The Price

I wrote this one on a dark day, not really knowing what it meant to me...I just let the words flow from my pen onto the page....tell me what you think!


I have kissed the lips of death
Traced the features of his face
I have stayed with him a while
Cursed to wander by his side.
Under the light of his flameless torch
Within the confines of his robe
Lies the never beating heart
Blackened in his chest.
The soul that I once had
Was placed within his bony grasp
Shattered, lost forever
Leaving me a prize of his.
What caused my hand to tip?
What made my choice surreal?
Why did my hand with blood
Sign by the broken seal?
Love makes the mind go crazy
and when mine died that day
I swore we'd be together
This is the price I pay.

Wow, this is a dark poem. It's really good, as far as I can tell. It has a lot of meaning. Sorry if this isn't a good review, I'm not good with poetry. Either way, I really like this one! Keep it up! <3

Hi,

I really enjoyed the form here. The first four lines are really great. I'd put a comma after "while".

I'd change "Blackened in his chest" as it flows a bit bumpily and I found it a bit dull, not as visual as your previous lines. I'd also change;
"The soul that I once had
Was placed within his bony grasp
Shattered, lost forever"
as the references to the soul are too abstract. I'd try for a more concrete description of the speaker's physical reaction to him.

I love "What caused my hand to tip?
What made my choice surreal?"

I'd change the last six lines as the references to love and blood are a bit dull, and I think the death is too general, too easy. Again I'd try for a more visual description of what has happened and how the characters are reacting.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hello there
Well, this is basically what I like to call a deep poem! And I liked it. There were some parts though which I did not get when I read but after a good three runs I finally felt the emotion and the true meaning. You did a good job. Keep writing.
Ziggie

Hey,
Your poems are so awesome, never stop writing! The imagery is so dark and perfect for the topic. I love how I can feel the hurt and pain from the words themselves.

Why did my hand with blood
Sign by the broken seal?

This didn't make much sense tome. Should it be sign the broken seal?

This is the price I pay.

I think this shouldn't be the end of the poem. as a reader when I read that last line it makes me feel like the poem in unfinished, and it doesn't really feel like it fits the poem. Maybe lengthen the poem to make a full circle and finally get to this point.

Any questions or need more reviews feel free to ask
Have a great day,

Tiffany

Whoa, this is really cool. And sometimes the best stuff we don't understand where they came from ourselves, so yeah.

I have kissed the lips of death Good opening line here
Traced the features of his face
I have stayed with him a while
Cursed to wander by his side.
Under the light of his flameless torch Flameless torch = aweseom possum
Within the confines of his robe
Lies the never beating heart This got me really interested.
Blackened in his chest.
The soul that I once had
Was placed within his bony grasp
Shattered, lost forever Great line.
Leaving me a prize of his.
What caused my hand to tip?
What made my choice surreal? I love these questiosn here...
Why did my hand with blood
Sign by the broken seal?
Love makes the mind go crazy So true!
and when mine died that day
I swore we'd be together
This is the price I pay.

This was really dark and eerie but exctremely well writ. Keep up the great work!