Hey ash great job poem of the possible future to come. Every has their own idea of how the end will come it was interesting to read your doomsday theory. I also like how you describe nearly every nations government for what you truly think it is. I myself remain neutral on both subjects and try to live my life for what it is. Anyways great job on your first post. As a review I thought it was flawless I didn't see any mistakes and the poem flowed smoothly (besides a few bumps here and there). Keep it up! -Dawn
The first thing that grabbed my attention was the lack of punctuation. Everything in this poem just runs together into a mess of of ideas because there's no punctuation to separate them. Poetry generally follows the same rules of punctuation as prose, and not using punctuation makes your poetry difficult to read.
The next thing I noticed was that there was no pattern to the rhyming even within stanzas. Rhymes rely on patterns to work, so if there's no pattern, rhymes fall apart. Right now, you start and stop rhyming at random, and the rhyming lines are often of unequal lengths. As a result, your poem did not flow well at all, and the rhyme became more detrimental than helpful for your poem. I suggest you establish a rhyme pattern and even up the rhyming line lengths or write this poem without any rhymes.
The last major issue that caught my eye was your idea jumping. You have so many ideas in here that you pull in and drop without any apparent reason. What happened to the "I" in the first stanza? They never reappear in the poem. Who is this "we" or "our"? What does everything have to do with everything else? Basically, with all these ideas rammed into this poem, you've wound up with a disjointed mass of concepts that don't mesh together and wind up being pretty near incomprehensible. I suggest that you go through and weed out all the ideas that are not directly part of the core theme of the poem. Then, make sure the connections are clearly shown between all the elements of the theme before supporting it further with more ideas and images, all the while making sure to show the connection between these added ideas and the core ones.
This poem flows really well and the imagry of it is amazing. I do have a couple of nitpicks, however: 1. "Full of hatred and shame is coming", I think if you shorten the line to "Full of hatred an shame", it may flow better. 2. I think, due to the use of the swear word, you should give it a age rating.
Other than that, overall it was a good poem and I hope to read more of your work in future.
