weeks after the last day of classes. She gave a loud sigh. Three long weeks had passed since the day Annie started writing her novel, spending every possible time with her notebook, yet she was still working on chapter two. Annie hated to admit it, but she's slow when it came to writing and terrible when it came to thinking. Her brain doesn't seem to cooperate with her hands, like it's blocking out thoughts.

Well, it was a part of being a writer, Annie once said. Thinking is mainly 95% of the process, while writing is only five percent of the whole job. But that part kept swirling on her head, and it seems to tell her that she will never finish her story.

Annie sighed once more, remembering the day when she promised her best friend a novel she will work for the whole summer vacation...

~

The sound of the last dismissal bell for the school year echoed loudly on the empty corridors of Blackthorn Academy, releasing the students out of their burdens. Noise filled the hallway as they slam the doors of their classrooms, enjoying their freedom. Some students are gathering their stuff, while others are already chatting about their plans for the summer. It’s the last day of classes, and it’s their way of celebrating it here in Blackthorn Academy.

Annie sat on her favorite place outside, under the shade of a huge maple tree that grew tall on the far corner of the school garden. Leaves covered the ground where she sat with a thick book on her lap. A light breeze caught her brown hair, tossing around in the wind. Annie sat there amidst of all the noise, waiting patiently for Jane Scott, her best friend.

She had known Jane since their freshmen year, and been her best friend ever since. Jane is a budding photographer, who recently had just learned the art of photography, and has been her hobby. She’s an easygoing person, always looking on the brighter side of life.

Jane finally arrived half an hour later, carrying a pile of books, with a Polaroid camera on top of them, and several paper bags around her arms. She had never been known to arrive early on meetings. Quietly, she approached Annie who is now on her feet, with her arms on her hips, glaring at her best friend. Jane, however, only smiled; her face half-hidden from the stuff on her hands.

“I’m sorry I'm late,” she said in a calm voice, before Annie could even start.

“You’re never on time, Jane,” Annie said, returning to her sitting position.

Jane put down her books and paper bags on the soft grass, sat beside her best friend on the ground, and flashed a stolen shot at Annie with the camera.

“As you can see, I have gathered all my stuff from my lockers,” she said as she picked up the photograph that fell on her lap. Jane loves to take pictures of Annie. She grabbed the book Annie had been holding a while ago, which turned out to be a photo album filled with her pictures, and placed the new photo on it.

“Lockers?”

“I have three, remember?” Jane said. “I pleaded with Mrs. Hickman two extra lockers, since I have lots of stuff and needs more space for my things. She agreed, fortunately.” Mrs. Hickman is the school principal.

“I never knew you have three.” Annie said, eyeing the books and paper bags on the ground. “What’s on those bags anyway?”

“Rubbish. All of those pesky test papers, quizzes, assignments, are all in there.” She rolled her eyes, sighing.

“You mean you have three lockers full of trash? I wonder what your locker looks like,” Annie laughed. “I would have kept my test papers.”

“My papers are useless, I will burn them tomorrow,” Jane said. She’s not concerned about her things, burning them if she found them worthless. “Why are we here?” she asked suddenly.

“I can’t think of what to do this summer,” Annie replied. “I want to write a novel, but I’m out of ideas. Can you help me?” She looked at her best friend.

Jane thought for a minute, twisting her blond curls with her fingers. “You want me to help you?”

“That’s what I just said!” Annie said sarcastically.

“I know, I know! But, how can I help you?” Jane asked. “I can’t write.”

“Well, you can give me some ideas.”

Jane smiled. “Okay. I have this idea on my mind, maybe it can help you.” Before Annie could ask, she cut in. “But, I have a deal to make.”

Annie leaned forward, waiting.

“Since it’s my idea, you have to dedicate this novel to me.” She raised her eyebrows.

Annie protested at once. “No! It’s unfair. It’s absolutely—“

She raised her hands. “Okay. I won't help you anymore.”

Annie began to think. Well, she didn’t dedicate a novel to her best friend yet. “Wait. Fine, I’ll agree. I will give you the novel, but you mustn’t read it until it is finished.” She eyed Jane.

“Okay.” Jane said happily, knowing she will always win over her best friend. “So, here’s my idea. A punk guy will meet a lonely girl and they will be friends forever, but not too long because the girl will die from a horrible disease of chicken pox—“

“What? Chicken pox is not fatal!”

Jane shot a look at her. “It’s my idea. She will die from chicken pox, and the guy will kill himself by slashing his wrists because he’s an emo. And they rested in peace happily ever after.”

Annie sighed. “Okay,” she said, knowing this will lead to a fight if she protested once more.

Jane beamed beside her. “Excellent.”

~


once again, your tenses are way off... maybe make this chapter a little longer, also, flesh it out a little bit. It could certainly use some description. Some of the dialogue is a little awkward also.
Good work, though.
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Hey there darkangel. I am here to review, of course. When I read the prologue a long time ago, I didn't find it very interesting even though the musician thing caught my interest.

A few stars dotted the cloudless sky—now a perfect shade of purple.
I loved this description so much that I am thinking of using it somewhere in my novel-but then it would be plagiarism and that's not me.

Annie McMillan sat on her study desk with her back on the window, writing the second chapter of her story in a hardbound notebook.

If you wnat to say that her back was facing the window then use it: with her back to the window.
But if you mean she was leaing against it then you should write: with her back against the window.
I told this beause somehow I din't think that what you wrote was all right. Maybe I am wrong.

She's been sitting there all day, her mind focused and still, sweating droplets of sweat on her forehead.
This line tellls me thta her mind was sweating the droplets because there is no doer in front of 'sweating'. That seemed off to me.

Her brain doesn't seem to cooperate with her hands, like as if it's blocking out thoughts.


But that part kept swirling in her head, and it seems to tell her that she will never finish her story.


The sound of the last dismissal bell for the school year echoed loudly on the empty corridors of Blackthorn Academy, releasing the students out of their burdens.
The word 'on' here means that the bell rang on the loors only, whih isn't so. So you should replace it with 'in'.

Jane shot a look at her. “It’s my idea. She will die from chicken pox, and the guy will kill himself by slashing his wrists because he’s an emo. And they rested in peace happily ever after.”
Jane is so funny nd adamant.

Overall it was satisfactory but nothing as 'wow', sorry. The story confused me a bit. Like the prologue said the same day as you desribed now. But there came a musician then. Was it after Jane gives Annie the idea for her novel? I would reallly like to know so that I don't get confused.

There;s seriously one very good thing about our writitng. You describe the atmosphere, environment and the surrouning excently. So thumbs up!

Keep up the good work and I am off to review the nex chapter.

~Shubhi
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I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Hallo, ich bin Kiara. That is "Hello, I am Kiara" in the German language. I will be reviewing this chapter of your piece, here. Possibly, if I enjoy it a whole lot, I'll also review even more chapters. Let's get started!

The pale, yellow moon appeared by dusk,

"Well, it was a part of being a writer," Annie once said.

But that part kept swirling in her head,

Leaves covered the ground where she sat with a thick book on her lap.

This is a bit unbelievable, since it's based in the Summer. Not many leaves are around sitting on the ground much during Summer, and definitely now enough to cover the ground.
A light breeze caught her brown hair, tossing it around in the wind.

Jane is a budding photographer, who recently had just learned the art of photography, and has been her hobby. She’s an easygoing person, always looking on the brighter side of life.

Indirect characterization of a character like Jane-- a best friend of the main character-- would be preferred.
Jane loves to take pictures of Annie.

We-- the readers-- can tell. No need to state it.
“I pleaded with Mrs. Hickman to get two extra lockers,"

“I never knew you had three.”
“What’s on those bags, anyway?”

"...All of those pesky test papers, quizzes, and assignments, are all in there.”

There is no need for the orange comma after "Assignments."
She’s not concerned about her things, burning them if she found them worthless.

Again, we can tell. Readers would be able to make that indication themselves, so no need to state it within the story.

Overall:
I quite enjoyed this chapter, here. I liked that we got to know the main character, and her best friend, before her love interest is introduced. Your writing style is likable, and I'm interested in plot of the main character going through what you are/have gone through, writing a novel and all. That's new and fresh.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.



have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady