I really really really cannot think of a title

I rated this 18 because there are a few references to sex, even though they are quite vague.

Author's note: I didn't describe the MC on purpose. I would prefer you to use your imagination because the story is so short and appearances are unimportant in such cases, I think. Also, this is my first time writing in present tense, so sorry in advance if I mess up.

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Best scenario: he calls and tells me how much he has been thinking about last night. He tells me he does not regret what happened at all, and assures me that what we did won’t alter our friendship in the slightest. He throws me a compliment here and there, and ends the conversation by suggesting we repeat what happened last night soon. Hopefully very soon.

Worst scenario: he yells at me for allowing it all to happen. He claims the alcohol was also at fault, and our night together was just a moment of misjudgement which can never happen again.

Even worse scenario: he punches me in the face for seducing him. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.

A knock at the front door interrupts my train of thought.

Uh-oh. I glance at the clock, instantly alarmed. Six-thirty, the time he always comes over right after work so that we can hang out. My parents don’t mind his frequent visits because they’re usually always out anyway.

I leave the kitchen and hurry through the hall and to the front door in a daze, my stomach lurching as I picture him standing there in wait.

I throw the door open, quickly arranging my face into an expression that didn’t scream ‘well, this is awkward’.

I do a double take. Huh? Where is he? Feeling betrayed, I scan the street eagerly, hoping to see him somewhere. Not only is he nowhere to be seen, the entire street is void of life. Growling in annoyance, I begin to close the door, but at the last second I notice a folded sheet of paper on the doorstep with my name written across the top.

As I lean out of the house to snatch up the note, I smell the delicious scent of his cologne in the air, which confirms my hopeful thoughts. The message is from him.

“Meet me at our special place, we need to talk. I hope you come soon, love Taylor.”

I grasp the doorjamb for support, suddenly unable to breathe. I hope our special place isn’t about to become ‘that place I now avoid because it reminds me of the day Taylor ripped my heart out of my chest’. That would suck.

TheEvilWithin wrote:

Best scenario: He calls and tells me how much he has been thinking about last night. He tells me he does not regret what happened at all, and assures me that what we did, won’t alter our friendship in the slightest. He throws me a compliment here and there, and ends the conversation by suggesting we repeat what happened last night soon. Hopefully very soon.

Worst scenario: he yells at me for allowing it all to happen. He claims the alcohol was also at fault, and our night together was just a moment of misjudgement which can never happen again.

Even worse scenario: he punches me in the face for seducing him. I really hope it doesn’t come to that.

A knock at the front door interrupts my train of thought.

Uh-oh. I glance at the clock, instantly alarmed. Six-thirty, the time he always comes over right after work so that we can hang out. My parents don’t mind his frequent visits because they’re usually always (two adverbs, you can just basically choose one) out anyway.

I leave the kitchen and hurry through the hall and to the front door in a daze, my stomach lurching as I picture him standing there in wait.

I throw (throw quite looks awkward, other words perhaps?) the door open, quickly arranging my face into an expression that didn’t scream, ‘well, this is awkward’. (I don't know why, but you have to show us her feelings throughout this scene, and also state why it shows awkwardness)

I do a double take. Huh? Where is he? Feeling betrayed, I scan the street eagerly, hoping to see him somewhere. Not only is he nowhere to be seen, the entire street is void of life. Growling in annoyance, I begin to close the door, but at the last second I notice a folded sheet of paper on the doorstep with my name written across the top. (he was gone that fast?)

As I lean out of the house to snatch up the note, I smell the delicious scent of his cologne in the air, which confirms my hopeful thoughts. The message is from him.

“Meet me at our special place, we need to talk. I hope you come soon, love Taylor.”

I grasp the doorjamb for support, suddenly unable to breathe. I hope our special place isn’t about to become ‘that place I now avoid because it reminds me of the day Taylor ripped my heart out of my chest’. That would suck.

First off, I was so sure that I would regret reviewing this but fortunately, I didn't! I think it'll be better if you have just rated this 12+ or 16+, not 18, 'cause as you said there are no scene that collaborates with you-know-what. And thank you for requesting.

Okay, focus now. I think this is quite well-written. Spellings are great and so with your tenses. You stick to one, so yay for that. I think this is good to be prologue but a good too for a short story. You seemed to have less punctuations, so I think you need to work on that.You also didn't have some awkward sentences. I think I'm not the right person to review much on the grammar part but I say, this was clean and neat.


Really, I know you said you didn't describe your MC on purpose but that's what really bore me here. Emotions and attitudes coming from the MC are somewhat like supporting your storyline. You need to describe more of their emotions, not only just physical things. How can we feel bad, happy for your MC when infact, even a 'happy' or a 'sad' word is not in your plot? Connection comes when reader feels what is the MC's feeling. Describe here the atmosphere or something that the MC senses. I know you want to make this short as below a thousand words but it's not enough to really feel the depth into your story. You don't have to make it very short just because you wanted it to be short. Informations are really necessary, essential to a story.

I think what you really need is descriptions. Yup, you really need it. This story is plainly all telling. Show do not tell- is a basic thing a writers needs to remember. (You can Google this if you want to) Also, practice. You need it to improve your literary skills.

Overall: I like the idea of this piece. The flow of the story's good too. I can also see this story has its potential to be better. And I'm really intrigue to know what will happen next.
PM me for questions, comments, violent reactions, etc.
Hope I helped.

keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hey there and welcome to YWS
First of all, love your avatar. Anyways, your avatar is not the only thing I liked, you are a great storyteller. I loved your story. At first I was worried but as it developed, that is where your skill showed. There was suspense and I felt the urge to read on until the end. I don't think that your story should be rated 18 , maybe an innocent 13+.
The only thing I would advice you on is the use of words like "they're" for example, instead of "they are"; you can only use "they're" when you are quoting a character because it is informal.
Anyways, good story, good job.
Ziggie

Thanks Yuri, I found your comments most helpful. I'm going to rework it so it isn't so tell-y. Not too much, mind. I think that because it's so basic, it give the reader the impression that the story will be quick and will get straight to the point. It wont hurt to have a little more description on the MC's emotions, though. Thanks for your help!

Ziggie. Evanescence is a great band, no? Thank you for your comment. I think the reason I used "they are" is because I'm writing a novel in third person, which is a lot more formal. It's quite challenging to switch your writing style so suddenly when writing a new story. Thanks for pointing that slip up out to me, I will change it when I edit.

Thanks for reading guys,

Evil

This is great. I loved this. I can't find anything wrong with it, since you already said you proposefully didn't describe the MC, which I'm guessing is a boy, right? Nice twist. The fact I wasn't sure about this [plus the fact I have no idea what our MC looks like] bugged me a little, but the piece was too short for it to make any real damage.
I am really just assuming it's a guy, so I'm refering to your MC as a he from now. His character was great - full of little comments. I loved it. The emotions you described made sense, they fit the situation, and also they were described in a really great way. I felt like I already know the Mc. And was happy for knowing him.
The plot was clear: I can't begin to explain how much I like the openning paragraphs, I think that most people could relate to them and that they just sucked me in to the story.
It was very short, which sucks, because it was just so good. I kept wanting to read more I like your style of writing very much. If you ever need anything reviewed, don't hesitate to PM me!
I know this wasn't very helpful, but look at it as a cheer-you-on kind of review - I just couldn't find anything wrong.
Ofir

I wont lie, of course it was a boy. It's obvious when you think about it, because he says "hanging out" and doesn't seem like a girl (well he clearly isn't a manly boy but you know what I mean). I guess I could continue. I could write another chapter and see what kind of response I get.

Thanks for the inspiration!

Evil