"Unfortunately... I love you" Chapter 2 (Draft #1)

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On my way home from school, I was sadly thinking about how boring it would be going to the 9th grade Prom Dance all alone because nobody had asked me. I mean.. a boy did, but he's the “John Tucker” from my school, David Díaz; he does not count.
While I was walking one of my best friends, Jonathan González, started walking with me. At school everyone called him ”The hidden prince” because underneath a nerd laugh and glasses he had a beautiful personality. And beautiful hazel eyes.

“Janette? Would you, um... W-will you g-go to the dance...” He asked stuttering.

“Of course I will go...I wouldn't miss it for the world!” I said, really exited

“...with me?”

“Umm... uu..Yes,” I replied.

“Awesome, thanks!” He said as he walked away with a smile on his face.

“You're welcome?” I said to myself. And then, I saw him walking back to me.

“Do you want me to walk you to your house?” He asked nervously.

“Well...” I said all freaked out!

“Let me carry your backpack,” He said gently as he took it from my hands.

Later it started raining, we enjoyed the pouring rain walking and laughing in the middle of the street. Rain drops covered our faces, lots of them falling over our heads. When a car appeared behind us, Jonathan took my hand and pulled me to the sidewalk. I notice the person in the car opened the window; it was my sister.

“What are you guys doing in the middle of the street? You could have been hit by a car,” She exclaimed. “Now get inside the car, I'm gonna take you home,”

We sat in the back of the car and we silently laughed at Jezlynne.

“I can't believe it, my sister and my brother-in-law in the middle of the street acting like two foolish children...” She was complaining as she dropped Jonathan off at his house. On our way home she was still havering.

“Just imagine, what would've happened if one...” continued Jezlynne her pep talk.

“Oh, my God, Jez! Guess what?... Jonathan asked me to the Prom” I said.

“What? Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?” she asked.

“Umm.. No!” I answered.

“No way! ”

“Yes, way!”

“And... What are you wearing to the Prom?” Jezlynne asked me.

“Well, I'm going to be wearing a peach... Wait. What is Jonathan wearing to the Prom?” I asked worried.

“Well, I don't know.” She answered.

“Imagine it... What if he wears an overcoat with a red bow-tie and purple socks? Jez, you've got to help me!” I said

“How?”

“Well, what if you talk to your boyfriend? Maybe you guys could go to the mall and help him pick what he's going to wear. I suppose Steven won't mind, I mean, Jonathan is his brother.” I said.

“What? No way...” She answered.

“Come on do it for your little sister” I said with a “puppy face” expression on my face.

“Don't... Okay, I'll ask him.”


The night of the Prom, Jonathan looked really handsome as he had no glasses on. I was wearing a peach long dress and my mom combed my hair, the room was amazingly decorated and there were lights everywhere. I discovered Jonathan was a pretty good dancer, but the music... Well at first I thought I was at a 1965 alumnus' reunion, but then I realized the teachers were the ones picking the music. So we danced to old-style songs like, “Love Letters in The Sand” by Pat Boone and “The Twist” by Chubby Checker. Anyway, there were only three couples dancing to those songs including us, but then a bunch of the 07 alumnus, including Jezlynne and Steven, came in with two big loudspeakers. “This Prom will be different than the others!” yelled one of them, and everybody screamed, “Yeah!”.

After long time dancing one of our friends, Jeniffer, stood by our side.

“Hey, Jonathan,” she said.

“Hey, Jeniffer,” he said as I stopped dancing.

"Do you want to dance with me? I mean... I hope you don't mind, Janny." She added quickly.

“Off course I don't mind... Go ahead and have some fun,” I said kindly.

I went to get some punch and started looking all around me, I though “Wow, Jezlynne and Steven make a great couple!” Then, I saw Jeniffer and “The hidden prince” and realized they made a pretty good couple, too. And I still think they're perfect for each other, because I can easily say she's “The hidden nerd”.
Last edited by GeeLyria on Mon Jul 26, 2010 11:39 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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I liked the beginning ok, but towards the end, it grew boring and your grammar became really, just bad.

First he made me trip, at least he's a gentleman and he help me get off the floor. Then he put his hand on his pocket and showed his new flash light, and he turn it on because “it was to dark”.

This should be something like:
"First he made me trip. But he's a gentleman, so he helped me get off the floor.
Then, he put his hand in his pocket and showed me his new flashlight, which he had to turn on because "it was too dark." "

I really liked the title; the beginning was fun and quirky, but as I said, the end was just one huge blah monologue.
Don't be sad though!! This has potential to be something really good and funny; it just needs to have a new and different plot line, one less used.
Keep writing!!!
toodles!
~emerley.
My sister: I'll never forget that day... It was raining wasn't it?
Me: ...no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a review? PM me and I will take care of it. :]

**previously known as EAHailstone**




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Hello again, here to review your revised chp. 2 and comment and do some grammar work:
I will delete some things and change others just for good flow. They will be bolded.
On my way home you had put that you were going to school, but later you said Jez took her and him home, so I changed it here for you., I was sadly thinking about how boring it would be going to the 9th grade Prom Dance all alone because nobody had asked me. Well, a boy did, but he's the “John Tucker” from my school, David Díaz; he does not count.
While I was walking, one of my best friends, Jonathan González, started walking with me. At school everyone called him ”The hidden prince” because underneath a nerd laugh and glasses he had a beautiful personality and gorgeous hazel eyes.

“Jannette?... Would you... umm... Will you go to the dance...?” He asked stuttering.

“Of course I will go...I wouldn't miss it for the world!” I said, really exicited.

“...with me?”

“Umm... uhh..Yes,” I replied, slightly embarassed.

“Awesome, thanks!” He said as he walked away with a smile on his face.

“You're welcome?” I said to myself. And then I saw him walking back to me.

“Do you want me to walk you to your house?” He asked nervously.

“Well...” I said, all freaked out!

“Let me carry your backpack,” He said gently as he took it from my hands.

When it started raining later, we enjoyed the downpour, walking and laughing in the middle of the street. Rain drops covered our faces, lots of them falling over our heads. When a car appeared behind us, Jonathan took my hand and pulled me to the sidewalk. I recognized the car and driver as the window rolled down; it was my sister.

“What are you guys doing in the middle of the street? You could have been hit by a car,” she exclaimed. “Now get inside the car; I'm gonna take you home.

We sat in the back of the car and silently laughed at Jezlynne.

“I can't believe it; my sister and my brother-in-law in the middle of the street acting like two foolish children...” She was complaining as she dropped Jonathan off at his house. On our way home she was still havering.

“Just imagine what would've happened if one...” continued Jezlynne her pep talk.

“Change the theme!” I yelled in my mind. I don't understand this line.

“Oh, my God, Jez! Guess what?... Jonathan asked me to the Prom,” I said.

“What? Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?” she asked.

“Umm.. No!” I answered.

“No way! ”

“Yes, way!”

“And... What are you wearing to the Prom?” Jezlynne asked me.

“Well, I'm going to be wearing a peach... Wait. What is Jonathan wearing to the Prom?” I asked, worried.

“Well, I don't know,she answered.

“Imagine it... What if he wears an overcoat with a red bow-tie and purple socks? Jez, you've got to help me!” I exclaimed.

“How?”

“Well, what if you talk to your boyfriend? Maybe you guys could go to the mall and help him pick out what he's going to wear. I suppose Steven won't mind, I mean, Jonathan is his brother,” I said.

“What? No way...” She answered.

“Come on do it for your little sister,” I said giving her a puppy face.

“Don't... Okay, I'll ask him.”


The night of the Prom, Jonathan looked really handsome without his glasses on. I was wearing a long peach dress and my mom combed my hair if you're going to mention her hair, I would describe it more. Say it was curled or put into a complicated up-do. The room was amazingly decorated with lights everywhere. I discovered Jonathan was a pretty good dancer, but the music... Well at first I thought I was at a 1965 alumnus' reunion, but then I realized the teachers were the ones picking the music. So we danced to old-style songs like “Love Letters in the Sand” by Pat Boone and “The Twist” by Chubby Checker.

Anyway, there were only three couples dancing to those songs including us, but then a bunch of the 07 alumnus, including Jezlynne and Steven, came in with two big loudspeakers.

“This Prom will be different than the others!” yelled one of them, and everybody screamed, “Yeah!”.

After we had danced a long time, one of our friends, Jeniffer, stood by our side.

“Hey, Jonathan,” she said.

“Hey, Jeniffer,” he said as I stopped dancing.

"Do you want to dance with me? I mean... I hope you don't mind, Janny," she added quickly.

“Of course I don't mind... Go ahead and have some fun,” I said kindly.

I went to get some punch and started looking all around me... I thought, “Wow, Jezlynne and Steven make a great couple!” Then I saw Jeniffer and “The hidden prince” and realized they made a pretty good couple, too. And I still think they're perfect for each other, because I can easily say she's “The hidden nerd”.


I think she should be a little bothered by Jeniffer stealing her date. Not a lot, just a little. Maybe even a pang of lonliness?
This was much, much better. Your grammar has improved greatly. I only fixed a few typos and then my many nit-picks.

So keep on writing! :]
Toodles!
~emerley.
My sister: I'll never forget that day... It was raining wasn't it?
Me: ...no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Need a review? PM me and I will take care of it. :]

**previously known as EAHailstone**




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The other reviewers already commented on the 'mistakes' part so all I'm gonna say is that I can't connect the first chapter to this chapter. It was like a totally different story, and a totally different Jannette too! She was rude in the first chapter but then she is kind of kind in this chapter. As I said in your former 2nd chapter, don't hurry the story. Make the readers live every sentence like it takes a minute to read. Ugh, I'm not understandable lol. Keywords: Don't rush.

Anyway, this is really an interesting story, and I'm starting to love the title too xD.

Good luck with the upcoming chapters! :D
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Hello there, Solva!

Here to you-know-it. :wink:

I won't review much or bother your grammatical errors since EAHailstone has pretty much covered it all. I'm just going to do some nitpicks here.


“Jannette?... Would you... umm... Will you go to the dance...?” He asked stuttering.

“Of course I will go...I wouldn't miss it for the world!” I said really exited

“...with me?”

“Umm... uu..Yes,” I replied.



I have noticed that you kept on using ellipses here. It's a bit annoying for me, seriously, because you sometimes used it in the wrong places. Sorry.

"Jannette?... Would you... umm... Will you go to the dance...?” He asked stuttering."

The colored red word indicates that you used it the wrong way. And if you used the 'stuttering' word, I should expect something that relates an action/statement to that. Like this: "u-um..." Something like that but as I could only see, there's only ellipses going on here.

I would like to prefer that you use this (although this is just a suggestion):

Janette? Would you, um... W-will you g-go to the dance..." he paused then continued, "with me?"

Also, I would like too see some descriptions here, like, how did Jonathan look like when he asked Janette for the dance? Descriptions and emotions are really necessary throughout your story.


Later it started raining, we enjoyed the pouring rain walking and laughing in the middle of the street.


I would like you to state here that they're crossing the road, instead of laughing in the middle of the road. I mean, that's just too dangerous. :mrgreen:


“Change the theme!” I yelled in my mind.


I really don't get the 'theme' part, it's confusing. :?


I think I can see this story of having a likely potential, 'cause one way or another, I think I like this. Just so you know, you need to work on your grammatical errors and please try lessening your usage of ellipses. If you use it, then do it in the correct place and time. Also, you seemed to speed up the pace so I think it will be better if you just have to make things slowly. I also want some good descriptions in here because I think it's what your chapter needs.

Your ending line's good because you left me intriguing to know what will happen next and that's a good thing. In that way, it'll increase the interest of the readers to read your novel.

So, I think you just have to work on your errors and put some emotions and descriptions here. If you know about the "show don't tell' thing, then I recommend you to apply that, though you don't need to put so much descriptions, right? Just the average of it. :wink: Hope I helped. PM me for questions. :D

Keep writing!

Peace out! :smt004


~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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Hey Solvalery. Here to review again. You have got some pretty good reviews from others so I won't bother you repeating the same what they have.

I have mentioned one thing before also that you are speeding up a lot with your story, and you should slow down a bit. Oky I can understand that you want to end the second chapter with the prom dance and she discovering that Jonathan is not the right guy for her. But you could have made this chapter a bit lengthy and given us a more thorough information on how the prom night looked, how he looked(I know you did but more won't hurt), how everything went.

I noticed the person in the car opened the window; it was my sister.


After long time dancing one of our friends, Jeniffer, stood by our side.

“I can't believe it, my sister and my brother-in-law in the middle of the street acting like two foolish children...” She was complaining as she dropped Jonathan off at his house. On our way home she was still havering.
Shouldn't Jonathan be called her future brother0in-law, as she isn't married until now.

You wrote exactly the way I used to write, in a hurry to get over with this. But keep in writing and you will surely improve as I ahve since my earlier posts.

You seriously need to work on your commas. You miss out lot of them here and there which mkes the sentences confusing and I feel lost.
An example:
After long time dancing, one of our friends, Jeniffer, stood by our side.
So you see how it makes more sense now, after the comma has been put.

I won't make this review long and go to read chapter 3. :smt001


Keep Writing.

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore



Not many will ever really understand you / That doesn't mean you aren't worth understanding
— Quillfeather